I'm overreacting again, aren't I?

At lunch, my husband was telling me how, if this snow kept up, he was going to purchase a snow blower. I looked at him half-serious, half-joking and said, "Nah-uh, a vaccuum cleaner comes first." To which he told me, "I'm not using my Christmas bonus to buy you a vaccuum."

Background: I have an extremely crappy vaccuum. It's a bagless and it is always getting clogged. I spend more time doing maintenance on the darn thing than I do using it. Furthermore, I've put up with it now for almost 2 years. I had just tried to use it before we left for lunch and suspect the engine is now kaput (or the belt melted again - it had that burning plastic smell and smoke coming out of it).

Although I didn't say anything, the exchange in the first paragraph really hurt my feelings. It hurt because, once again, I see him refusing to put me first.

Am I overreacting?

really wants.

But having that said, it shouldn't take a christmas bonus for him to buy you a competent vacuum. Actually, just tell him "ok, if you like the old vacuum so much than for now on it is your job to do the vacuuming."

Oh, and it is a holiday bonus. hehe

If he doesn't think the vacuum is that bad, it should be his job to vacuum. I guarentee that after 2 weeks, you'll have a brand new Dyson sitting in your broom closet.

but I see this totally the opposite way.

It's ~his~ Christmas bonus, given by a company for which ~he~ presumably works hard to provide. He'd like to spend it on a snow blower to lighten his load somewhat this winter, and yet, you've told him he can't do that he has to put you and your desire for a vacuum cleaner first.

You're seeing this, (not unreasonably) as married women often do, as though all things are 'ours' as a couple. But he appears to be seeing this as a bonus which is singularly his by virtue of his hard work and efforts. It would be a warm and generous thing if he chose to share it with you, but unfair and unkind of you to insist that he do so. And I think that viewpoint is reasonable as well.

"Never sweep. After four years, the dust doesn't get any worse."

My guess is that he'll start crabbing about it at some point, and then you'll get that new vacuum.

I rather like my bagless Eureka, but yes, it does clog up from time to time. I have 2 longhaired cats, so that's to be expected.

why don't you just go buy one yourself?

If I was you I would take the money you would use to buy him a xmas present and by myself a vacumn cleaner.:hi:

...give him a vacuum for Christmas.

Yes, I'm evil.

Snowblowers may save a life, i.e., from a heart attack. Retaining and using an old vacuum cleaner may be -- and is a pain in the *ss -- but probably won't cause a heart attack during use or repair.

All that being said, doesn't obviate the fact that a vacuum cleaner should be bought and soon too!

Good luck . . .

Snow removal can cause a heart attack. Get him the blower.

Sometimes women get pissed when they get gifts like a vaccuum cleaner or a new broom, or an apron. It indicates that they belong in the home, working. Maybe he was trying to be nice, indicating that he wanted to use his bonus to pamper you with a new robe or piece of jewelry, rather than equipment to remind you of rhe drudgery of housework.

How can snow removal cause a heart attack?

up a bunch of sand or dirt from your driveway.

By that logic, any heavy duty house or yard work should be avoided. :-)

If the snow is really wet, would a snow blower help much anyway? I can see a blower getting rid of the powdery stuff, but not much of what you describe.

We don't need snowblowers here, but it seems like everyone has a leave blower. I hate those things because they're so stinkin' loud. I'm a big fan of rakes.

If you don't get it done pretty quickly you're either trapped at home, or it will turn to a dangerous sheet of ice. Snowblowers are good at getting everything and getting it quickly. You'll just have to trust the experience of people who deal with snow.
Here's an article
http://www.aarp.org/health/Articles/a2003-10-23-a2003-10-23-shovelsnow.html

"If the snow is really wet, would a snow blower help much anyway? I can see a blower getting rid of the powdery stuff, but not much of what you describe." Do you even know what a snowblower is? It is much different from a leaf-blower. It's more like a lawnmower that rips up hills of snow and sends it flying from a hole on its side

First, it's harder to get full oxygen interchange in the cold. And, one cubic foot of snow weighs over 60#. So, 2 inches of snow over 300 square feet (a typical driveway) of pavement is almost 3,000# of snow.

Moving that weight of snow, while bundled up, the blood is running away from the extremties and not getting all the oxygen one needs can lead to heart attacks.

Doctors STRONGLY recommend against anyone over 50 shoveling snow in excess on 1".
The Professor

It isn't a hose that you point at the snow, blowing it away. It works more like a lawnmower, except for for snow, if that makes sense. It's called a blower because the after the snow is collected it is blown to the side out of a hose-like extension. Not offering my opinion on the necessity of them, as I'd like to remain mod neutral :) just to explain how they work.

I finally went back to a vaccuum that uses bags. Never clogs like those bagless varieties do. I had 3 of them. Finally learned.

Anyway, that snow blower is a heck of a lot more expensive than a vaccuum cleaner. Take your husband shopping.

Well, you vacuum more than it snows, I would think. However, if he is overweight or sedentary, snow shoveling can do him in.

Have you tried a Goodwill store for an interim vacuum? Sometimes you find good ones.

What bugs me about his statement is the "my" bonus to buy "you" a vacuum. If my hubby said that to me I would be pissed too. We try to think of everything in terms of our, hubby works, I am lucky enough to be able to stay at home. It was tough at first getting used to spending his salary when we had always been pretty equal wage earners. Whenever he starts talking about "his" bonus, I remind him that his bonus wouldn't be as big as it is, if I didn't make his life so easy at home.

Yes, a snowblower would be nice, but how many times do you use it a year? How much do they cost compared to a decent new vacuum? I would think that your family would get a lot more use out of the vacuum but then I live in Florida. I agree with one of the other posters, make him try to use the vacuum, maybe then he'll realize just how big a deal it is to have one that blows up on you all the time.

Maybe he'll let you use it.

driveway. :)

you can't get your car out of the driveway to get to the store and buy a vacuum cleaner, right? (This thread needs a guys point of view).

No need for a snow blower to get a vacuum cleaner. And anyhow, if your house is all dusty and dirty on account of not having a vacuum cleaner, you'll get sick so you won't be able to go out and buy a snow blower. :P

Why is the purchase of a new vacuum cleaner presented as something for *you*? This brings to mind old, sexist sitcoms in which the husband would buy fancy new gifts for the wife, which naturally were always related to household chores. "Here's a new iron, honey. Now press my shirts."

Feh.

That said, I can understand not wanting to use a bonus to purchase such an item, assuming the bonus is actually that and not something you've come to rely on to make ends meet. But, I wouldn't want to use it on a snow blower either.

In any case, no, you're not overreacting, but I think there's a deeper issue here than just a snow blower vs. a vacuum cleaner.

please don't think a vacuum cleaner should be a Christmas present; it's a household necessity-or not. ;-)

relationship aka "marriage" without sometimes blurting out stupid cr@P! that they usually immediately wish they could grab out of the air and stuff back in their mouths.

My feelings would have been hurt, too. And then I would have bought him a Hoover for Christmas.

:hi:

Does this type of thing often happen with your husband? Does he call the shots about major purchases? If so, you need to renegotiate this setup. One spouse should not have the authority to override the other's opinion unilaterally.

However, if it was an off the wall comment that he made and immediately regretted, let it go. And then go buy yourself a new sweeper. And do not get bagless, they suck.

If so, to me, that's a problem.

I somehow don't think your question was really about whether to buy a vaccum or a snow blower. Sounds more like it's his "I'm not spending MY Christmas bonus on YOU". I'd have some serious issues with that attitude as well. If it was more a "I don't want to spend that money on something practical" that would be one thing but the way you've described it, it sounds like that's not his point.

It also sounds like, and I could certainly be wrong, but it sounds like he has the money making employment and you don't. If this is your situation and you have both agreed to it, that doesn't make it "his" money. You need to get that straightened out if it's the case.

But I don't know her size and so,
she gets a carpet sveeper instead!
Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
When each kid hangs up his sock
It's a time for kids to flip their lids
While their papa goes in hock.

:shrug:

.

week of January at the soonest now that the idea of Xmas bonus and Vacuum have been mentioned together

:silly:

Not knowing you or your situation or anything, merely responding to how I would react here.

You are upset because he put himself first, not you? Should he be upset because you put yourself first, not him? If you want a new vacuum, go buy one, but it seems the appliance is not the issue here, it seems that whose wishes are considered is the issue. If my partner got a bonus, I would think he/she would have first choice at what it would be spent for and I can see a person wanting to spend your bonus on themself, on something he/she think is important (even cleaning the sidewalks).

Shouldn't it be "buy US a vacuum"? As if he doesn't benefit from it? And benefit from the housework you do?


Them's fightin' words! He isn't just not putting you first, he's also implying that his contribution matters but yours is only to be expected. Time to go on strike. No more housework - let him live in a pigsty. Until he realizes that your hard work gives him a better standard of living and that to do a good job you need good tools.


Khash.
(did feminism accomplish nothing?)

So I guess it would depend on the tone with which it was said. I certainly would think there is something wrong with a husband who is dismissive of his wife's needs or opinions and as you imply this isn't the first time its happened. I must admit my reaction upon reading your post is he likes to be in control and you think a vacuuming is your job. Hope that is not the case.

If he wants clean floors, he will have to buy a new one.

1. Why is the vacuum "yours" and the snow blower "his"? In a marriage, all of that crap (including his bonus) should be "ours". That's the meaning of partnership - without that, you're essentially two individuals sharing a place. Roommates.

2. Why can't you simply go out and buy a vacuum? Does he control all the funds? If so, why? That too is a poor way to run a partnership. It should not be his decision alone how funds are spent, even if he is the only one working. Once again, partnership.

3. "Put me first." Now you say you were "half-joking and half-serious" when you gave him the vacuum ultimatum. Were you really or were you testing him to see how he'd reply? Was he serious or was he too "half and half"ing? It sounds like communication is another problem between you. If you seriously want and need a vacuum, say it. Don't play word games and expect him to know what you mean.

4. "Overreacting AGAIN". Another poster pointed this out. Is this a recurring thing? Because if so, you have bigger problems than a crappy vacuum. You both need to assess just what kind of marriage you have and how you define it. If he's in charge and that makes you feel angry and helpless, that's not good. If he refuses to see your needs, that's not good either. If you can't communicate your needs, that's not good. Etc.

If I appear to be taking his side, I'm not. But it does appear to me that you're setting yourself up to be a victim by allowing him to control whether or not you get something as mundane as a vacuum cleaner.

There's something other than vacuums and snowblowers going on here.

There seems to be a great deal of little stuff that's been hitting me wrong over the past 3-4 years. I don't really know exactly how to explain it. I always thought that I'd marry a fellow who would throw himself in front of his family in the face of a firing squad. You know, the guy that when faced with real danger grabs the flashlight and heads to the front of the line. My guy is hard-working, honest, ethical and a good person. About five years ago I began to notice he was becoming increasingly selfish.

Like I said, little things:

He will go in the kitchen and make himself something to eat without ever considering the kids might be hungry.

He will go outside and start his car for it to warm-up, knowing that I'm going to be leaving at about the same time, and not offer to start my car.

He does only his own laundry -- and does that begrudgingly.

He cannot get himself ready for work and a child ready for preschool. On the mornings our son rides with dad to preschool, I must get up early to dress and ready him. (Meanwhile, when I have an early meeting, my husband does not feel that I deserve the same courtesy and doesn't get up to help me.)

He's responsible for taking the trash to the curb. That's it. Other than working his job, taking out the trash (from the porch to the curb) is his only household contribution.

When he is at the store, he'll pick himself up a treat -- very rarely including the rest of the family.

If he ever needs to take part in the domestic tasks at our house, he gets rather pissy about it. (Not slamming stuff or yelling -- just that cold, pissy attitude.)

