A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without kipping half the letters and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise".
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up vocabulary).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr@p and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. No catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

get their shit from snopes http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=104&topic_id=5379578&mesg_id=5379705 :shrug:

whatever happened to the amazing randi http://www.randi.org :rofl:

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

It's still brilliantly funny, though.

it's authenticity was not my point

just curious.

No accusations from me, I lurked for quite some time myself.

I was only curious.

You've been here for some time...

Happens all the time, don't sweat it. :hippie:

Just curious. My daughter has been around here a long time with few posts also. Why worry? :shrug:

I was just responding to the signature line: "To "Question Authority" is to exercise the most important Democratic right."

Tis the curious chap I was addressing.

You, on the other hand, I will look forward to hearing more from. That was a damned funny bit you posted in your OP and I sorely needed to laugh a bit. Thank you for that. Hope to see more from you.

18. The United States Dollar will be replaced by Sterling at a rate to be determined in the future by the Bank of England. Due to the Bank of England taking control, credit card rates as such will be increased 7%.

19. The British Broadcasting Corporation will take control of the American Broadcasting Company and be ran as the official state media. To fund the operation of ABC, a licence fee of £116 will be imposed on each household that operates a television capable of receiving over-the-air signals.

20. Social Security and Medicare will be merged into the existing National Insurance service. As a consequence, the National Health Service will be available to all Americans in due course.

21. Ken Livingston will be liaising with the Mayor of Los Angeles to introduce Congestion Charging. This is where you will be billed for driving on the Interstate by means of licence tag recognition. People who fail to pay the Congestion Charge will have their tags revoked and be required to pay substanstial penalties.

22. Richard Branson will be appointed Chairman of Amtrak, and be allocated resources to operate it to the standards of his existing Virgin Rail services.

23. There will be limits imposed on the size of retail outlets. As a result, a number of Wal-Mart and other similar stores will be forced to downscale. Sorry it's your own fault for building these humungous stores in the first place and killing off your main shopping centres (what you call downtown).

24. Americans are to be denied dental services. British people have bad teeth and as such it's a shame that all the Americans we see have good teeth. Tax credits may be considered for the number of cavities you have. However there will be token National Health denistry.

25. Shops on Sundays will be open for a maximum of six hours as per present English legislation. However your supermarkets will be permitted to sell liquor.

26. As a consequence of becoming a colony of the United Kingdom, elections will be held to appoint representatives to the European Union. Voting will be done by paper ballot.

27. The age of majority will be harmonised at 18. This means learning to drive is at 18, getting married is at 18, drinking is at 18 and smoking is at 18.

28. To further develop the British sense of life, the Episcopal Church of the USA will become part of the Church of England, which is the official state church of England. As such, it will be the Established Church in America.

29. Abortions are too easy in the USA. Third trimester abortions are henceforth banned, unless there is grave peril to the woman. Abortions are only performed if it would jeopardise the health of the woman and as long as two doctors attest to this. The abortion of course will be done on the National Health Service.

30. Weddings are also too easy. Licences will still need to be applied for, but there is a time between getting the licence and getting married. People wishing to get married within the Church of America will need to have their Banns read on three subsequent Sundays before they can get married in Church.

31. In the interests of fairness, the broadcast media will be required to be even handed in political matters, and adhere to special broadcast standards during periods of elections. However the printing of topless women within the insides of national and regional newspapers is permitted, as is the airing of nude people on over-the-air television.

32. Elections will no longer be at determined intervals; local councils can decide to do elections as and when they wish.

33. The US Army motto will be changed, after all it's always been wishy-washy with "Be all you can be". Instead it will now just "Be the Best".

34. Each November 5th, you are encouraged to make an effigy of your favourite enemies and set light to them on a bonfire and then have a fireworks party afterwards. It is what the English call Guy Fawkes Night, where we celebrate the failure of Guy Fawkes to blow up the Houses of Parliament.

35. And finally, if you want to speak properly just say the following:

AIR HAIR LAIR.