If your wife wanted to go

to Costa Rica by herself for vacation, how would you feel?

What would you say?, What would you do?
She has never been there before and doesn't know anyone there. She's just heard how beautiful the country is and wants to check it out.

I'd seriously wonder what's going on with her.

Really? She is going alone?

I mean, I'd want to do things with my wife. That's one of the points of getting married, isn't it? Now, if I were unable to go, I'd be ok with my wife taking a trip on her own, although I'd probably worry about her constantly.

Take this with a grain of salt though, I'm not married.

she's a grown woman, and y'all aren't siamese twins, right? Tell her to go and have a great time!

I can understand her wanting to go to a beautiful place and just get some time for herself.

But, perhaps you should be a little bit concerned about a ?? affair going on. My sister did this very thing when she was having an affair.

And years ago she became my EX-wife due to infidelity. Two little girls and a ton of heartbreak.

Be careful and do things TOGETHER!

I've sent my cohabiting SO of 10 years off to South Africa, Ireland and scarier places... like New Orleans, New York and San Francisco for vacations.

She has more money and more time than me. And I enjoy being alone in the house, probably not as much as travelling with her, but I don't mind the time.

That isn't to say there isn't something going on in your relationship that might make you think differently

but I would be very worried for my wife's safety.

But, if you trust her, that's a big issue for you, then let her go and have a good time....

Not every reason behind getting away for a few days is directly related to having an affair...

Sometimes it is just about getting away.....

the other aspects of it.

Try Central America. And Costa Rica is a stable democracy with n almost 100% literacy rate. If you're going anywhere in CA, Costa Rica is the place to go. (Well, Belize is nice, too.)

She's a grown woman. Don't treat her like a child. I've managed to travel all over the world without a man to protect me.

Compared to the rest of central america, Costa Rica is a bastion of stability. They've had a stable democracy for several decades and don't even have a standing army. In fact, there's also a large American ex-pat community down there, too.

My ex-wife's company took a company trip there about eight years ago, and they had a great time. The only problem my ex- had was when a certain shop scammed her on a purchase and added an extra "0" to the end of a Visa charge. So instead of a trinket costing her $10, it cost $100. She disputed the charge and got it fixed, so it wasn't much more than a minor headache.

Costa Rica is VERY safe. I would go with your wife if you can-- it's also very beautiful, too.

No? Ok, how about trusting a grown woman to take care of herself? A novel concept, I know. :eyes:

i merely responded...deal with it

Without you there to protect her, make sure she doesn't hurt herself?

Sounds alot more like an overprotective father then a good husband.

You or the woman?

Don't bother continuing to try to explain yourself. Wasted effort.

Redstone

:)

And yet somebody elses's "smothering." And a further someone's "slavery."

But it's your family, so it's only your opinion that counts, yes?

Redstone

The last one called me her "white knight" and "forever love" for 15 years, then we went through her chemo for Hep-C, a nervous breakdown, a female reconstruction, and a neck disc replacement. Never did she accuse me of being too protective, but the illnesses changed our relationship and she left.

If anybody decided they needed to "protect" me, I would be royally pissed off. Personally I think travelling alone can be very broadening. I am going somewhere next summer alone but I just don't know where yet. I wouldn't let ANYONE keep me from traveling by myself whatever their paranoia might be.

This was in my marriage vows. My ex was very independent and I was fine with that. I see nothing wrong with spouses being protective of each other. She was a damned good backup for me in several dangerous situations. My paranoia has enabled me to live long enough to grow a long white beard when others I was with didn't.

The woman in Aruba is 18 years old, intoxicated and had been partying with a group of unfamiliar men all night. She was inexperienced at not only drinking, but had never been out of the country either. The situations are not that similar.

You stand a better chance to die in a plane crash than you do to be kidnapped by a stranger. And you have a better chance of getting killed in a car accident than you do in a plane crash. It's all relative.

the percentage is very low, but a trend may be beginning to show. Gut feelings have kept me alive before. I am also very concerned about the safety of any woman in our area. We have a confirmed serial killer here.

There's hundreds of women missing everywhere! Probable one in your town.

Their families, I presume. There have been a number of women murdered here, as in other places around the country. Anyone making assumptions about women's safety is ignoring the facts.

"Mysteries along I-45 -Since 1971, 21 women and girls have been reported missing along the Interstate 45 corridor in Galveston County in cases that remain unsolved. Police have recovered the remains of 14 from fields, parks and bodies of water. Their killers remain at large. The other seven are missing, their fates unknown."
http://64.233.187.104/search?q=cache:IUlmLo_Og_0J:www.texasequusearch.org/archives/TheDailyNews-MysteriesAlongI-45.pdf+calder+road+murders+texas+&hl=en

alone using your standards because it's such a dangerous and scary world out there.

You can live in fear if you want, the media's selective reporting isn't going to sway my decision of going to one place or another.

I've taught firearms safety to every one in my family who has expressed an interest in them. My ex had experience with weapons having killed a rapist and murderer who'd attempted to rape her. She'd also shot an armed robber who'd invaded her Sister's home and threatened their lives. Damned good thing she was prepared.

as evidenced by their inability to leave the country with one.

They're all pretty good in a fist or knife fight too.

So what would you be protecting them from?

Maybe they just want to make fun of you to make themselves feel better. Shrug it off and move along.

on edit: since when did killing a man make him less of an asshole?

Is that what you're saying?

can be neutralized with a warning.

which doesn't make the problem really go away, or you only pull out the gun at the last minute and shoot the perp in the head.

or, you kick some martial arts on the guy, including moves that even little old me know, and disable him

has evolved into guns. It suffices to say I believe in protecting my own. I've yet to become involved with a woman so adamant of her independence she refused my protection.

because here's one who would refuse your aggression... er "protection."

You don't see how condescending and objectifying it is to say "protecting my own" when talking about defending a woman, do you? Or how trivializing it is to describe a woman as being "so adamant of her independence" as if her independence were just an incidental thing and her dependence on YOU trumps it.

I guess only men can really keep us little women safe. :sarcasm:

Please! If I had a wife who was a combat veteran, outweighed me a hundred pounds and was a foot taller than me I would be glad to step back and she could physically protect me. You doubt my convictions on women's rights? I can give you the urls to some forums with women who have known me for years and will tell you different.

They were likely killed by someone they KNEW (statistically speaking). I fear my neighbors a lot more than I fear random strangers.

typically prey on targets of opportunity. A number of those victims have been found dumped within feet of each other in the same field.

"Holloway not only missing U.S. woman in Caribbean"
"Dan Abrams talks with family of Amy Bradley, missing since '98"

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/8143921/

in my original post.

If you turn on cable news for five minutes you are guaranteed to hear more about Natalee Holloway than the Patriot Act being renewed by the House today.

does not make a trend. How many Americans of any gender and race have visited Aruba in that time? I would guess on the order of several hundred thousand which makes it pretty darn safe. Any large city (or maybe most cities an towns) in the US are WAY more dangerous than Aruba and they are still safer than the media would have us believe.

to be unchaperoned in Aruba.

Of course if you decide to go for a drunken midnight swim all bets are off.

either way, people need time alone... i wouldn't read anything into it. i traveled to italy with a friend, then took progdad back the next year, once i had found all the cool places to take him.

before I had a kid. I'm just starting to do it again. Spouses need that time apart, too. It recharges your batteries.

Just now, with a kid, I try to limit it to no more than two nights away.

just the occasional conference. But I know it is harder when you have little one(s). I think it would be very hard to have kids and have a job where one had to travel all the time, as cool as I think traveling is.

Are there trust problems? If not, you should be happy that she is an adventurous woman.

Either she needs time to think, or something's already going on. Objecting too strongly only shows you don't trust her and you're out of tune with your relationship.

If you are able to go along, ask her how she'd feel about you joining her. But don't push it.

With any luck, she'll return tanned, rested and ready to continue your happy marriage.

How would I feel? Shitty. But that's just me.

You could get miles of dialogue having Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer analyzing this at "Monk's" cafe.........

Let her go.


She could probably use some time alone.








Seriously.

:o

SNAP!

She should go... immediately, and for a very long time.

Nothing gets past you!!!

but who didn't know that?

:loveya:

:loveya:

I'm trying to find it

both times he tried to post it


on edit:

this is the thread about the threads: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=3629699#3629734

but WOW! Great memory.

with trying to find a tactful, and gracious way of telling her that?

If she got in an accident and her face was disfigured or she ended up using a wheelchair...would you support her still?

but love is not pretending that a spouse's appearance means nothing. If a spouse is not caring for themselves it's up to their partner to help them.

