Husband Conserve

Select the best man you can find and brush him carefully to rid him of any indifference. Be careful not to beat him as you would an egg or cream, for beating will make him tough and apt to froth at the mouth. Sift him gently into the home preserving kettle and tie him with strong cords of affection which are not easily broken. Do not sear him with sarcasm, for that causes sputtering which may ultimately result in spontaneous combustion. Scramble when difficulties arise. Do not soak him in liquor, for excessive draughts will make him mushy and spongy with your friends. It is best to let him simmer gently at will, to blend tactfully with dressing and seasoning. Stuff him one hour before taking him out or asking a favor of him. Flavor him with oil of happiness, an
ounce of understanding and a bushel of fun and laughter.