A Family Problem

Two of my brothers live with my Mother, or I should say, live off my Mother. We're talking 55 year old and a 48 year old sons living rent free at the home of my 82 year old mother. She has the house and social security, that's it - along with rising medical bills for a number of ailments. One brother just retired from the Post Office, the other does odd jobs around the neighborhood. They're both extreme alcholics. I have another brother who lives in Florida and has a reasonable normal life.

I live in an apartment 30 miles away from Mom. I've been looking to buy a condo or town house in my area, which is more expensive than where my mother lives. In her area I could buy a single family home for the same money. There is a good commuter train service that I could use to commute to work. Lately she asked me if I wanted to buy her home. She said she'd give me a good price. I had told her no at the time as I thought it would put me in a difficult situation with my brothers.

Going home for Thanksgiving yesterday changed my mind. One of my brothers got all mad and pouty because my mother wasn't quick enough bringing a bowl for putting dressing in. He stormed out of the house and didn't come back for hours. The other brother yelled at my mother for asking for a box of crackers. He insisted she must have one in her room.

A friend of mine came with me to the dinner. We both brought dishes for the feast. I washed dishes while my mother showed Mary some of her cut glassware. Neither of the brothers were present or acted civilly during the feast.

I think I need to buy my Mother's house, kick my brothers out and move in downstairs. I just feel I need to protect her. The brother in Florida would probably back me up. What do you think?

I would take the house. Sell it and take your mom far away with you, and don't look back.

it won't cause more problems for you and your mother. I'm guessing that with a PO pension, the one brother could afford a place for him and the other brother? Though they sound like complete assholes, I'm guessimg that neither you nor your mom want them put on the street - just out of her house.

I don't think he'd take my other brother. My other brother would probably end up on the street for a short time. But usually what happens is he either finds someone to take him in or he does enough to make enough money to support himself somehow. I certainly am not contemplating doing anything until Spring. My father wouldn't allow them to sponge off when he was alive. He certainly wouldn't allow the kind of behavior I'm witnessing from them.

The brother in Florida is the power of attorney and eldest.

they should of been put out on the street decades ago.

squatters. Were it me, and the house was in an area where I could commute to work and maybe re-sell it shortly, I would grab the house, make sure mom can finsish her days in security and peace and give the brothers-grim not a second thought!

I would also look into restraining orders and an adult care type companion to stay with mom during work hours.

Actually I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem. She also lives near a day care center for elder adults and the bus service would come right to the door so the area is a good one for her and she gets good medical care and all. She's in her right mind when it comes to things that don't involve the sons!

It would be different if they were doing the primary house work to help their aging parent out. If they are living there and not working full time, they have no excuse for not helping their mother with the housework. Regardless, they should not treat her badly. Since she wants you to buy the house, you should buy it. You might want to talk to everyone involved including confronting the brothers about their behavior but ultimately, kicking the brothers out and being with or near mom would probably be a good idea.

and let me guess, you're two brothers sponging off of and berating your Mom vote Republican, correct?

We're all Democrats. And one of the brothers does help with the housework grudgingly and by request. The other brother will take her to the Doctor and run errands for her (if she pays him).

I don't want to paint my brothers as villains per se, I believe they are victims of their own horrible addiction to alcohol, I just need to take care of my mother without having to take care of them.

asking this sort of thing of a bunch of strangers has the advantage that we can look at it analytically.

But, of course, we don't have to live with our advice.

Simple suggestion-- take over the house, toss the ungrateful siblings, and put your mother in a decent, safe place where you can drop in on her. Maybe even you and your mother alone in the house. The brothers will have to take care of themselves.

Unfortunately, it won't be that simple.

It never is.

The best to you and your mother on whatever you end up doing.

and asked her to think about selling her house to me in the Spring. She is thinking about it. Of course booting the "boys" as she calls them out is a main concern for her.

Actually, I think she has been enabling them and booting them out might be doing them a favor.

that you would help find the boys other living situations. Then do the minimal necessary to make good on that. I'm not suggesting you give them money, just put them in contact with a realtor who specialises in rental properties, a shelter, or give them advance notice and a deadline to contact someone else to leach off of.

