Question for those in relationships:

(actually all can answer; sorry)
If your woman goes out with her girlfriends /you go out with your girlfriends and things get a little out of hand (read:very friendly) between two of you (both girls) would that be a problem in the man/woman relationship? I am taking into account that yes, it is technically cheating; but looking past that....I am guessing the main problem would be that the SO was not informed of the possibility of that happening beforehand. Devil's Advocate: what if it was just a spur of the moment thing? How would you feel?
Just wondering; hope this is not offensive; really looking for insight; thanks.

If my husband goes out with a member of the same sex or the opposite sex?

I am out with the girls...and he is out with who?

It is terribly confusing.

I would consider it cheating in the absence of some sort of prearranged understanding that it was not.

The gender of who the fooling around occurs with isn't the important thing, the breach of trust is.

That's it exactly.

If you have committed to being monogamous with your partner, then IMHO it would be a problem.

You are asking about this situation: PERSON, whether male or female, is in a relationship with a female, and that female goes out with her female friends and she and one female friend have a bona fide full-on-naked sexual encounter.

And your question is whether PERSON should let this affect his/her relationship with the sexually promiscuous female partner?

And then your second question is, if female-female sexual encounter was a spur of the moment, should this have any effect on the dynamics of one's response?


And of course, reading the meta-question, the real question here is: "Does lildreamer316 have the right to be pissed off at his/her female significant other for having a sexual encounter with another women?" (or, does lildreamer316's SO have the right to be pissed off at lildreamer316?)



Speaking personally, I'd be quite pissed if my female significant other had a sexual encounter with another female. Especially if the other female were hot, and I were not invited. :-) But yes, cheating is cheating.

So, let's say Salma Hayek invites me out for some girl talk (let's say she wants to tell me what a rat bastard Brad Pitt is, and what a whore Angelina Jolie is for instance--no comments here please...this is MY fantasy) and we end up discussing that hot scene where she got it on with an actress playing the part of Josephine Baker.

And things got wayyyyy out of hand....

IF I don't call Michael (that's JanMichael--the husband) and invite him IMMEDIATELY....I suck. I mean, what a crummy wife. And hell yes...that is divorce talk material.

I mean, if you're going to invite Michael, it's only fair that Salma invite her main squeeze... :D

I was trying to not have too sexual a post. You have it basically correct; but the assumption in this relationship has always been that eventually a certain one of us would be with a third party when that person was ready (ok it's me). The third party that was involved this time has been my best friend for 13 years and this is the 2nd time in that span that this has happened. SO knew this was a possibility and we haddiscussed his not being there before--the main problem seems to be that he was not preinformed about it; so was not there/in the area/whatever.
We (bf and I) just saw it as having a little girl fun. I understand the problem; but this is not a tendency I have--this has never happened in our relationship before and I do not have any desire to go out and find anyone else for any reason.
Very strange stuff.
DO I need to take this to PM?

Oh; and yes....she was hot.

Which isn't really surprising when I try to decipher your posts. ;)

The thing is, you can't go on assumptions. That's not fair. People who are in a relationship need to have some fairly clear understandings of what is/is not considered okay.

Your SO may have said he'd be okay with this at whatever point it happened to come up but he probably meant he'd be okay as long as he was prepared and knew it was going to be happening when it happened. In addition, he may have felt at the time he said it that he'd be okay but theoretical and actual are often two different things. And he may have said that because it was what you wanted him to say but he didn't really mean it.

It sounds like you really need to work out several issues - communication with your SO, what you really are looking for with this friend, and what you want out of your current relationship.

And, yes, you were in the wrong. You cheated. :spank:

Have been with a good friend for the past hour trying to decipher my motivations....several things have come up.
For the record though; there really is nothing going on with the girlfriend...it just isn't like that.
Love my man; don't ever want anyone else.
Sigh.
Just when you think you've grown up....
I'm just disappointed in myself. I wanted to be better than this. I thought I had put this kind of behavior behind me. I don't want to be that kind of person-and I haven't been for a long long time.
Thanks for listening...I am just going to steel myself to deal with whatever consequences my actions may bring.

No ifs ands or buts.
That's an easy one.

if my husband cheated on me, reglardless of the gender of the person with whom he cheated. And I imagine he would have a problem with me cheating as well, again regardless of hte gender of the person with whom I cheated. It isn't about gender, it's about the cheating.

It wouldn't help if the cheating happened as a "spur of the moment thing". I can't think of any way that would make me feel better. It would probably just make me feel like it would be more likely to happen again with no warning.

on how the partners understand their relationship. :shrug:

Sorry, I HAD to say it.

It's still cheating, and I'd be pretty pissed to find out after the fact. However, if my female SO came to me, telling me that she was attracted to this other woman, and wanted a one-off thing, knowing that she could've done it and not told me (read: gotten away with it) I'd have to consider her desires/happiness. Of course, the male ego in me does NOT see things the other way (the other woman were instead, a man).

no question.

RL

If your SO had a reasonable expectation and a desire for your fidelity, then it's cheating. If your SO and you had clear guidelines for an open relationship before the brief encounter took place, then the subject is up for debate between you and your SO. You are the only two people who can decide whether it was cheating, but regardless, if your SO is hurt then he's hurt. Whether you feel he's a right to his pain or not. And you're the one who's hurt him.

he has a right to his pain....no question. He actually is trying to shift the majority of the blame to her instead of me; and I'm going to have to tell him he needs to be angry with me. He did know that this kind of thing was a possibility; and we had discussed it happening without him--I think it is the shock of it that's getting him now.
We will see. Thanks for the response.

:)

Just trying to sort out my VERY OBVIOUS confusion. I will try to be clearer in my posts from now on.
:dilemma:

I feel that if she had an affair with a woman and was honest, there is no reason for me to feel threatened, because she is getting something that I obviously can't provide. This is in contrast to an affair with a man, which I would be extremely upset about.

And, if I get to watch.... :evilgrin:

Sorry. My post missed the point.

-Laelth