A few facts you did not know about Chuck Norris.....

Chuck Norris
Here's a few random facts you may not know about Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


-When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.


-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a
beard.


-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.


-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.


-A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.


-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.


-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.


-Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"


-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
you may be only seconds away from death.


-Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor
wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

I can't believe no one replied to this. It's hilarious and, I'm betting, mostly true. :spray:

Thanks, Bill. :pals:

to the list, but since I'm tired and the e-mail I got with this was funny enough already I just kept it. It's good though. I, however, prefer razor wire as floss though. Only wimps have to choke it down with food. :)

Has he done something to collectively piss us off, besides making bad TV shows and even worse movies?

My father watched "Walker: Texas Ranger" like a crack addict waiting for his next fix. My father also watches "professional" wrestling. I just chalked it up to extremely poor taste in television.

What did Chuck Norris do to anger the gods?

BTW, I am flat out addicted to pro wrestling. I am watching a pro wrestling documentary as I type right now. Multi-tasking. :) It's great entertainment, much higher quality than "Walker: Texas Ranger."

However, "Walker" is a lot of fun. It is downright hilarious! I love that show. Although, I don't watch much tv anymore, let alone "Walker."

My father is republican because he owns a union carpet store and he's required to be by history and economics, but he otherwise can't be bothered.

And after listening to his arguments over the phone with the union boss, I don't think he really minds. He just plays the game every three years when the union contract is about to expire. They always reach an agreement.

Health care was a big deal about a year ago, but my dad joined a local "group" of companies that paid to the same insurance company and it worked out for everyone involved. The union bitched for a while, but it all settled down. The ultimate change was an extra 5 dollars a month from the craftsman and an extra 10 dollars a month from the company, per employee.

He's doing gangbusters business right now, and the employees are delivering better than they ever have. End of year bonuses for carpet installers are going to average $3000, which is a big deal, especially in Cincinnati.

My dad is completely conservative, and he hates unions to boot. However, he loves all of his employees who help him along, and he has always returned money the company made back to them. His company has the lowest turnover rate of any carpet company in the city, and I fully believe it is because of his management.

It might also be the $3000 bonus. His employees have gone on strike before, but never when they had a good year. They are all having a good year, including my father.

So go nuts people, there is an entire company in Ohio that is doing good.

And shamefully, the owner of that company likes to watch "Walker: Texas Ranger" - I cannot condone that!

:)

Chuck Norris is The Chimp's favorite actor, btw. Dubya loves Chuck's films, lol. :)

I have never seen one of his movies, but on Walker, nobody ever died did they? It was like the A-Team. I once commented how he would kick people in the face and they would flip over in slow motion only to get up and be kicked again. But at the end of the fight there were apparently no injuries. No one was groaning in pain, no one was spitting out broken teeth. No ambulance was called nor were any arrests made. See, fighting is just good clean fun. He was, however, hilarious in his guest appearance on "Yes, Dear"

I'm pretty sure he doesn't.

In his movies he has. Norris is hilarious when he isn't even trying to be. I would have loved to see his guest appearance. His appearance in "Dodgeball" was funny. :)

god damn Chuck Norriss!!...:)

He'd headbutt you into next week! Or stare at you and make you explode. One or the other. :)


missed that apostrophe the first time.:)

Chuck can't do a damn thing to me man, i'm god damn Bruce Lee Incarnate, I will pummel this punk, from Oklahoma...and shove an OU flag into his black heart....:)

:)

this white boy is going down...:) Don't forgot who won this fight either...:)

Can't recall if it was an arm or a leg, but one of Chuck's bones got snapped.

Just watch the fight. You can tell how pissed off he's getting 'cause he can't defend against Bruce's fighting style.

Bruce was tough as shit and lightning quick. No shame in not being able to handle that guy. :)

monkeys are out of touch with the toughness of Chuck Norris. They need to be initiated. :)

Now THAT is funny! :rofl:

:rofl:

That's the funniset thing I've heard in a long time, seriously. Thanks for the laugh.

Do they still play Oregon Trail on school computers? Because I was playing it in 1986, and it seemed pretty crappy then, except fot he killing-of-woodchucks part...

I doubt they do. Maybe. I was always a "Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?" man, myself. I bet Chuck would mess some shit up on that one pretty handily. :)

ever see Conan when he had the lever? When he pulled the lever they would show scenes from Texas Ranger show...it was hilarious :rofl:

that was the greatest thing ever. The first time he had that one of my younger brothers called me, he lives in a later time zone and was just about in tears laughing so hard. If I hadn't watched it myself I wouldn't have been able to piece together what he was talking about, haha. Oh man, those clips were the best. I may not have seen a funnier segment on a Late Night show than that. :)

:toast:

Chuck Norris Texas Ranger lever...the one that always sticks out to me was the clip involving that little kid from the 6th Sense...chuck, and his buddies are all in a little group, near a tree, and they are all laughing and talkign to one another...and then there is an eerie silence, and that little kid says "I got AIDS"...and chuck and crew look at each other...it was priceless, i guess you had to see it, but I about fell over in my damn chair...:)

and he looks over to see a rattlesnake -presumably put there by a bad guy - right next to him, coiled and poised to strike. So Chuck makes a quick movement with his hand and then it cuts back to him half a second later holding a totally limp fakey looking rattlesnake, bahahaha! It was great. I love those clips. I wish I was watching some now, haha.

is one of the great "movies to watch while stoned", bar none:)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099399/

For some reason, they never go to or mention Columbia at all, haha. It's awesome though. Pure comedic genius. Sure, it isn't meant to be funny, but fuck, it is a Chuck Norris vehicle, so it just is. :)

Are my favorite films of his.

I haven't watched that in, must be about 15 years at least. :)

thus ensuring he would be born an immortal.

Chuck Norris stole Superfoot Bill Wallace's leg and incorporated it into the prototype of the Total Gym.

Chuck Norris has a secondary heart sewn into his chest (from a donor baboon) to increase his asskickability.

Bravo! :)