It will help your mom get out of the enabling business. It will help your piece of mind, and it will help the ungrateful, freeloading, alchies clean up their acts. It is very easy to fall into the trap your mom did. She needs your help to fall out of it.

because your mom doesn't deserve that kind of abuse. If they are that verbally abusive to your mom in front of you and Mary, how bad are they when you aren't around? If your mom became ill, would they be able and willing to take care of her? Do they feel entitled to your mom's house?

Have a long heart to heart with your brother in Florida, he probably can help you deal with the brothers, especially if you decide to buy your mom's house. They may feel cheated and act out. Your Florida brother can be supportive of you while you are supportive of your mom.

Hugs and best wishes to you and mom.

My friend bought his mom's house but she has usufruct. The free-loading brother is already back. You are not going to be able to keep brothers evicted from the family home unless you are able and willing to get the assist of your sheriff's department.

A house is a huge investment, and you'll likely be stuck supporting the brothers yourself if you mix into it. Me, having seen how it worked out with my friend, if I was in such a situation, I'm afraid I'd probably vanish to Belize and let Mom and free-loaders continue to hash it out. But I have too low of an income to get involved with other people's mistakes, even my own mother's.

Keep in mind the mother is getting something out of the current set-up -- as long as she has two boys at home, she is still useful and not "old" and "on the shelf."

At least that's the situation with my friend.

POWER OF ATTORNEY papers assuming she is still sharp enough to do that. If you attempt to do this purchase, and one of the brothers in the house has power of attorney, he can challenge it. I don't know what state you are in but have your mother consult a probate attorney and get some sound legal advice before making any moves. It isn't an area of law that I deal with so I am not up on all the various nuances and issues but the fees for such advice are not very steep and well worth it.

for wanting to take care of your mother...I hope all will work out for you and your family.

the situation is just too complicated.

On one hand you want to help your mom but she in a sense created the situaton she is in currently. Perhaps you should explore other options for your mom. What about a retirement community where your brothers could not follow? Granted that is a big step but if your brothers move on then you will be her primary caregiver and if she grows very ill then you may find yourself shouldering other burdens that may not be easy by yourself. Is your mom in good health currently?

Your brothers alcohol addiction sounds like it may be a contributing factor but unfortunately that is an entirely different problem altogether and you don't want the situation to get ugly for your mom or you.

Lastly if you do something like this I agree with another poster, you should have power of attorney.

Good luck, I know how complicated these family situations can be.

time for your brothers to go mess up their own nest

is to spend their last days in an abusive situation.

And for that matter, it's about time your brothers had a wake-up call. Could they continue to live there for a trial period, if they agree to go to AA and stick with it? Or maybe they're better off in a place of their own.

A friend of mine was involved with an in-home care company that specializes in non-medical needs for seniors, like laundry, grocery shopping, light housework, and companionship. Your mother might find this helpful, as well.

Power of Attorney sounds like a great idea to me, too.

Good luck to all of you! :hug:

demnan. Family stuff is tough. In fact, some of my friends are going through hell with an alcoholic sibling torturing all of them, including their 84 year old mother. They are all making the mistake of enabling her, and dealing with her demands. I tell them not to negotiate with a terrorist, but they ignore me.

I'd say that the alcoholic brothers need to leave home. Alcoholics are sick - and your mother should not be forced to be their caretaker, or listen to their abuse. They aren't going to get help unless forced - and maybe not even then. The fact that they can't see how pathetic it is to be living with mom at their age speaks volumes about their addiction.

I'd suggest talking to the "normal" brother, and coming up with a plan. I'd also suggest keeping it from the alcoholic brothers. If they think the gravy train is going to crash, they might really abuse your mom - to intimidate her into changing her mind. They might steal family heirlooms. Of course, they could do that now.

It's a sucky situation, demnan. I wish you the best, and offer my support any time you need it. :hug:

Mom and I are going to think this through and I will also call my brother in Florida to get his take on it. The fact that some here see the pitfalls that might occur tells me this is not a unique situation.

I'll let you all know how it pans out, and thanks again. :loveya: