Write some comedy for this guy:

"You know what impresses the fuck out of me?

Rust.

Rust is the greatest fucking shit on the face of the whole goddamned planet. You can try to beat that shit, but you'll go down in fucking flames trying.

Rust has no mercy. It'll stain anything that it touches. Like when you were banging one of the bridesmaids up against the pipes, in the basement on the day you got married, rust will tell that fucking tale.

Rust doesn't cry, or moan or bitch about its stupid fucking brother-in-law, it doesn't cry about how much of a prick its boss, water, is. It doesn't care if your neighbor's dog took a big steaming crap on your pretty fucking lawn. It doesn't care about any of that shit.

Rust is cool with all of that.

I wish that I could be as half as fucking cool as rust. Right at this moment, rust is fucking your shit up and you don't even know it.

You can't stop it. Once it's in, you're fucked.

It won't stop for donuts, it won't take a lunch break, go on strike, get lost in the mail, miss its fucking plane, get caught in traffic, fart, shit, piss any of that shit.

And it Never... Fucking... Sleeps."

he ran out of Bill Hicks bits to plagiarize word-for-word.

"Yeah, Dennis? I've got three fucking words for you. Operation. Dumbo. Drop."

--p!

"Navel Jelly"

There... I said it.