AARRRGGGHHHH!! Yet ANOTHER flower delivery to a co-worker this morning!

Geez, when is this gonna end? I work in a small office with only about ten employees, two of whom are out of the office most of the time. Lately, the women have been getting surprise flower deliveries from their SO's, which has been bad enough for this long-unattached single mother who always feels the sting of singleness the most during the holidays.

Normally, I don't care that I'm single and that, at my age, almost 39, my son and I are still living with my parents and have been since a few months before he was born nearly thirteen years ago. I have an active life filled with work, volunteer and church activities and school activities with my son, and, of course, political activities. I don't need to be with someone to validate myself and be happy.

But I've been suppressing a lot of frustration and loneliness, and another fucking flower delivery complete with a "I'll have a nice private dinner waiting for you tonight" card for yet another female co-worker who's celebrating her recent engagement and who happens to be a single mother six years older than me (who was also recently promoted after only five months here when I've been here almost three years), just burst the bubble and damnit, I'm so tired of being alone right now and watching everyone else get all the romance and emotional and yes, to be quite blunt, physical support. Let's just say it's been more than too much time since I've "gotten lucky", as well, so to speak.

And now the fucking holidays are coming up where I'm once again the only single one in the whole goddamn family and, given my closeness to the big 4-0 (in just 14 months), dealing with yet more pressure and bullshit from my family, especially since my younger cousins are all now married as well. And my mother's constant nagging and lecturing bullshit, even in front of family, I might as well be a fucking teenager.

And my favorite (hell, the family's favorite) uncle is dying, which makes family holiday stuff even harder now and without the kind of emotional support everyone else in the family is getting from their wives/husbands/girlfriends/boyfriends/domestic partner/whatever, which makes me exhausted just thinking about it. Oh sure, I get hit on by married men all the time, but that's not me. And even if I didn't have any principles or ethics and went for it, it's still not what I really want and need because it wouldn't go anywhere and I would just be being used for sex anyway.

And the only single men around here are mega-freepers, RW wingnuts, or fundie nutballs who cast judgment on me because I'm one of those awful, horrible, cause-of-all-moral-decay-in-society single mothers when I chose not to have an abortion, which is, according to their medieval doctrine, what I was supposed to do. And, much as I love my son dearly, I wonder what would have happened had I not had him. I know I would be in a better position, have a better job, gone to law school or graduate school, and would sure as hell not be stuck living with my parents where my mother seems to think it's a time warp and I'm still a teenager.

I did not have the kind of pregnancy and birth I had always wanted, my son's father threw me out of the house when I was pregnant because he didn't want to deal with it, accusing me of screwing around on him, which was bullshit and he knew it. I always thought I'd get married and have more children, and be able to experience sharing that, but time went on and on and I didn't get married and last year I had to have a hysterectomy and that was the end of that.

And I never have enough money despite my having a B.A. and a paralegal certificate, I only make $25,000 a year with only sporadic, at best, child support and I'm tired of watching everyone else I know without any college at all make a lot more money in better jobs and I have neither the time nor the money to go to law or graduate school, maybe if I were married it'd be different. Maybe not, but since I've never been married, how the hell would I know? And I'm tired of friends asking me for marital advice when, again, I've never been married so how the hell should I know?

And why is it that seemingly the women who are total nagging bitches who use men up and spit them out when they're done are the ones who always seem to have the guys falling all over them, and who never have a shortage of men, whether it's their husbands or boyfriends? I'm so tired of that, watching women pull shit on their husbands or boyfriends that infuriate me and that I couldn't see myself doing get all the men all the time.

I'm tired of still living at home and never having any money and not being able to get ahead. I'm tired of never getting any romance or attention. I'm tired of being alone and sleeping alone. I'm tired of not having the money for my own place and my own life free from my mother's fucking nagging, lecturing and controlling and feeling like a fucking teenager. I'm tired of watching everyone else get what they want, no matter what I do to change my situation. I'm tired of being patted on the head and told, by married or involved people, that it will happen when I least expect it and that I just have to be patient and wait. Well, I'm fucking sick of waiting and if I hear that just one more time I'm gonna puke. I'm tired of having to always be cheerful because men "don't like desperate, depressed" women, etc., etc.

Yeah, well, they also don't seem to like any woman who's not a 20-year-old blond 5'5 80 pound bimbo, either, certainly not an almost 39-year-old single mother who lives with her parents. Dates are like a fucking job interview anymore, with questions like "so why haven't you ever been married and do you think there might be something wrong with that", "why did you leave your last relationship and what do you think you could have done better", "why do you still live at home", "why don't you have a better job," etc., etc., blahblahblahblahblah. And just try saying ANYTHING liberal or progressive at all, and that's the end of it, you're considered a freak. Dating is not fun at my age, it's exhausting, often depressing, and incredibbly discouraging for anyone without a titanic ego to withstand it. I'm just tired, period. I have so much to give and it looks like there will never be a chance to give it.

