Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
- Jack Handey

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
- Jack Handey

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
- Jack Handey

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
- Jack Handey

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- Jack Handey

more...
http://hutchville.com/jack_handey.shtml

id lost it in a horrible browser accident....these crack me up

My two favorites:

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.


The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm VineMan."

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

This will keep me entertained for hours, I lost my Jack Handey generator