Weekly World News: CIA wants to hire Dr. Phil as interrogation consultant

CIA WANTS DR. PHIL
That sly "How's that working for you?" grin gets 'em every time.

By DEBBIE FANATIA



http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/suspects/61302

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The CIA is so impressed by Dr. Phil's interrogation techniques they're interested in hiring him as a consultant. They've yet to interrogate the man himself, as they are still gathering information.

"Watch his show," said a top CIA official. "He seems so homey and touchy-feely until it gets down to the nittygritty. His lectures to his guests are ball-breakers, and he always ends with, 'so what's it gonna be?' and they give it up. Instantly."

With the government's problems in Abu Ghraib and Gitmo, they're looking for a kinder, gentler approach, but of course they need results. "Our reputation has suffered some damage lately, there's no doubt. Hiring everybody's buddy as a top consultant could help that, but the real goal is to find out how he pulls all that information from people, in front of a live audience, and broadcasts to millions. He gets them to admit things I wouldn't say out loud if I was all alone in my bathroom."

The official says the government has studied endless tapes of his show, but they just can't nail the technique. "We think he could teach us how to suck them in with that sly 'How's that working for you?' grin. The detainees aren't tough enough to withstand that, followed by the blow to their psychological security when he launches into a tirade when he gets less than the truth. The unrelenting lecture, the flailing arms, leaning in real close to the subject with his fist on his knee, that abrupt switch will break them. That's the key."

"When are you getting married?"
"Do you want me to invite {hideous, mean, Repub rich guy} to dinner?"
"Are you eating well?" {yes, Mom.} "What did you eat then?" :eyes:
"Did you gain weight?" {yes, I'm chunking up nicely thanks.}
"When did you last clean your fridge?"
"Did you put on your snow tires?"
"Did you put on your snow tires?"
"Did you put on your snow tires?"
"Did you put on your snow tires?"
"Did you put on your snow tires?"

they screen guests and find the weakest, most emotionally vulnerable milksops and throw them into his den. Please. You really want good interragators? Hire some anthropologists who've had to work around the verbal acrobatics of New Tribes missionaries :scared: