Why the holidays are like Bad Nookie

(I wrote this a couple years ago--feel free to pass it on, just credit me if you do. Thanks.)

I’ve long been searching for a metaphor to describe the holiday season nowadays, and believe I have finally found it:

The holidays are like bad nookie.

Don’t snicker yet. Hear me out.

Let us assume that you are one of the fortunate ones who doesn’t notice the Christmas merchandising until September 1st, when dancing Santas and mistletoe suddenly compete for retail shelf space with back-to-school close-out items. (The real back-to-school items went on sale the first week of June.) Oh, how those enticing holiday trinkets glisten and gleam! Resolutions regarding your last relationship, which ended so abruptly December 26th, melt away like ice caps under global warming.

But most folks don’t buy in September. At that point, it’s all about flirting, the thrill of the chase.

Let us now set up a Conversion Table: imagine each calendar day from September 1st -December 25th as one minute of time. So from September 1st to November 25th, you’re flirting up a storm for the equivalent of 86 minutes.

Now, imagine post-Thanksgiving as The First Move: You’re both back at your place. It’s hot! It’s heavy! It’s frantic! Your mind reels. Your spine melts. This is it, this is The One! This time it’ll be different!

So now you move into serious foreplay, all of your senses on overload. From November 26th through December 24th—the equivalent of 28 minutes—you’re working up to The Big Deal.

And what happens?

One day. One minute. And it’s over.

What would Dr. Drew say? Or, to puree the sacred and the carnal into one ecstatic package, Madonna?

Then, some of you will bound out of bed the next morning and be back at the stores, ready to return things—the equivalent of running for the shower. Others will begin to dismantle holiday decorations so things can be “back to normal” by New Year’s. Christmas, your newly re-found (and lost) love, is standing outside in the snow, shivering and sniffling, putting his shirt on backwards.

Is this any way to treat a loved one? Even one you only jingle bells with once every 365 days? (People! Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall show more respect for each other during their infrequent trysts in “Brokeback Mountain!”)

And that, folks, is the problem in a nutshell: Christmas in America in the year 2005 is only one day long.

Now, keep imagining with me for a minute. What would happen if we shaved off some of that foreplay time, and added it on the back end?

What would happen if December 25th was, instead of the be-all, end-all, only the beginning? What if we really celebrated all 12 days of Christmas, right on up to January 6th and beyond?

Imagine presents being unwrapped slowly and deliciously, one a day for 12 days. Imagine Christmas cookies and other delicacies for almost two weeks. Imagine all the laughing, playing, nibbling, snuggling rapture that could be yours, if only you’re willing to prolong the pleasure just a little bit longer.

“Impossible!” you cry. “There are lights to be taken down! Gifts to exchange! Bills to pay! 10 pounds to lose!” People recover that tense look they had around December 22nd, and bark “Oh, I’m so glad the holidays are over!” Yes, everyone looks forward to a long, gray, debt-filled January, don’t they?

Be a rebel. Be a lover, not a fighter. If it’s not a fire hazard, leave the tree up another week. Have one more cookie. Call that estranged friend. Leave Johnny Mathis on the stereo.

Do it right, you can stretch this wonderful afterglow all the way till Valentine’s Day.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmyeah.

(copywright 2005 by Dean Backus)

:)



http://www.cafepress.com/opposingforces

... unless you catch something :)

You know, I'd borrow this for the church newsletter, but I don't think they'd appreciate the finer points you've made.

:applause:

slow build up and then continuing on til early January with lots of visiting, music, open houses with friends, and gift giving to various relatives and lots of eating. And we don't take the tree out til um, well, once it was Valentines Day, I am sorry to say.

>Imagine all the laughing, playing, nibbling, snuggling rapture that could be yours, if only you’re willing to prolong the pleasure just a little bit longer.<

:blush:

Julie

What to do to extend Christmas? Well, we can go the English route.

Sure there's the big explosion of Christmas Day... lots of prezzies and opportunity to get totally drunk.

Then comes Boxing Day. And no, it's not a day where Mike Tyson does battle or eats ears. It's time to eat Christmas Day dinner leftovers and to get wasted again.

Then after that there's the 27th December. Start of the New Year Sales. This is the biggest shopping day in England (though lots of stores have been opening on Boxing day as of late). Time to blow your Christmas money and to get completely drunk afterwards in the pub.

There's three days left: oh well no point in going to work so let's go to the pub! And get even more drunk!

Decembver 31st! If you haven't got drunk here's a good night to get drunk.

Jan 1st. You should have a huge hangover at this point and spend the day in bed.

Jan 2nd. It's now a New Year. If you're in Scotland, it's a bank holiday. No work for you.

By the end of this, you have turned your one day Christmas explosion to a 9 day drinkfest.

Mark.

Just kidding - I really want to see it but it's only in LA :-(