And I have no fucking clue at all where all this depressing bullshit is coming from, it's not normally me. That goddamn flower delivery must have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm sorry, people, but since you've all become my second family I guess you just have to put up with my annoying whining behaviour as well as all my good, fun behaviour!

You're not the only one who is going to puke themselves sick over all the romantic mushy wushy stuff around the holidays.

I guess misery really DOES love company, lol!

...actually, didn't sound like whining to me. :) Just remember how much you have to give, and do give -- and wait for someone to spot it. It may take awhile, speaking on behalf of all men, we are kinda idiots.

but I'm just getting a little tired of giving and waiting and giving and waiting. And I'm really beginning to believe that all the good ones really are taken, because every good one I meet is married/engaged/involved. You know the saying, men are like parking spaces, the good ones are always taken!

... so she could take up with a car salesman. And I loved her, wrote her poems, gave her flowers, loved our children...

It was never enough for her. She needed "fresh worship," I guess.

Well, thanks for letting me let out *that* steam!

why is it always women like that, who think nothing of spitting on the men who are so good and attentive to them, who always seem to get the men? I'm so tired of watching that happen!

Sorry about your ex, btw, no one should have to go through that; just remember, though, that it was definitely her loss and that you're probably better off in the long run.

...on pretty much all counts. By definition, if she's the type of person who's capable of doing this sort of thing, I'm better off not married to her anymore. She's also always leapt from one man to the next, since she was a teenager. I thought, of course, she'd "changed" and I was the end of the line.

No. she just took a longer time making the next leap, is all.

But her salesman drools all over her. She "has" someone, and right now, I don't. Of course, right now, there's a little inner work that needs to be done before the next big "R" relationship...

But with someone or without, our children need us to be as strong and as whole as we can be. But I do hear ya: It gets lonely at night, with just your own head on the pillow...

Hang fast, and happy holiday-ing...

and may you survive the holiday children's shopping season with your sanity reasonably intact!

Your time will come :-)

Now if I could just get Will Pitt to notice me, SIGH.

You'll get like 1000 dates.

Worked for my mom, she married a millionare she met on there. And Canadian too!

since there's so much for people to choose from, especially the men, they only want and look for the cream of the crop.

I'm 39 and still single too, and my son is 16. We don't live w/ my folks, but we used to.

For me, the blues come at my birthday and at the holidays. At my birthday it's: "Another year older and still single" and at the holidays it's: "Another holiday season where I have to do everything all by myself"

Don't let the flowers get to you, though. I had a 3+ year relationship w/ my last boyfriend, and he sent me flowers once. He wouldn't even stop on the side of the road to pick a daisy for me. More than 160 weeks of being together and only once. (He also had a strong allergic reaction to jewelry stores and apparently to marriage.)

Thing is... I never once begrudged doing things for him that made him happy. I could never figure out what was so hard about reciprocation.

Some day I'll find one that finds happiness in making me happy. In the meantime, I think I'll send myself some flowers.

you give and give and never get anything back. And the older you are when you live with your parents, the harder it is to explain in the dating world because at my age, frankly, men can have their pick since there's a lot more of us and a lot less of them, and who do you think's gonna be more appealing to them, a single mother still with mama or an independent woman out on her own?

I'll send you some roses. Well, I would, but I make even less than you. So here you go:


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Holidays suck. Learn to just sit down and watch the football game, that's what I do to drown everyone out.

Thank you, those are very nice and appreciated, I love roses.

Tomorrow, next week, a year from now, you could actually meet the love of your life, and then every event, every decision, every disappointment, every heartache, will have led you to that place.

I didn't meet the love of my life until I was 3 weeks shy of 40 years old. Behind me were tons of regrets and detours from the life I thought I should have been living. When I finally got there I realized that if any one event in my life had been different, I wouldn't be where I was - so

Hang in there! Nothing stays the same for very long, bad times or good times.

Next year you may be getting flowers - OR - you might be sending them. I've found that sending them is just as cool as getting them.

But in the meantime I wish you lots of comfort and peace.

to death of waiting and I'm tired of it never seeming to be my turn.

Cry and scream if you have too (Don't let anyone at home hear you though!) That's what I like to do when I'm feeling down. Then take go running/exercise.

If you think you are always in a bad mood and would like to be in a better mood, then try St. John's Wort. Its natural and harmless anti-depressant. Wicked cheap too if you get it at Vitamin World.

and will likely be on them for life due to inheriting the family tendency for the brain to skimp on the seratonin levels. The problem is, I'm almost out of medicine and my doctor won't see me until I pay the past-due bill, the amount my useless HMO wouldn't pay, which is pretty much his entire bill.

At my age, it is almost literally true that all the men in my age group are married, gay, or---and here's another category you didn't mention--noticeably alcoholic.

I've also done the live-with-the-parents routine. They couldn't get it through their heads that I was no longer 15. They actually tried to forbid me to go to a movie that they didn't approve of--and I was 32 at the time.

Depending on where you live, $25,000 may or may not be enough to live on your own. If it is even *remotely* possible, I would suggest trying it, maybe sharing a house or large apartment with someone. There are also house/condo buying programs for low-income buyers in some communities.

The main advantage of living with your parents is built-in child care, but on the whole, that situation is undoubtedly a source of depression.

I know for a fact that it inhibits one's social life. My elders were so snoopy that they would stand around the phone when I got a call, asking over and over "Who is it? Who is it?" When an old graduate school friend came to visit, they treated him like the long-awaited future son-in-law (even though we were not ever romantically involved) and it ruined our friendship. I decided after that that I needed to set a dating moratorium until I was out of there.

It sounds as if you need to remove at least one source of depression! I can tell you that it felt really, really good to move out of my parent's house once I had an actually job as opposed to a series of undependable temp assignments.

aren't like that, but my mom seems to think I'm still a teenager and has for the past thirteen years since I've been at home. And I had to buy a decent car last week since my 16-year-old car finally died on me, which means it's almost impossible, at my salary, to live on my own right now. I didn't have car payments before, and now I have a $300 monthly payment for the next four years, in addition to all of my other bills.

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Thanks, you guys are all the greatest!

I was a single parent for 10 years before I met my husband. I had given up, hadn't dated in 3 years and gave in and went on a blind date a co-worker arranged. I've been married 12 years now.

I am suprised at the low pay you are getting, my sister is a legal secretary and makes about $35,000.00 here in St. Louis. She had been a bookkeeper secetary before and was married to an attorney but had never worked as a legal secretary before. I don't know if it's where you live or not, but maybe you need to move to a different firm and see if you can't make more.

Good luck!!!

a sole practitioner, and they almost never make much money. He really can't afford to pay me anymore than he is, he often has to borrow from his other business, a real estate title company (where all the other employees come from) to pay me and the law firm's bills. I've tried many, many times to get a better paralegal job but, even though I have a B.A. as well as a paralegal certificate, I've never been able to get past the first interview because I don't have the five million years of experience they want.

be able to start moving on to a more high paying job. I know it has to be hard to be patient!

But trying to get your foot in the door in a law firm or agency is getting to be very hard, there's an awful lot of competition around here with two local law schools (law students will often work in law firms and agencies doing paralegal-type work for much less than what a paralegal would normally be paid), and four well-known and well-respected paralegal schools.

A couple of colleges around here are even adding paralegal studies as a major, so you get competition from people who have a B.A. in legal studies as well. I have a B.A., but it's in history and sociology, not legal/paralegal, and a paralegal certificate I got after my B.A.

Do you have any employment agencies in your city? I'm not sure where you are, but most mid-sized and large cities have several placement firms that specialize in placing legal assistants and paralegals (and they don't charge you a fee--anyone who does is a rip-off business).

If you haven't already, you should seek out one of these agencies immediately--they'll probably have you do some skills testing on software and basic legal skills, and help you get your resume in order, and then line up appropriate interviews for you. You should be making almost double that $25K number.

those damned agencies and have never gotten a goddamn thing. There are several legal staffing agencies and I registered with EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THEM before I got this job. I had a B.A. AND a paralegal certificate AND four years experience as a paralegal/investigator with a nationwide employment screening company AND excellent legal research and writing samples from my internship and paralegal classes, AND great computer and legal software skills, etc., etc., AND NEVER GOT A GODDAMNED THING FROM THEM. NOT ONE SINGLE JOB from any of the nine legal staffing agencies.

ONE possibility, and that was for a $5.50 an hour FILING job an hour away from home! FUCK THAT! Not only would it not have even paid for gas, and the firm didn't even pay for parking which would have been around $100 a month, it was nothing and nowhere near what I was qualified for.

I spent one entire day interviewing for two positions, one of which would have been absolutely fantastic and would have been exactly the kind of position I'd originally wanted to be a paralegal for in the first place, working on an asbestos litigation team, including traveling to meet with clients and investigate/research information. BUT NO, they decided to go with someone from another staffing agency altogether, never mind that I had the perfect background and qualifications. Frustration beyond belief, I'll tell ya. And a lot of my other paralegalfriends had the same experiences regarding the legal staffing agencies, as far as we're concerned they're nothing but a useless waste of time.

I've used those staffing firms for the last nine years (four different job changes, one when I needed to move cross-country), and always had tremendous luck with them--the longest it took me to find permanent full-time employment was two weeks (others took from 3-7 days), and they've gotten me top dollar on salary, and have been incredibly professional and helpful to deal with. I make just under 60K right now (I'm in LA, so that's representative of the large cities--mid-sized cities will be a little lower).

Maybe you should give it another shot--when was the last time you used one? Now that you have more experience under your belt, you might do better.

it's probably different here than in other larger, more economically sound cities. There are an awful lot of paralegal/legal support people in the area, which means there's a lot of competition and the agencies around here are only interested in the cream of the crop.

The Affiliates, a subsidiary of Robert Half International, is the placement firm I use. They have offices in Cleveland and Columbus. They're the best I've ever used. And Los Angeles is no more economically sound than Cleveland--we took a big hit when the tech market collapsed, and with all the actors in town, there's always an unoffocial population of unemployed here who also compete for a lot of the lower-level staffing positions. Give it a shot.

Here's their website:

http://www.affiliates.com

Cleveland
1300 E 9th St
Suite 1802
Cleveland, OH 44114-1503
Phone: 216.241.6900
Fax: 216.621.0417
Email: cleveland@affiliates.com

Columbus
277 W. Nationwide Blvd
Suite 200
Columbus , OH 43215
Phone: 614.221.1544
Fax: 614.221.3976
Email: columbus@affiliates.com

on edit: be flexible--don't rule out certain jobs listed as "legal secretary," because they may be closer to paralegal than you think, and depending on the firm and the attorney you work with, you can parlay that into a move up the legal job ladder.

branch was one of the agencies I was registered with and never got anything from at all. But that was several years ago, so maybe it's different now.

Your additional experience since then should put you in pretty good stead.

Good luck!!

I'll give it a shot but I'm not holding my breath!

I find I attract the people, situations, jobs, etc. when I'm really following my muse....

And when I've gotten in a rut it is usually the kind of anger you are expressing that propells me out of it. I just get really tired of my situation, bad habits, or whatever and that disatisfaction, unhappiness and angst has penetrated to the marrow of my bones. I just get tired of feeling like a victim of life, circumstance, etc. I take some risks and follow my "bliss" and suddenly life seems to come to greet me with apparently no effort on my part. I know...sounds like a third rate self-help book, but it's the truth...and my experience.

and I may very well be reaching that point. In a way, I hope so.

But you may consider the flowers sent. If I could, I would deliver them personally, and cook the meal. Maybe you can have me cloned.

Anyone who can compose that good a rant would be great date company in my book.

Thanks for the encouragement.

I bet it felt great to get that all out. I always let that kind of stuff build up inside, then when some little thing happens, I end up ranting similarly to whatever unfortunate person is nearby.

I'm a single woman, and I particularly loved what you had to say about the "totally nagging bitches" always having no shortage of men; I go on about that all the time myself. I just don't get it and nobody has been able to explain it to me. Like you, I feel like I have so much to give, but nobody wants it.

And to me, you're still young; I'm 48. Almost everyone I meet, men and womsn, is married. And when a single guy does take any interest in me, it's only as a f*buddy, not as someone to go out with. Don't get me wrong, I love it when I have a f*buddy, but sometimes I want to be the girlfriend! And at my age, I really would like to find a life partner and to experience real love before there's no time left to enjoy it.

about the fuck buddy part, lol, that seems to be the case the older you get. Maybe men just get tired when they get older and just want the fun stuff and nothing else. And yes, sometimes, that's good, but I'm a little tired of that right now and want something more. And I'm beginning to be terrified that it will never happen to me.

And I know, isn't it frustrating beyond belief to watch women who are nagging, control freak bitches get all the men, I've never understood that, either. The men fall all over women like that, then when they get burned, as they inevitably will, they have the nerve to sit around right in front of the really nice gals and moan and bitch in their coffee about how there just aren't any "good" women around anymore. GGRRRRRRR! That happens especially in my church singles group, the men always go for who we call the church tramp, who's a total bloodsucking materialistic selfish bitch; then, when they inevitably get fucked over by her, they'll come whining to the group and the singles pastor about how they can't find any "good" women anymore when they're surrounded by them and we could have told the men in the first place what that bitch would do to them! GGGRRRRRRR!!! I suppose it's similar to men wondering why some women always seem to go for the "bad boy" types, or the abusers, and ignore the nice guys.

these women after the fact--sometimes even during the relationship. Some of them are intelligent men and I just don't understand how they have no idea what they're getting into. I've always had a lot of male friends, and it's even worse when they gripe to me personally about it. I have one friend who always seems to fall for real psychobitches, and it drives me totally crazy because I think that he and I would be great together (as a couple) but although he thinks of me as a true friend, he has no interest in me whatsoever "romantically." And then he has the nerve to complain that he thinks he's alone because HE'S too nice! Yes, he is a nice guy but I don't see him going for nice women either.

As for the fuck buddies, I guess I have been finding more in my forties than I did when I was younger. (And one is 15 years younger than me, which is a lot of fun.) But yeah, I'm more than ready for something more serious, and I can certainly understand what you're saying when you worry about being never finding someone

him that his choice of women sucked and that that was why he wasn't having any luck in the relationship department? And have you ever told him how you really feel about him? The best relationships I know are the ones that started out as friendships.

I don't think I ever told him that his choice of women sucked but I did tell him how I feel about him: that's when he told me he has no romantic interest in me! I'll tell you, I was extremely hurt and angry at the same time. I've known him for a long time and always thought we would get together someday; we have a connection (which is something I don't experience very often). But we're such close friends that our friendship survived that, continuing along the "friends with priveleges" line.

I also believe the best relationships would start out as friendships, but it seems to me that most guys (at least those that I know) have totally separate categories for women: they're either in the friend category OR in the potential relationship category. I've seen a lot of men who didn't seem to care that they had little in common with women who they date (or even marry). And that's something else that I don't get either.

in common with, there's a three-letter explanatin for it that begins with s and ends with x. I've seen it a million times. And if I were you, I wouldn't be friends with him anymore, let him see just how hard it would be for him to get along without you and see if he doesn't change his tune. I know for sure I would have been way too hurt and angry to have continued the friendship.

We have a connection, can say anything to each other, never get embarrassed around each other, can (and do) bare our souls to each other. I've known him for about 16 years, and felt the connection early on, but became closer friends in more recent years. Although our friendship is close, we don't see much of each other. Once, we hadn't been in touch for about 5 years, and yet we picked right up again. I'm also (literally) eternally grateful to him because he's largely responsible for my exploring my spiritual side, and ultimately finding a great church and a lot of great people. Ending the friendship is not an option for me. And when he found out about my interest, he didn't run away from the friendship (as many men would) and told me that if I wanted to end it, he would understand. The irony is that our friendship/relationship would be the perfect foundation for a couples relationship, but I'm over it now.

As for your explanation of those marriages, maybe that accounts for all the adultery out there. Cheating is something I also don't get, but it would make a little more sense in that context. But hey, they can also have great sex with a nice woman who they have something in common with, so I don't accept that as an excuse. (An explanation, perhaps, but not a logical reason.)

are thinking with their hormones, not with their brains. They marry the bitch goddess who looks like conventionally gorgeous, partly, I think, because they know that the other guys will envy them.

I've met some men my age (including college faculty) whose wives are positively embarrassing--both bitchy to them in public and visibly stupid. The fact that they usually have grown children suggests that the marriage was an early blunder.

These are the men who come on to me, and some of them are quite tempting. But I just don't do married men. Aside from the moral considerations, I can't help thinking, "There were women like me around when we were both young, and you picked the brainless bitch, so you've got to live with your decision."

what you mean about the married men and their ridiculous choices. I also get a lot of come-ons from married men. I will shamefully admit that there were times when I weakened and gave in to it, even though I knew it was wrong. But I don't anymore, for many reasons that you've touched on, including moral and ethical ones.

It's not just the men who married young, though, there are a lot of men my age and in their forties and fifties who are extremely picky because they can be, there are a lot more of us than there are of them, especially the older men and women both get.

I have one male friend who seems to have a pathological mania for dating what he calls "psycho hose-beasts from Hell." He dates these pathetic wastes of skin, gets horribly burned, then goes on a self-imposed period of celibacy until he meets another suitable hose-beast. Lather, rinse, repeat. The most frustrating part about it is that he's veritably *drowning* in nice, stable, well-adjusted, intelligent, attractive, etc. ad nauseam women who *desperately want to get next to him* (did I mention he's a rapidly-rising screenplay writer, well on his way to becoming rich and famous, and he's good-looking to boot?) -- but he's never interested in THEM. No, he only wants to date hose-beasts.

Personally, I think (in his case) it's his lack of self-esteem. He doesn't think he's worth any of the wonderful women, so he ignores them, or spurns them. So I think you're not alone in noticing this phenomenon.


Personally, if I were you, LH, I would be putting in major energy towards finding a new and better job. (Then again, that's what I'm dong as myself anyway.) $25K/a is NOT enough for you and a son to live on; I was making just a shade under $25K myself (deduct more for higher taxes, but add the cost of health insurance I don't have to pay for), and barely scraping by anyway.

Do you have an agency called Cartel in Cleveland? I'm not much of an expert on the US job market (more on Canada), but on the main jobsite I visit (a major one with ~10 000 jobs/day), they have tons of openings advertised for paralegals etc, usually at *very* good salaries. If they exist in your area, look them up. The job market has probably changed in the last few years; sometimes it changes overnight. (Also, a tip: If you see something that looks promising but seems to require more experience than you've had, apply anyway. The worst they can say is "No.")

Take care, and good luck.


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branch in Cleveland, if there is I've never heard of them. I'll check it out, though, thanks for the tip. And speaking of Canada's job market, I'm not kidding when I say on here (as I have many times) that, if Shrub and the Smirkinos are still in office this time next year, ESPECIALLY if they were actually elected this time, I'm taking the kid and moving to Canada because I just can't take it and I won't take it anymore.
I've already started laying the ground work by checking out Canada's immigration policies and taking the Skilled Worker Immigration Test they have, which I passed. I would have gotten a higher score if I had a job offer or a job in Canada. Paralegals and legal support workers are listed as a skilled occupation, so how would I go about finding a job in Canada? Is there a particular web site I can go to or somewhere I can research that information? Thanks!

Do they sit there thinking available thoughts?

I left a city of over a million because all I was coming across were "hose beasts" and other types of waliking wounded. Of course, I didn't have my head on straight either, but I had to leave town to find happiness...

yet, BJ? I sure hope so!

Enough said.

I suppose the fact that people die means that we shouldn't enjoy them while they're here.

Great comeback to put him/her in their place, and so true!

How do you know those women aren't doing the same. Pretend you have a love interest and the boy bees will come. It may seem like lame advice but sometimes things might take a differant track. I knew a guy who was always sending himself gifts at work with tags saying it was from some girl. We found out later it was his way of building himself up in a company with sports loving guys and he was just some skinny thing. The guys at work were always asking him for studly tips. Some of us gals knew the scope but didn't let on to the other guys or him that we knew. We just kept complimenting him so the other guys would get green with envy and treat him right.

the roses himself this morning (we know him), and as for the other ones, we know they weren't sent by the women themselves, either.

I was lonely, frustrated, felt stuck in my job, tired of my living situation, etc., when I was a bit younger than you, and I basically married the first nice guy who asked. I knew I was making a mistake even when we were standing before the justice of the peace. I was better off unhappily single than I was unhappily married. It costs money to get shut of a bad marriage, and it really sucks having to hurt someone else who thought you were going to be the answer to THEIR loneliness forever. I had to get out or I was not going to survive; I was getting severely suicidal living unhappily there.

And a few years later, I met my other half. I'm 44 now, and have been remarried for 4 years, happily this time.

Don't marry out of desperation. Don't ever marry for any reason other than that you truly want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Marriages made for other reasons - well, when the reason goes away, so does the marriage.

I know a lot of people who've had good luck with personal ads - if you're honest in the personal ad about your age, looks, financial situation, and that you're a single mom, then that weeds out the ones looking for the size-2 blonde 18-year-olds and the ones who'd freak if they found you had a kid. It might be worth a try.

And dates...I never would go on a formal "date" with a guy if I hadn't already had an informal meeting with him, like an afternoon at the zoo or some other place where it's easy to say, "oh, look at the time - gotta run!" if things aren't working out. Meet in a lower-pressure situation first whenever you can.

for the wrong reasons, and that's why I've never been married. I had a couple chances when I was younger, but I knew they were wrong for me and it was the wrong situation and I'm very glad today that I was able to recognize that then.

And I've never really had any luck with ads, whether online or regular, because there's still cutthroat competition involved and, because the men basically can have their pick since there are a lot more of us and a lot less of them, they want the cream of the crop.

I'm considered quite attractive, but I'm not Julia Roberts, either, and let's face it, a lot of men, and women as well, go mostly by appearance when they're first deciding if they're interested in someone. I had a friend tell me I was "too intellectual" for the personals, and, though I hate to think that's true, maybe she's right. I've NEVER had any luck with them, no matter how positive and upbeat and cheerful, etc., etc., I've been. I get almost no responses except from men who only want the fuck buddies, and I almost never get any response when I answer one myself. That tends to wear you down after awhile, even if you've got good self-esteem, which I like to think I do, and I just don't want to deal with that again right now.

Wow, the Men Seeking Women personals always outnumber the Women Seeking Men in the papers here. Maybe that's why I know so many guys who are single and desperate.

Maybe it's time to try to find another job so you can make enough money to move to another area? With the skills you mentioned, have you ever considered trying to become a medical transcriptionist? It pays pretty well, and someone who's literate and types well can usually do it without a lot of difficulty. A plus is that if you have a computer at home, you can often find part-time at-home work as a medical transcriptionist without quitting your current job.

In some areas there are far more women than men, and in others it's vice versa. Northeast Ohio (Cleveland area), unfortunately for single women, happens to be one of the worst places in the country for single women since there are statistically far more of them than there are single men.

And that doesn't count men who are gay or otherwise uninterested in women or relationships. Other areas have the opposite problem. Now, of course, if I could just find a way to meet Barry Manilow, all my problems in this regard would be solved, lol! I know, I know, get real, but a gal can dream, can't she? Unfortunately, I don't live in LA where he is, so I guess that's out!

no, he isn't. But, alas, he lives 3,000 miles away from me, SIGH. He gives one helluva concert, that's for sure.

section.

Look, I know a dozen guys in their mid thirties to mid fifties looking for COMMITMENT and having no luck. Maybe it's regional, maybe it's the fact that they're secular humanists, maybe it's just weird Colorado vibrations.

By the way, the paralegal market has changed significantly in the last 2 years - a friend who couldn't get a job at all 2 years ago is getting 6 offers or more a month now. She has an equivalent educational background - a BA in education, a paralegal certificate and a teaching certificate. She worked for 2 years at the County courthouse. And it's not just local - she's getting offers for all over the country.

3rd thing: when you go on interviews, make sure that you have pampered yourself (do an at home day-spa thingie), dressed 2 notches above the company requirements (scope the place if you need to), and ooze confidence. Stand up straight, chin up, look 'em in the eye and be an assertive ice queen. (BTW, assertive ice queen works with dating, too.) Don't let them see anger, sarcasm or irony - most HR people don't understand those three things.

Best of luck, and if you want to come to Colorado, I've got a house you could live in for cheap. The schools are... not terrible. About mid-level, and in the cities, better than mid level. Feel free to email me or PM me and I'll send you the website for the house.

Politicat

my own area, Northeast Ohio, is statistically considered one of the worst in the nation for single women since there are a lot more of us, at almost every age, than there are of men, and that doesn't include men who are gay, already involved, or otherwise unavailable or uninterested.

There are other places, though, where the opposite is true and I know that that's the case in some areas of the Western states, including Colorado. Guess it's all in the timing of where you live and when you live there. Same with certain kinds of jobs, Cleveland is saturated with paralegal and law schools, which means the competition for jobs, even with good qualifications and plentiful jobs, is very tough. In other areas, they're desperate for them.

which require more flowers??? Hey...if you cannot be cyinical why exist???

That's certainly a different interpretation!

then the other girl gets jealous and tells her SO what happened and complains. She sends one to herself and the SO sends one too.

The other gets jealous because she only got 1 from herself, while the other got 2, so she complains.

The SO who just wants some sweet ass goes ahead and sends her 2 while the original girl sends herself another one.

This is what we call proliferation

That may be true, but it's been such a long time since I've been involved with anyone that I've kinda forgotten a lot of the dynamics involved.

I am one of the parking spaces but am still going to have to take antidepressants for various reasons, I know how it feels to be on your own, this is my second time round but before I was single for 2 years.

I couldn't find a woman that I could get close to or have an intelligent conversation so I had to fly over here and find one!

Keep us posted or if you ever feel down and want to talk you can email me, I'm a counselor in training with depression, bizarre eh?

bizarre, lol! And it seems that all the good ones really ARE taken, SIGH.

that was a mighty rant! you need a :grouphug: liberalhistorian!

however, remember that there are plenty of women who are IN relationships that NEVER get flowers. i never did, but i work in an office where there are several women like in your office. it can be disheartening...

just last week, i broke up with my live in bf 3 years, well, kicked him out is a better term! i never felt lonelier than when he was sitting next to me on the couch. i now feel so light and free! should've done it a long time ago...ps-i'm a single mom too.

there are much worse things than being alone! hang in there, sweety!

of knowing that because it just seems like something you'd tell yourself as a consolation prize. And I know what you mean about feeling a lot better and freer after your breakup, I had a serious relationship in college (many, many years ago, lol!) that became a total nightmare and I never felt better after I finally got up the courage to leave and moved in with a friend.

:evilgrin:

:7

I hope you're not projecting, BJ! Of course, we all know you better than that now, don't we!

Now, now, that's not a very charitable view of the other half of the human race!!!!!!

Smile, girl.

I know you're just letting it out and good for you, but you know that whatever happens has to come from you. Don't believe the bs about "waiting for it to happen", about "give up trying and it will happen." That's a sure way to stay in the same situation ... for-f'in'-ever. No, it's on you, LH. Do as you've always done and you'll be as you've always been.

And unless (now mind you, I'm not a doctor (pill pusher)), unless you're seriously depressed get off the anti-depressents. I'm convinced they're crap. I took them for years. Didn't make me feel any better. And I didn't feel any worse when I quit taking them ... plus I regained the use of my weiner (I missed my weiner).

I know it's a cliche but exercise really does help depression. Even a little helps, but the harder the better. Depression is natures way of saying "get off yer ass, and fix yerself." It really is a call to action. You can't always make the changes you need to make immediately, but there is *something* you can do. Are we not progressives? If we can make the world a better place, why not ourselves?.

Routines are hard to change. It's easier to stick to a crappy routine than to make even a positive change. You need to make yourself *actively* uncomfortable. Right now you are passively uncomfortable, and that's a recipe for extreme unhappiness.

But you know all this.

Do this: Sit down and think about your problem, develop a plan of attack, and chip away at it until the sucker falls.

Till then, here comes a big ol' hug. :^)

Good luck.

Actually, as far as depression and anti-depressants are concerned, I'm damn near suicidal without them. You just cannot "talk and cheer" your way out of depression anymore than you can stop taking insulin for diabetes and tell your body to adjust it's way out of it. It really is a medical condition that I inherited from my mom's side of the family, our brains don't produce enough serotonin and the anti-depressants have been a tremendous blessing and help for me. Exercise, also, of course, but that's not enough, trust me.

is 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman, PH.D. This book is the best I've read on the subject. Seligman is a leading researcher and authority on the subject, and his book is a definite step above the usual self-help fare.

The very act of reading self-help books makes one feel better, so read lots of them. 'Learned Optimism' is a must read.


While I enjoy playing doctor, I'm actually only qualified to do examinations and resident-level poking and prodding. ;^) Maybe you should stay on your meds.

Have a good day, LH.

You are totally correct regarding depression. It is a chemical problem and the medication is literally a life saver for many. Are you a reader? If not, do you have a cassett player in your car? I ask because there's a book (and tapes)out now that I'm really starting to get into. It's called "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting." It's about magnizing and manifesting your desires. It give concrete techniques and is quite the phenomena right now. Several of my friends have had life changing experiences because of the lessons learned in this book. Also, I agree with what one of the other posters said (sorry, I can't remember who). Try like HELL to get out of your parent's place. I've had roommates for years (even when I was a single mom) and your self-esteem will increase majorily but not living at home. You could move into a place that already exits (like a house with several bedrooms) and you and your son could each have one. I did that before and it worked out well. It's much cheaper than living in your own place. Until you truly feel like you deserve more, it'll be hard to get more. That's what this incredible book will do. Also, you may consider some self-hypnosis tapes that will help you program your subsciousness mind. You may start with "Improving self-esteem." I listen to these tapes a lot and I SWEAR THE IMPACT IS AMAZING.

I'll definitely check out that book, reading is one of my greatest pleasures. And thanks for backing me up on the depression issue, it never fails to amaze me how many really intelligent people STILL believe in the stigma and misconceptions regarding depression. It's obvious they've never suffered from clinical depression, since they don't realize it has NOTHING to do with what's happening in your life (you could be getting married to the person of your dreams, and still suffer from it), and you can't just "cheer yourself up out of it."

:hug: :hug: they're small, have two...
I hear ya, except I never get "hit on" by anyone....

There's GOTTA be a good, single, progressive guy out there someplace. somebody who you could talk to. Hopefully, one who "likes girls", too...

always welcome, and I can't believe you never get hit on, lol! I guess some women just don't have any taste.

....you need more liberals and liberalism in your life. You're hanging around with too many people who care about THINGS.

You could radically change your life by getting a student loan and going back to school and changing jobs and moving out of mommy's house.

If you couldn't still make it on your own you could share space with another LIBERAL mother of one.

You could become employed in a non-profit or a union or some sort of social services agency.

You see, lefties don't care about all the crap you keep getting grilled about.

You have the power to transform your life. But you'll have to give up the comforts that mom provides.

about my living at home and not having a better-paying job!

.....maybe you ought to think about taking up with a woman instead of looking for a man. I'm not a lesbian; I'm just thinking from a commonsense perspective. When a woman can't find a man who will meet her needs, there's probably a woman who would know just what to do. (Emotionally and physically.)

What am I saying?

I'm not even going to even think about asking what the story is behind that one, BJ, I'm not even sure I wanna know!

I have three sons that I have raised myself during that time. My ex has been claiming poverty and is exempt from child support. Well thats another story. But during the holidays the ex-inlaws have the fancy gatherings and the boys go with their mom to those gatherings leaving me home alone. During my 17 years of marriage I was always at those events and enjoyed them greatly. As soon as the ex ran off with an internet lover I was poison. But every year before Thanksgiving or Xmas the ex and ex-inlaws always call me for suggestions and favors concerning my sons. I've been asked to drop them off at grandmothers house, 20 miles away and pick them up when I'm called and even asked to send over the Italian dishes I would cook for the holidays with the boys for their feast. Right!!! I try not to be rude and end up making something up to get out of it.

Anyway, I seem to be the only single person at the hospital I work at. Everyone is talking about shopping for their spouse/CO, and parties and events they are attending, asking me for suggestions for gifts for hubby or boyfriend. Flower deliveries are also frequent. The ladies I work with are always asking me if I've found someone special yet or if I have plans for the holidays... AARRGGHH!!! I work too much in order to survive to have a girlfriend. No time, no money, just work for my kids and pay bills. Its been a long time since I've "got lucky" too. Plus dating has always been difficult for me. I'm 47 and a stutterer and during stressful situations like dating or asking for one I tend to stutter more which totally turns women off. I know exactly how you feel and I sometimes wonder how things would be if I hadnt had my kids.

Sorry to pour this out LH but I guess that misery loves company and sounding off sometimes helps. I wish you the best in surviving this season. Try not to let it get to you and try to enjoy your time with your son as I will try to do with mine.

MAveRiC

You don't live near Cleveland, do you? (wink wink)

Grasswire, I can hear you singing "Matchmaker, Matchmaker" (from Fiddler on the Roof) right now!

I know EXACTLY what you mean, especially about being surrounded by couples and romance and all that stuff all the time and really feeling alone a lot, especially during the holidays. This really is a couples-oriented society, and I think it's hard for those who've been married or with someone for a long time to truly understand that.