Any relationship counselors here? Professional or otherwise?

If you have any ideas, I'd like to hear them.

Note: All of the principals in this story are in their 60s, with grown children and grandchildren. They are upper middle-to-upper class folks, well educated, intelligent and financially secure.

My friend's wife, at age 58, suffered a stroke. Seven years later, her physical health is relatively good. She sleeps most of the time, but is gotten up for bathroom trips, meals, and daily walks. In my layman's opinion her mental state is that of a precocious but confused 3 or 4 year old. She will usually speak when spoken to, but mostly to just answer questions "yes" or "no". And it's not always the correct answer. She is very withdrawn. She sometimes thinks her husband is her brother or that a peer is her mother.

Long story, but bottom line:
1. She is cared for in the home, not in a nursing home, and not with any "professional" help. Her husband appears to be devoted to her, or at least the person she was, and to providing for her continued well being. At least at this point, a nursing home is not an option that he will consider.

2. She was very active in her church. Initially, church members were supportive, visiting and taking her out for drives and walks. Gradually, over the months following her stroke, this support ceased.
Except for one woman. More about that later.

3. Same as the above for her siblings. They don't come around any more.

4. Their son and daughter-in-law are supportive, but have a 3 year old twin boys and careers. Not a lot of time to spare and they live in a city 6 or 7 hours away.

So...my friend had been caring for his wife pretty much single-handedly for several years. He is retired, so he has the time to devote to her, but it has taken a heavy toll on him, both physically and emotionally. When he needed to run errands, etc., he hired a sitter for a few hours.

Back to the lady mentioned in 2.
Another long story, but she volunteered to come every Wednesday afternoon for a few hours so my friend could get out and take care of other things. Bit by bit they began to have conversations about each other and their lots in life. It turned out she was in an unhappy marriage. One thing led to another and their relationship grew and prospered.

About a year ago she divorced her husband, he divorced his wife, and they got married. He told me that divorcing his wife was the hardest thing he'd ever done.
They both still care for his former wife in their new home. (They moved to another state.)

It seemed to me to be the ideal (if highly unorthodox) solution to what had been a bad situation for all concerned.

Miz t. and I paid an overnight visit to this supposedly happy menage a trois last week end. All is not well.

Evidently the husband lays off many of the caretaking chores on the new bride. The new bride has become resentful of wife #1. And maybe husband #2. She is a delightful woman. He is a great guy. And their initial idea, to try bring some degree of happiness and hope to two formerly depressed and unhappy people seemingly without hope, while still providing loving care to a stroke victim, made sense to me.

Maybe neither of them were able to fully anticipate all the ramifications of their venture. I sure probably wouldn't have been able to either. It's like a couple caring for a mentally challenged child, except the "child" is 65 years old and the former wife of the father.
Anyway, although they are still pleasant on the surface, Miz t. and I sense trouble.
Any suggestions?
I can supply more details on request.

Covered by most major medical insurance. These people will come to your house and take care of all those nasty chores. The new couple then should have some time to be by themselves to work things out, which they obviously need. couples counseling sounds like a good idea too. I wish them luck.

I thought they were just for the terminally ill.

the situation sounds entirely unhealthy to me, personally. It's like wife #1 is in a polyamorous relationship without her consent, which weirds me out, totally. As a poly myself, it's not a situation I would ever want to be put in. As for wife #2, it's no wonder she's feeling this resentment, as it seems he is more interested in having a live-in caretaker than an equal. If I were going to suggest something, it would be for the two of them to split up, at least temporarily, and for him to deal with finding someone else to care for the first wife. Either that, or abandon this newer relationship and take care of this responsibility that he has taken on by his own choices.

just my .02 :)

that wife #1 still has.
Initially, she did not like for her husband to be out of her sight. She was very dependent on just having him near.
That seems to have changed.

She initiates no action or movement on her own, and is led about by her caregivers. "Do you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Let's go for a walk."
"Time for lunch now."
"Time for your bath."
She pretty much stays wherever you "park" her.
If you put her on the couch, she'll sit upright for a few minutes and then lean over and lie down and go to sleep.

On one level, the now married couple seem to be happy enough, but now it's like the honeymoon is ending.

Seems that even when people are in their 60's the interpersonal dynamics of a relationship take time to evolve and resolve. Yes, this seemed like a reasonable solution, so I hope they can work it out. Actually, maybe I do have a suggestion-- this seems like a workable solution under the original conditions, i.e. when the handicapped former wife was the central reason for their relationship. Now the relationship has grown beyond her needs and is beginning to encompass more of the seperate and joint needs of the husband and new bride, so the former solution is not going to continue working. It seems to me that if the husband and new wife do not want to make caring for the former wife their primary focus, then they should seriously consider putting her into a nursing home. If they choose one in their community, or close by, they can still spend plenty of time with her, and even participate siginificantly in her daily care, but they would also have some quality time for themselves. This really seems like one of those "you can't have it both ways" situations, not without seriously eroding the quality of the experience.

Best of luck to your friends.

And I mean that as a compliment.
As I said, at least at this point he won't consider a nursing home.
I think that would be the best solution.
I think he would feel guilty about discarding the "useless" wife for a useful one.

He is a man of very high moral principles with a strong sense of responsibility. Possibly too high and too strong.

I don't think I could do what he has. Not the marriage, but the caring for the stroke victim. I'd do my best, for a while. Then I'd start thinking about the still living, functioning, comprehending people in this equation, primarily me. Maybe it sound cold, but that's how I feel.

your friend's first wife may be eligible for Medicaid which would enable the state to send a companion for several hours a day. My parents had one who came for 4 hours every day to sit with my dad so my mom could get some errands done and clear her head a bit. Not a perfect solution, but certainly worth looking into.

Hospice might not take her on, because she is not currently terminal.

PM me if I can help you with this. Unfortunately, I have become sort of an expert on elder care.

Financially, he's pretty well off.

possibly obtain a Medicaid waiver for her. Also, if he legally divorced her, he is not obligated to provide his income to the state to show his assets.

Medicaid wavers are sometimes hard to get, but it isn't necessarily means tested. Case in point, the couple that cleans my house once a week received a $300,000 inheritance from an uncle. Not a huge amount, but if you are frugal, you could make it work for you.

They obtained a Medicaid waiver for their daughter who is severely disabled from a stroke in utero.

State laws vary, however, but if I can point you in the right direction, I will.

My husband is a nationally recognized expert on Managed Care and the Medicare Modernization Act, so I can pretty much find out anything you would need to know.

He says he's over the anger part, but I can tell he's still bitter about the treatment (or lack thereof) he and wife #1 received from family and friends.

He said one of the surprising things he learned was that those he considered to be close friends were among the first to bail.

His son and wife #2's children have accepted the situation and all seem to be on good terms. Good enough that they visit when they can.
Since wife #1 could easily outlive him, he has had their son made her legal guardian.

Although he has tried repeatedly to establish some kind of relationship for wife #1 with her siblings, they no longer communicate.

Until the relationship with wife #2 he was utterly miserable.
He said he had some "very bad thoughts".
Although he didn't put it in so many words, I think he was condidering murder/suicide as the only way out. I have known him for 20 years, and this is totally out of character. He must have been really low.