Let Jesus Be Your Batting Coach

And why are you holding him like that? I want my money back, you perv!

"Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curve ball. Straight ball, I hit it very much. Curve ball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come."

"You know, you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff."

"Ahhh, Jesus — I like him very much. But he no help with curve ball."

"You tryin' to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?"

I do it myself

;)

(on edit: Disclaimer: lest there be any confusion, I am quoting the movie and not attacking you personally ;))

"Calm down, man. I mean, I love your enthusiasm, but you're going to choke the poor kid. It's just a game, Jesus, just a game!"

It's better. HE has his foot on a blue collar loser, and his arms around a 20 something swinging a dollar sign. It's so cute.:thumbsup: :bounce:

:rofl:

(but seriously, if you were to make one, I'm sure you'd make a fortune ...)

The stockbroker, of course, comes in the standard pin stripe. Wing tips are extra on Jesus.

You'd think he'd know something about sacrifices.

I kill me. :rofl:

but it just may be worth it

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:spray:

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I'm going to hell! :toast:

Because the next joke, relating to the post below, is gonna guarantee me a 6 x 8 cell in the Blasphemy Wing:

Jesus as a pitching coach? Nah. Would he throw you a curve?

:hide:

I think mine is one for the blasphemy hall of fame as well ...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=4226347&mesg_id=4226569

To wit...

Could Dog throw a fast ball so fast even he couldn't hit it?

destined to rank up with homer's query: "could god microwave a burrito so hot that even he couldn't eat it?"

:hi:

to borrow a cup of aluminum foil pellets for a ground-glass and moldy cardboard salad?

Jesus is my Pitching Coach.
:shrug:

the dude loves baseball ...

That's my theory.

:spray: :rofl:

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Wish I'd thought of that one.

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So the Apostles wrap up this road trip with a 5-2 win over Sodom. The winning pitcher is John; he's 3:14. Jesus gets the save, his 33rd.

That totally reminds me of Monty Python's "International Philosophy" sketch.

Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed Olympic stadium, München for the second leg of this exciting final. And here come the Germans now, led by their skipper, "Nobby" Hegel. They must surely start favourites this afternoon; they've certainly attracted the most attention from the press with their team problems. And let's now see their line-up.

DEUTSCHLAND
1 LEIBNITZ
2 I. KANT
3 HEGEL
4 SCHOPENHAUER
5 SCHELLING
6 BECKENBAUER
7 JASPERS
8 SCHLEGEL
9 WITTGENSTEIN
10 NIETZSCHE
11 HEIDEGGER

The Germans playing 4-2-4, Leibniz in goal, back four Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and Schelling, front-runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche and Heidegger, and the mid-field duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers. Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there.

And here come the Greeks, led out by their veteran centre-half, Heraclitus.

GRIECHENLAND
1 PLATO
2 EPIKTET
3 ARISTOTELES
4 SOPHOKLES
5 EMPEDOKLES VON ACRAGA
6 PLOTIN
7 EPIKUR
8 HERAKLIT
9 DEMOKRIT
10 SOKRATES
11 ARCHIMEDES

Let's look at their team. As you'd expect, it's a much more defensive line-up. Plato's in goal, Socrates a front-runner there, and Aristotle as sweeper, Aristotle very much the man in form. One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes.

Well, here comes the referee, K'ung fu-tsze, and his two linesmen, St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas. And as the two skippers come together to shake hands, we're ready for the start of this very exciting final. The referee Mr Confucius checks his sand and... they're off! Nietzsche and Hegel there. Karl Jaspers number seven on the outside, Wittgenstein there with him. There's Beckenbauer. Schelling's in there, Heidegger covering. Schopenhauer. And now it's the Greeks, Epicurus, Plotinus number six. Aristotle. Empedocles of Acragus and Democratus with him. There's Archimedes. Socrates, there he is, Socrates. Socrates there, going through. There's the ball! There's the ball... and Nietzsche there. Nietzsche, number ten in this German side. Kant moving up on the outside. Schlegel's on the left, the Germans moving very well in these opening moments.

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Well, right now we're going back to the Olympic stadium for the closing minutes of the Philosophy Final, and I understand that there's still no score. Well there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here. As you can see, Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. He accused Confucius of having no free will, and Confucius, he say, "Name go in book". And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games.

And who's that? It's Karl Marx, Karl Marx is warming up. It looks as though there's going to be a substitution in the German side. Obviously the manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attack, as indeed he must with only two minutes of the match to go. And the big question is, who is he going to replace, who's going to come off. It could be Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer, but it's Wittgenstein! Wittgenstein, who saw his aunty only last week, and here's Marx. Let's see it he can put some life into this German attack. Evidently not. What a shame. Well now, with just over a minute left, a replay on Tuesday looks absolutely vital. There's Archimedes, and I think he's had an idea.

(Archimedes: "Eureka!")

Archimedes out to Socrates, Socrates back to Archimedes, Archimedes out to Heraclitus, he beats Hegel. Heraclitus a little flick, here he comes on the far post, Socrates is there, Socrates heads it in! Socrates has scored! The Greeks are going mad, the Greeks are going mad. Socrates scores, got a beautiful cross from Archimedes.

The Germans are disputing it. Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination, and Marx is claiming it was offside. But Confucius has answered them with the final whistle! It's all over! Germany, having trounced England's famous midfield trio of Bentham, Locke and Hobbes in the semi-final, have been beaten by the odd goal, and let's see it again. There it is, Socrates, Socrates heads in and Leibnitz doesn't have a chance. And just look at those delighted Greeks. There they are, "Chopper" Sophocles, Empedocles of Acragus, what a game he had. And Epicurus is there, and Socrates the captain who scored what was probably the most important goal of his career.

Returns lips to near virgin quality! Virtuous vanilla flavor protects and preserves. SPF 18

I am not making this up.


To wit:

"Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Make me, oh make me, Lord more than I am
Make me a piece in your master game plan
Free from the earthly tempestion below
I’ve got the will, Lord if you’ve got the toe.

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Take all the brothers who’ve gone on before
And all of the sisters who’ve knocked on your door
All the departed dear loved ones of mine
Stick’em up front in the offensive line.

Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life.

Yeah, Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life
End over end neither left nor to right
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop kick me Jesus through the goal posts of life."

Paul Craft?

I remember, as a high-schooler, reading a book in the "comedy" section of Hastings/B.Dalton's that was made entirely of country music lyrics, and that was one of them ...

:rofl:

What a crappy way to steal from people, and to humiliate kids and ruin, ruin I say, their self-confidence.


Piss on the Right wing, piss on them.

I'd love to share it with the "Commercials I Hate" board, of which I am a member. They love to hate white trash like this! ;)

They have other sports too ...

http://www.catholicshopper.com/products/inspirational_sport_statues.html

Where Jesus holds the ball just out of the kid's reach. :)

I'd thought he was doing a sky hook shot, but now that I look at it again, I think you're right :)

Ha Ha! Little kids. That's what you get for thinking dirty thoughts and disobeying your mother! :silly: