So, what would you do? Old friend called today

I've posted about this friend before, most notably right after the Oct 2002 protest when she yelled & screamed at me for committing treason and how I should be shot for that. She happens to be one of my oldest friends who I first met at college. We had great times doing roadtrips to the shore & DC and hanging out together. But now, 20 years later we barely talk.

She's got a boyfriend who has cheated on her several times and basically a lazy ass good-for-nothing with criminals for his kids. My friend also has her own daughter that she practically neglects and is basically doing nothing about her growing drug habit (her daughter is 15 and very bright, very intelligent and very messed up. Mom's attitude about the drug habit? "Well I did the same thing myself". Of course back in the 70s the shit she was doing wasn't half as bad as what's out there today).

So my old friend just called me. Probably the first time in about 2 years - no biggie. Not like I've been calling her. I mean, she has apologized about the treason comment but I just can't be around and watch her daughter hell-bent on self-destruction why my friend (the mom) stands back and does nothing. Hell my step sister has 2 boys about the same age and neither of them seem to be on this path of self-destruction like the girl is.

But I guess my friend, her boyfriend, her daughter and a daughter's friend are going to Philly for the night and asked if I wanted to meet them there. I kinda bugged out with an excuse. My friend and her boyfriend are heavy smokers (and I'm sure the daughter is already picking up the habit too). I can't stand her boyfriend because he has cheated on her and is taking advantage of her. And most importantly I don't even want to be near her daughter because it'll break my heart to see what she's doing to herself and the fact that I can't do anything about it (Her daughter once emailed me why my nephews, who she knows, won't reply back to her emails. I actually told them to steer clear of her because I don't want them getting involved with her - hell she's been picked up by the cops once).

So, my question after this long rambling on about my life is this? Do I call back and say I got out of my plans for today and meet them in Philly and put up with all this drama even if it's only for one night or do I just steer clear. After 20 years my friend and I have nothing in common. My friend is a borderline drunk with an asshole boyfriend and they both love George Bush whereas I've kinda steered away from all of this. I drink, but if I'm lucky once or twice a month and then not much, I hate Bush and my life has been geared more towards politics & volunteerism.

Any advice?

I think you and your friend have just grown apart. If you'd like to have some sort of contact with her, maybe a lunch every once in a while. Lunch is shorter than an evening out. If you're in the area where she lives and you have the time of course.

She's back in Harrisburg and trust me, I've been to Harrisburg enough times and I just don't bother.

I just think it's all for the best. I'm not going to change and neither is she. Her daughter probably will end up in jail, a hospital or a morgue before my friend realizes she needs to do something about the kid. I mean, if all this kid was doing was smoking a little pot I wouldn't even care, but she's getting into much heavier than that.

Thanks for the reply! I guess I wanted someone to justify why I was faking out an excuse.

Here's a funny tidbid - I was thinking of heading up to Philly today in search of more vinyl records but now I think I'm gonna skip that idea!

:D

The answer will be clear I think.

that's a dagger to the heart
of the promises we made
that's a chapter full of pain
a season full of rain
a dark and stormy night
spent all alone

friends!?
Get scattered on the winds
tossed upon the waves
lost for years on end

friends!?
slowly drift apart
they give away their heart
maybe call you now and then ..."

"Make new friends, but keep the old
the first are silver, the second gold"

sweet reverie doesn't count for *that* much, at least not for me

Reread your last paragraph and you'll find that you have already answered your own question. It's a shame and I understand your reluctance to end a friendship of so many years but it sounds too painful.
I have a friendship with someone that has limped along since high school. We really have little in common anymore and it feels sad. I understand a little how you are feeling.

Sounds like it's too painful to be around her anymore. And I don't blame you.

Tell her something came up.

And right now, that is what this looks like to me....you're transitioning away from your old friend.

You have nothing in common, and you find her boyfriend and all that lifestyle repugnant. And who can blame you for not wanting to see her daughter self-destruct?

I would do just as you have done: Stay the HELL away. Those people are toxic.

Cut the ties, bleed a little...and then heal and stay away from them.

:hug:

Sorry I missed your post to me in Nighthawks last night. I was cold and sleepy and turned in early, so I wasn't online much.

How are you today? So good to see you here! It's so wonderful to have positive connections to people like you, here at DU, particularly the Lounge.

So, a great big Howdy! shout out to you this fine Saturday morning!! :hi:

No worries about missing my post to you in the Nighthawks thread! Those get to be monsters...and it is easy to miss stuff...

I am well today, thanks! Looks like it's going to be a gorgeous day.....the sun's out, no clouds......

Hope you're well too! I'm all in favor of positive connections, believe me! It is always good to see you too......

I'm signing off now.....haven't had my breakfast yet, and now I'm starving!

Catch you later!

:loveya: :hug: :pals:

that the relationship is not a healthy one for you, for the contacts re: your family members, and your heart is really not in it, there's really no reason to go meet her and her crew out of some amorphous guilt.

Hang in there LynneSin. The way you told the story in your post shows you have great misgivings...listen to your gut...it was speaking volumes to you in your writing about this :hug:

It's okay, you've done your best. People drift into and out of our lives all the time, and not every friendship is the forever kind.

The day may come when she bottoms out, when she needs you and is ready to accept the friend you can be, and to be a good friend once again as well. Be there for her then. But until then, save your positive energy for those who appreciate it, instead of just consume it.

but I'm not gonna watch her or her daughter get to that point!

How will she know she can turn to you when the shit hits the fan, when you won't see her at a time when (at least in her mind) things are somewhat ok?
I'm not saying that you should spend lots of time with this woman or her kid, it sounds like it would truly suck ass. However, it might be a nice thing to meet her briefly, for coffee or lunch, to convey at least a small gesture of friendship. Sure it could be very not-fun, but it's not as though it would kill you.

After the treason incident, her daughter did all she could to get us speaking again and we all decided to do a weekend down at the shore. It was a total nightmare. My friend complained about her boyfriend and the fact that he's an asshole and her daughter (who was around 13) talked about how much she couldn't wait to dye her hair and smoke pot. When I asked the mom if she was going to do anything about it she was like "Kids will be kids".

If I were around them I would only start yelling at them for their stupid mistakes espeically the mother. Not all kids end up doing drugs, not even a majority of the kids in school do and yet this mother was practially giving the green light for her daughter do do whatever she wants and trust me, it isn't the pot I'm worried about.

And I have been there many times before but if she chooses not to call me then I'm not losing sleep over it

I have a friend much like this...but addicted to "one up manship" and "materialism"...and after I tried to help her out....she burned me bad.

I find now that I am much happier since she isn't in my life anymore stirring up trouble or problems.

ever wants help, you'll know it and can respond at that time. In the meantime - be good to yourself and don't get around ANYONE who will bring you down.

People change and move on and move in different directions. You do not need this negative influence in your life. You might find the transition easier if you changed the term "friend" to "acquaintance."

Treasure your memories and move on. This relationship would be unhealthy for you to encourage and continue IMO. Perhaps, in 10 years, she will have worked on her problems...realized her transgressions and come back to you. Until them, my heart hurts for you Lynne.

:hug: Laura

You said yourself you have nothing in common. Why hang onto something just for the wispy memory of a friendship that was essentially over years ago? Really, from your description, it's a stretch to refer to her as a "friend" - she sounds more like someone who USED TO be a friend.

I have people like that in my life - people I was very close to at one time but who I no longer have anything in common with. I'm cordial when I see them and once in a while we'll drop each other a line. I still exchange Christmas cards with a couple of them but it would be silly (IMO) to behave as if the friendship still existed on the level it used to. It just doesn't.

You've received a couple of replies that talk about being there for her or supporting her when the shit hits the fan. I don't mean to sound cold but why? In what possible way is it your responsibility to "be there" for someone who has pretty much moved out of your life? How can you be much support when you have nothing in common anyway?

Move on. Leave it. You have other interests and other friends and I'm sure she does too. Why inflict that kind of drama on yourself for no other reason than that you used to be friends?