As for the rest: Yes, I do have my own income. I've been a small business owner since 1998. I could easily go out and buy myself a new vaccuum. That's why I said my comment was half-gest, half-serious. I wanted to give him a hint for a Yule present and I wanted him to understand we *need* somethings and a snowblower is not on the *need* list. (We have a very small property -- four squares of sidewalk to the front steps, maybe 10 squares of sidewalk to either side of the property. It takes less than 15 minutes to shovel. I know this because I'm the one who normally does it.)

So, in response to his selfish behavior, I've responded by trying to become more and more selfless. That is, I will make a point of doing as much as possible for him. I thought by dumping all this kindess on him, he'd have a little light bulb go off in his own head. Sadly, it hasn't worked. I now have the choice of trying to correct his behavior or learning to live with it. I don't fancy either of those choices.

and you guys seem to have a communication problem. Trying to "show" him by example has merely allowed him to take advantage of the situation. Either you are going to have to talk about it together or with a thiird party. It won't get better until you communicate.

but sometimes just being a guy inadvertently makes you an asshole. I mean after the heavy love affair part is over, you get stuff weighing on your mind and it just doesn't occur to you that "maybe I should start her car too" unless you make a point to be attentive to things like that

The reason I realized this was I used to really roll my eyes at this crap they saturate on TV and other media how a guy is always trying to get away right after sex. Then one time I realized I was staring squarely at the door and she didn't even have her panties back on yet :(

Talk about a cop out.

:nuke:

Oh boy - wrong answer. Sorry but can I give you some advice? Don't do that. That will only make it worse, not better. If he's already selfish, he's only going to see your behavior as his right.

I think you have to talk to him about this stuff - let him know what you see him doing and how his actions hurt you - and most probably your children who are certainly just as aware of it as you are.

I think your choice is really do you learn to live with it or do you try counseling. Seriously, you can't change him. Either you will go bonkers trying and become resentful or he will get resentful over all your "nagging".

In the snowblower/vacuum conflict, it doesn't sound like you're overreacting, it sounds like this is a recurring thing that you're starting to get good and angry about.

Is it just that he doesn't realize how much work running a household is, or could it be something else?

It also sounds like you need a vacation by yourself. Let him deal with running the house for a week and maybe he'll get some perspective.

First off, for those who don't know, I'm married and have an 11 year old daughter. So there's the personal stats.


I don't know how old the kids are, so it makes my answer harder. In my house, I cook the meals, all of them. However, sometimes I feel like a PB&J or something. I go in the kitchen and make one. If my daughter is hungry she says so. Better yet, she fixes a PB&J too. If I go make some tea, I always offer.


Could it be as simple as "could you start mine too while you're out there?" I mean, I consider myself to be fairly sensitive, but at the same time, I'm very one-track-minded. If I know my car needs to be started, I start it. Does it make me a bastard for not starting her car? I should hope not. I'd gladly do it if she asked. I've always detested the argument (men and women both do this) where one spouse is pissed off because the other didn't do something for them that they were never asked to do.


You definitely win this one. That's shitty. Kinda weird even.


Again, have you asked for help in this area. My gut tells me you win this one as well, but I'm not closing the door on this one completely yet. For years, when I was still on active duty, my preschool age (at the time) daughter and I were ready and walking out the door when I woke my wife up. Nowadays, I just make the lunches (for school and for us) but other than that, the job is hers. Our daughter is pretty self-sufficient, but sometimes she needs a little kick in the ass to get in gear in the mornings.


Pretty sweet deal. What happens if you assign other tasks? You say, "other than working his job" which kinda belittles it a bit. Now, if my wife said that, I wouldn't be offended because she knows I sit at my desk, write code, and play video games at work, so she always gives me a good ribbing about that, but for all I know your hubby is out digging ditches for 12 hours a day. If that's the case, trash duty ought to be enough.


Ok, I confess, I do the exact same thing. You know what though? I treat myself and hide the evidence before I get home. No one is the wiser and I got a treat for being the sucker who went to the store. If anyone else wants a treat, they can hop in the car and go with me and I'll be glad to get them one. I'd say he definitely wins this one.


Ok, so if you want my completely useless opinion, there seems to be a common theme here. Do you guys actually talk? I don't mean it to sound like I'm trying to be an asshole, but seriously, do you talk?

CornField, you sould like a really goodhearted person. I think maybe the problems are bigger than message board advice can fix. My wife and I went through the roughest of times several years ago. Yeah, it was bad, but we got through it by actually talking to each other and keeping the possibility of professional help open (although we never used it) and this many years later, things could not be better. We both look back at that time and wonder why on Earth we thought of splitting up.

I wish you the absolute best. If your hubby is like me, his lack of attention to things like starting the car aren't a reflection of his feelings toward you or a general aire of insensitivity, rather complete absentmindedness. Perhaps it comes from being a programmer, but I spend a lot of time with my mind elsewhere. Sometimes it's all I can do to remember WHY I went to the store (other than for my secret treat. :) )

the way of the vacuum cleaner.

Your marriage smelling of smoke, burning plastic and is on its last legs unless you sit down and decide a course of action for your relationship.

The best present to put under your tree is a good relationship counselor or a divorce lawyer.

Before you decide on a divorce, consult your tax attorney, THEN a lawyer. Get your financial affairs in order first, before you let him know, etc.

At this point, this marriage doesn't sound like it's benefiting anyone. You're treating him like one of the kids and he's treating you like mom. You're both taking each other for granted.

Problem is, humans need to be told what is expected of them. You can continue in the mom role and tell him what needs to change too, I suppose. But you need to make a plan for one course of action or the other in order for YOU to be happy.

If you want to first try to save your marriage, print out these posts, including yours, and let him read them.

It's not that hard to have this discussion... the hardest part is to start it. I wouldn't make a huge preamble, just find a moment and make the time. Don't let him know what's coming, however, or else he'll go shovel the driveway.

and decide that for the sake of tranquility you will both have to make do with the basic models on both the snowblower and the vacuum. Both items are justified.

than a vacuum cleaner. It's a guy thing. They see housecleaning as something women do and not really important. Look at how most bachelors live and you'll see that without us, they'd still be living in caves and wouldn't much care about cleanliness. If you have any money of your own, you could buy a new vacuum cleaner that you want on your own sometime. Then when he mentions snow blowing, tell him you have a fun new toy too. Personally, I wish they would start making a riding vacuum cleaner. :evilgrin:

dangerous, noisy, expensive, and a pain in the a$$ to maintain, yes, but not fun. With the price of gas, it would be cheaper to hire some kid from down the street, or, like my dad, just get your oldest son to do it for nothing.

ones or the big ones. I don't like the gas powered ones because they weigh too much for me, being female and all. I don't like the big ones, because a Dremel can do the same thing with more control in a lot of cases. I'm a dremel nut.

never say anything like that to me. Anyway, I think you deserve the vaccuum more!! :hug: And what happened to "ours"? Why is it "yours" and "his"?

Oh God... don't get me started!

it can become all about "me". My husband and I share practically everything. I know what may work for me may not work for others. That is fine, but my husband would never ever say "I'm not spending MY Christmas bonus on You" Marriage is about unity and coming together. At least it is to me.

I was actually about to go off about the "vaccum cleaner FOR YOU" part.

:nuke:

:)

There's the error. You're telling us when you should be telling him. You don't need to fight or be accusatory, just say it.

But this is exactly how I'd react if I had purchased a vacuum cleaner for you for Christmas.

Are you a UIUC student

I'm an alumni. I live in NYC now.

You from Chicago?

Go Sox!

Grad school

I went to graduate school at UIUC. I was going to move back there next year, but plans have changed.

:hi:

Maybe you can find some gently used snowblower and vacuum for the same price of a new snowblower.
You MUST keep the inside looking decent...you don't want debris all over the place.
Snow melts, and CAN be shoveled. Vacuuming has no back up plan.

and there's lots of well-meaning people giving lots of good advice but HOLY MOLY, get a hobby already.

Buy a guitar or a tennis racquet or take up quilting or painting or something. It's common knowledge that buying appliances as gifts for your lifetime lover is a great big no-no.

I'm actually surprised more people didn't say it.