If your spouse stopped showering wouldn't you have a right to say, "Hey stinky - you smell like feet. Please take a shower."

If your spouse stops eating right you have a right to say, "Hey chubby - you're getting too heavy. Please cool it with the Twinkies."

on edit: an accident is out of the spouse's control. Weight is usually controllable.

for herself for HER sake....not because I have a right to eye candy from the person who means most to me...we've both gained weight since we met each other. But she just recently quit smoking and if she gains even more, it won't stop me from seeing what is beautiful about her.

If she stopped bathing...I'd just seduce her into taking a shower with me :evilgrin:

:loveya:

I would still love her. I just thought that some woman out there would know something I didn't.

If your spouse started drinking too much, wouldn't you be concerned? Same thing with weight, it is unhealthy.

unwilling to change it. You would not be providing any information that would be helpful (check out what Miss Manners has to say about this).

If she's not unhealthy but just is not cosmetically thin enough to meet current beauty standards, there is no health reason for saying anything.

So what's the REAL reason for wanting to say something to her?

and be ready for her to point out what she doesn't like or finds unhealthy about you.

:hi:

A weekend in Ann Arbor visiting friends? Fine. Have a good time.

A week in Tampa with her Mom and Dad taking one or two of the kids with her? Great. Wish I could go too.

A convention related to work in Vegas for a week? Sounds great, DAMN, maybe we can go back some time together?

A weekend in the country with old college chums doing something I don't particularly adore anyway? Honey, have a GREAT time.

A VACATION BY HERSELF IN COSTA RICA BECAUSE THE COUNTRY IS BEAUTIFUL, AND SHE WANTS TO "CHECK IT OUT?" FUGEDDABOUTIT.

This is not a "space" issue. No one is asking for "space."

This is not a "feminism" issue. If you don't want share your life and time with me...DON'T. LEAVE. Life is WAY too short.

This is not a "power" issue. I'm married to someone who I WANT to hang around with and she WANTS to spend time with ME. I actually don't do some of the things I used to (and vice versa) because doing them without her has become much less interesting.

Sorry. Vacations are time spend with FAMILY, enjoying the presence of those we love in settings that are different, relaxing, exciting, etcetera, and SHARING THE EXPERIENCE.

:wow:

no comment...

What with kids, work, houses...we get little enough time together as it is.

Deb's second phrase when she says she's going somewhere is "Can you come too?" or when I'm going somewhere is "Can I go?"

She even comes to the Lowe's and she HATES the place.

Why are the others acceptable, but going to Costa Rica is not?

I'm here by myself, sorta, on a working vacations, and I say vacations, sometimes, are definitely a time to spend away from family.

Say, involving PAID TIME OFF taken from employment, something rather at a premium.

WORLD of difference from Saturday/Sunday with your buds "antiqueing" and a week in the "romantic Central American Paradise" all by yourself, getting away from "the family" is another thing entirely.

just fucking crazy and uptight. I can understand you answering the question for yourself (in fact, I applaud it since we now all know what a nutcase you are) but then to tell people what type of an issue it is? Um, actually, in a lot of cases, this would be a feminist issue. As far as I'm concerned, no man has a goddamn right to tell me what to do unless he's my boss at work -- and that obviously has its limitations, too. I also think this is an issue of racism. What, because Costa Rica is a Latin nation, it must automatically be dangerous? Or are the posters on this thread assuming that Latino men are lecherous and will steal this insecure guy's wife from him? Or is it both? Nice progressive values you all have.

herself.
Went to Costa 3 times last year. Once with wife and daughter,
once by myself and once with friends.
I am not having an affair with anyone other than my wife and in our household there is no reason for suspicion.
Costa is safe for the most part and she would likely have a wonderful time.

AND I'm not independently wealthy.

WE plan our time TOGETHER. Maybe it comes from being in late 40's and early 50's. We ain't got forever, and we plan our time TOGETHER.

If something different shakes your tree, GREAT. This is just my opinion.

But I am self employed, so time off isn't much of an issue.
I live in Fl so Costa Rica is $200, and 3.5 hrs away.
Flying down for 4 or 5 days isn't an issue.
My wife and I go on plenty of vacations together, just don't see the need to be joined at the hip, everyday.

