Jokes - Real Life

From my sister this morning ....

Hair Salon

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge
for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and
walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't
say a word... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX


The Pad

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our
mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and
figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could,
so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.
He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of
our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC


Toilet Paper

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came
into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran
for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each
of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called
about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at
the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition
to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror
- wearing nothing but a camera.



Golf Balls

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of
golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had
been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was
approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I
like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI


Nuts about You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking
at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh
hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red
and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let
me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD


Behave

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I
was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right
now"she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me
in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma
that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
the silence was deafening after this enlightening
exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were
screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson,Stafford, Virginia


Thumbtacks

A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned
that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON
LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad
enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed
back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH
IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov


No Accident

Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems
with potty training and I was on him constantly. One
day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something
funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old
daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that
Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked
him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept
thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,
and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an
accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have
an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked ! to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made
me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!



Inches

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who
will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: So Bob,
where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not
only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

"Words mean things" LOL

I thought I died and went to heaven. Then I realized my radio alarm had gone off and it was the weatherman predicting snow. :(

I played alto sax. A young lady who also played alto sax had her instrument stolen. I'd just gotten back from looking for a loaner with no luck when she said, "We'll just play together. You finger and I'll blow." Over 30 years and it still haunts her.

I'm crying I laughed so hard at that one.