More jokes?

I'm in the mood to laugh today. Does anyone know any cool jokes?

"You know what?" Says the 6 year old, "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'." The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,

"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,

"You can stay in there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, little man?"

"I don't know." He blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

I needed to laugh. I love DU'ers. Always good to me. Thanks.

"John, You've been quite a nice fellow and as your reward I want to
grant you One Wish"
John says:" Well, thank you God...I would like a highway built from San Fransisco to Hawaii.

God says: A highway built from San Fransisco to Hawaii????... I'll
have to put down pilings all the way to the Sea-bed floor for 3
thousand miles!...I mean, I AM God and of course, I CAN do it but
isn't there something else that you might want??

John thinks for a minute and says: Ah..Ok..How about if you give me the ability to understand women and to truly have a strong grasp on how they think and feel?

God says:..MMMmmm..You want that highway 2 lane or 4 lane ??

I'm a woman and even I think that's a good one.

the judge asks, "So Mickey you are divorcing Minnie because she is crazy?, is that correct?"

Mickey, says, "No sir, I am divorcing her because she is fucking goofy!"

got me. LOL. :rofl: Thanks.

The first one, a Mexican, opens his lunch box and groans. "Not another burrito!" says he, "I swear, if my wife packs me another burrito I'm going to jump off this building"

The second one, an Italian, opens his lunchbox, groans and says "Not another Calzone! I swear, if that wife of mine packs me another calzone, I'll jump off this building"

The third one, a Fundamentalist Christian conservative opens his lunch box, groans, and says "Tuna again? If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm jumping off this building."

So the next day they all get the same thing for lunch and pitch themselves to their deaths. At their funerals, the Mexican wife says to the others, "If only they'd told us how tired they were of getting the same thing everyday!" to which the Fundamentalist Christian conservative wife responds: "Don't look at me, my husband always packed his own lunch."

First Guy: "I was at the American Airline counter and there was this woman with enormous breasts booking the flight and instead of saying "I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh" i blurted out "Gimme two pickets to Tittsburgh!"...

Second Guy: "Man, good one! But- one morning I was seated for Sunday breakfast at my moms, and instead of saying:'Mother, would you please pass the jelly for my toast', I said 'YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!!'

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."