I honestly can't get enough TOGETHER time with my wife, but I also am a surfer. I want to surf every wave in the world, and many times my wife doesn't want to go. So I go alone. I'd rather be with her.

She MADE me go ALONE to New Zealand in Apr. I assured her I had a horrible time.:)

Me and the Ms are just Mr. and Mrs. Joe Rank. Married for years and never really took the honeymoon .. too broke.

We really enjoy each other's company, tho. I have to vist my Mom 2 hours from here in a nursing home next Monday night, and she asked if I minded if she went along to keep me company. And she ain't exactly in love with my Mom.

as long as her boyfriend pays his own way.:)

That was really funny! :rofl:

You shouldn't stop her, but you should realize that something's not right. Not because of the trip she wants to take, but because of the odd vibes it's setting off in your cranium.

And, have you found a way to tell your wife that you think she's fat yet? Maybe that's her incentive to get away, maybe she understands now that you don't love her.

If my wife wanted to take a vacation by herself, I would wonder how vacation became synonomous with getting away from me. I would look at what I had been doing or how I had been being that would make her desire to see someplace new and beautiful without me. I would talk about that and if she still wanted to go alone, I would be sad but I would not have any right to keep her from going. She is an adult.

When she got back, she's either find the absence made her fonder of me or not and we would go from there.

If we are talking about you and how you would feel..then as others have reminded you..maybe she does not wish to take a trip to a beach vacation destination with you and wear a bathing suit and hear about it....possibly :shrug:

I actually wanted her to see these replies. Now becuase you guys injected the other post I made into this... I'm not going to be able to do that!!

Funny isn't it?... You guys are great!.... but you messed up my plan!

dirty work. I WOULD let her see the thread.

It's pretty obvious why she wants to take a trip alone...most people seem to get it but you don't. She wants a vacation from the ax of your judgements.

I have never presumed to think I understood a woman's motivations. You're telling this man his wife's are obvious.

publicly? Calling her fat?

If I had a partner who publicly asked for advice about how to tell me I'm FAT... I would need a break from them.

say exactly what he said. Suffice it to say, the thread offended a lot of people, he was the only offensive one on it, and it was deleted.

of her weight as you are? I haven't seen that he's even approached her about it yet.

Questions are often an integral part of a discussion. Why do you ask why I am so argumentative? I have not assumed (as others appear to have) the poster has offended his wife with criticism of her weight, have I?

yet. She has no idea I feel that way, becuase I love her just the same.

and you are the only one who seems to think that thread was ok... :rofl:

Ok... ummm.... only my opinion.

she does not, yet some here have insisted she does. That's a giant leap to a wrong conclusion to me.

And all this other stuff about whether or not he told his wife is just so much white noise.

Strange timing, a thread asking how to tell his wife she's "fat" now this thread which is sure to bring out the manly "protective" men who just can't imagine a woman traveling by herself, and the independent women who resent the implications of that.

Recipe for disruption, especially with all the recent flaming threads around sexism, and with women's rights hanging in the balance.

And everyone sees it... except you... but I think you do too. :hi:

is a disruptor and he's manipulating all of us. He's using me like a tool, except he isn't because I am aware of it? That's amazing, truly amazing! Have you given any serious thought to writing as a profession?

"fun" and that's what you're doing. My "inimitable logic" :rofl: Thanks!!

that's what we all came here for?

for a woman.

You're mind is quite imaginative.

You must be soulmates.

Allow me to make the introductions: Bikewriter, RethugAssKicker... RethugAssKicker, Bikewriter.

:hi:

why did you thank me for them?

tell her she is fat?

I truly wouldn't want my partner doing that.

that something's up? I've been there. It's transparent, even when you don't say anything.

I'd be willing to bet he has a lot of headaches at night.
FSC

Perhaps you do. Her husband says no.

asking an internet board what he should do about her upcoming vacation.

Most couples work these things out on their own. It's called "communication." If it's not being used verbally, I can ASSURE you it's being used physically. He's probably too dense to pick up on it her body language.

FSC

And I always type this way when I EMPHASIZE something.

Who peed in your f'in Wheaties this morning? Are you purposely trying to incite people?

I'm much more radical than this!

There's actually another word for that.

:hi:

:-)

Check your PM.
:hi:
FSC

I simply asked, how to tactfully tell her that she is overweight! I wouldn't call that insulting her... WOW you sure read alot into things.

