AP: Bush calls Iraqi insurgents "desperate"

Washington - President Bush gave an impromptu press conference at the White House Rose Garden today to allay growing fears that the situation in Iraq is escalating out of control.

"Make no mistake, everything in Iraq is going well," said President Bush as he wiped sweat from his forehead with a hankerchief. "We are in control. We are calling the shots. No Saddamite is going to push us around."

The press conference appeared to be a response to recent events in Iraq that critics say demonstrate the U.S. military's inability to maintain security in Iraq's sprawling urban environments. Early Friday morning, a group of Iraqi schoolchildren snuck up on an Abrams tank crew at a restaurant, subdued the crew, then did donuts with the tank on the runway at Baghdad airport. Shortly afterwards, in Mosul, Iraqi insurgents blew up a convoy of over 100 U.S. vehicles as the convoy drove into the city.

The president dismissed the attacks as "the last gasps of a failed regime led by a swarthy man. These are all signs that he's desperate, see? Because if we weren't losing anyone and we were at peace, then he would already have what he wants, which is to be in control, so it's bad if none of our boys are getting killed. If we're still fighting, however, that's good, because then the situation isn't how Saddam wants it. He's still trying to change things. It's more like how we want it."

The President ended his speech by declaring that black is white, down is up, ketchup is a vegetable and computers work best underwater.

Addendum: in good news for the president, it was reported by the Pentagon that none of the men in the 100 vehicles destroyed in Mosul were killed. This is a particularly heartening development, as none of the remaining pieces of the vehicles were larger than a dime.

PROJECTION!!!!!!!!


Who's getting desperate? Wtih all due empathy/sympathy to our men and women being used as cannon fodder. Heaven help them....