How to tactfully tell you you're a shithead. Tell her to PM me, I'll help her out.

and no matter how you spin it now, those of us who read it know exactly what you said.

It definitely adds a whole other dimension to why someone would want to go on vacation alone. If someone was saying I was fat I wouldn't want to sit on a beach in a bathing suit with them.

she has an inkling how he feels about her weight. RethugAssKicker says she does not.

as to his DU handle?

What HE knows is that he has not said anything to her, ergo, he thinks she doesn't know how he feels about her weight gain. However, he asked "How do you tell your wife she's getting FAT?" Not even "how do you let someone know they've gained a couple pounds without being insulting?"

If he thinks he can hide his animosity about her weight, I say he can't and I would bet SHE IS READING it in his mannerisms.

Furthermore, defend him all you want and he can defend himself all he wants.

At the end of the day, he is the one with a spouse who'd rather visit Costa Rica alone than with him....so we can pretend it's all her...or he can take a bit of responsibility for who he's being in his relationship..and maybe even learn something and repair it if it's worth it to him.

or not :shrug:

he came here asking for constructive advice about a marital problem. As another poster has so aptly pointed out he came to the wrong place. Many of the comments have been the antihesis of constructive.

he wants to hear...if you treat your wife as though she's a fat assed pig..she's probably not gonna want to go see the world with you while wearing a bathing suit...

Again with the unsupported allegations!

And anything you write before this moment is to be forgotten? I wasn't aware of that rule.

I tend to remember what things people write, especially insulting things. :shrug:

You made this bed.

want to hear how others think. And I wanted to share this thread with my wife, so we can alnalyze it. I learned long ago that many heads are better than one.

But now, if I show her this she may think I was calling her fat, when I certainly wasn't.

Yeah you were. Criminy.

if you weren't calling her fat? That really confuses me.

a bunch of other clowns on the internet thing.

Wow. Just wow.

except you.

of your situation, nor any desire to really help you out.

:-)

I do empathize with his situation, even to the wife with the unhealthy weight gain.

While my wife and I were stationed in Japan, I went to Washington DC for a couple weeks by myself. It was partly for job hunting but mostly pleasure. No problems arised from that.

"RAW" (I think it was), when he talks about Jamaica and the girl on vacation alone and the guy walks by just "swingin"?
Sure let her go :)

boyfriend wanted to go on a vacation alone b/c it was a beautiful place I would be pretty upset. I would wonder why he didn't want to take me along to see it and in the back of my mind I would wonder if there was an affair going on. I think he would worry about my safety more than anything, which only seems to be an issue when you're talking about a woman traveling alone. My bf's best friend traveled in Europe by himself, which was ok, but i know if i wanted to do that my bf would think i was putting myself in grave danger for getting raped/murdered. I would worry about your relationship and the reasons behind why she wants to take a vacation alone more than i would worry about something bad happening to her.

Are you fearful for her safety?
Are you resentful that she wants to go someplace beautiful without you?
Are you unable to go, or is she specifically saying you are not welcome to go?
Do you suspect she is having an affair?

But turns out she was cheating, hence her being an ex.

Seeing your post just sent those alarm bells back up, but then again that experience has seriously given me trust issues.

That's where my ex and her best friend went to put a cap on their marriages.

If she still insists on going, then thats that. Just don't sit around and mope while she's gone. Enjoy your time.

I've been and would go again in a heartbeat. What's wrong with her being a little adventurous?

Tie her up, ground her and make her do extra chores.

That'll learn her!

:popcorn:

she didn't learn

Don't you hate it when women don't know their place?

And that place is definitely NOT Costa-Rica by her lonesome. No sirree bob.

asked you to go with her.

especially if she isnt going to be spending much time on the Caribbean side.

Its always good to know the language, though.

Well it wasn't a vacation, but she went without me.

I had no problems with it.

But, if she were to go to someplace like Costa Rica "alone", I may just have to put my foot in that.

but take it from me, either you both go or no one goes. something smells fishy, fishy, fishy here. :eyes:

but your results may vary. We competely trust each other, and we can both take care of ourselves. I must admit that I find it hard to imagine that she would want to go to some nice place like Costa Rica without me (or me without her).

if you're suspiscious about her then you're right. You need to leave her.