Would the lounge be kind enough to look at my SO's college essay?

He's applying to UCONN, and I think he has a great shot.

This is his essay on how he is a unique individual and how it will better the UCONN community:

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.” – Henry David Thoreau


A couple years ago I realized something I should have known my whole life: I am different from everybody else. I can’t remember the precise moment I became enlightened, for once I was conscious of it, I felt like I had known it my entire life, which in retrospect, I’m sure I did to a degree. Now, however, it was out there in the open for everybody to see, including myself, and for once I was truly happy with who I was.


Growing up in a suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah, I was constantly pressured to accept the Mormon religion; it didn’t matter where I was – home, school, hanging out with friends – there was always the pressure to conform. For most of my adolescence I gave into this pressure. I convinced myself that I too believed what they believed, that I thought like they thought, and that I would act like they acted.


Just before I started high school, however, I started to have doubts about the LDS church. If there’s one thing I pride myself on, it’s that I always want to look at things objectively so I can learn the truth. So when I realized that African American Mormons had been refused the same rights as Caucasian Mormons until the 1970’s, I wanted to know why. What I discovered was that they had been refused the same rights as Caucasians due to the story of Adam and Eve’s son Cain. This didn’t make sense to me as the 2nd Article of Faith, written by the founder of the LDS church Joseph Smith, said, “We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression.” If the LDS church claims to be the only true church while also claiming men cannot be punished for what other’s have done, how could they punish African Americans for an act committed thousands of years before they were even born? Once I became aware of this, I started to notice other forms of bigotry such as homophobia and sexism.


When I first realized the hypocrisies of the LDS church I kept it to myself. I knew that my parents and some of my closest friends would be disappointed, and I didn’t want to cause any problems. By the time I was 17, however, it was well known by those close to me that I didn’t share the same beliefs as them. Thankfully, they handled it much better than I had thought they would; they were disappointed, but for the most part they respected my beliefs just as I respected theirs.


Last July, however, my life, especially my family life, was changed forever: I got a job offer in New York City. My family knew I would move to the east coast someday, but nobody, including me, had ever thought it would be so soon. My family pleaded, threatened, and bribed me with everything from a car to college tuition to keep me from moving. They told me of the challenges I would have living on my own without them nearby to help. I listened, weighed all the pros and cons of moving, and still decided I had to take this opportunity. Moving to New York had been my dream since I was a little kid, and I knew that if I didn’t take this opportunity I would regret it my entire life.


On July 17th I moved to New York. Only a couple months later I realized that no matter how much I thought I knew of all the difficulties on living on my own, I really didn’t have a clue: I lost my wallet and all identification, had money problems, homesickness, and few friends. For a while I thought of giving up and moving back to Utah, but I knew it was vital that I learn how to overcome these problems if I ever wanted to be successful and happy in life. It worked. I overcame my troubles and learned something immensely valuable in the process: never be afraid of failure if you can learn from it.


I know I’ll be a good addition to the community of the University of Connecticut because I think for myself, look at everything objectively, willingly admit my mistakes, am always respectful of others’ beliefs no matter how different from mine they may be, and am not afraid to take action no matter how difficult it is. I want to push myself to my full potential; I want to accumulate as much knowledge as I can, so not only will I be able to fulfill my goals in life, but so I can help others do so as well; I’m not afraid of failure because I learn from my mistakes and am better because of it; I’m not afraid of those different from me because you learn from those who don’t think like you. If I am admitted to the University of Connecticut, I believe my knowledge, unique life experiences, my passion to learn, and my respect of others around me will make me a valuable member of this community.

Is he looking for comments on content or an edit? And is there a length requirement?

This is the second edit, and there was a few final tweaks in the end.

No length requirement, but most college essays are <1000 words.

UCONN didn't have a length requirement.

MHO, for what it's worth...

I think he starts and ends well. I think the middle section could be condensed. From my perspective, the focus there should be on his move, and he could tighten everything up to that point.

HTH

:shrug:

Weird.

1) If he can edit out a couple "howevers"...I didn't count how many there were but noticed he used it several times.

2) I would suggest somehow incorporating a bit more about how he will use his education to be a contribution to others. Colleges do look at and consider that.

"A few months" would be best, but "a couple **of** months" would be OK.

Redstone

I didn't see that.

And he already sent it x(

First is the advice i give to everyone: get rid of all passive voice sentences. Take out every single one of those @(*&%^ things.

Also, get rid of the absolutisms in there: "I look at EVERYTHING objectively", "am ALWAYS respectful", etc.

The penultimate paragraph is pure gold - if I were a college admission persons, or an employer, and read that paragraph, the applicaiton would go to the top of the pile. That little bit right there shows everything. The only thing to change is to replace the "yous" with "ones"; the person reading this is't the one who needs to learn, it's the person who wrote it who did the learning (also do the same in the last paragraph).

And he could likely take out much of the LDS stuff abotu racism, since it really has no bearing on the true content of the essay. The second, third, and fourth paragraphs are boring, and seropusly, the only reason I kept reading is because I love editing, especially stuff like application essays from young people who want to make their lives better, especially DUers. If I were an admissions person reading thousands of these things, I'd probably have tossed the essay by the third paragraph, wondering "What does a critique of the LDS church's racism have to do fuckall with UCONN?" and toss it in the bin and say "I want students who don't have an agenda". Either eliminate it, or find a way to work in that makes it relevant.

And kill this: "If I am admitted to the University of Connecticut, I believe". Be active. Just say the truth - "My knowledge, unique life experiences, passion to learn, and respect of others around me will make me a valuable member of this community."

And add something about the will to succeed and excel - being a valuable member of the community is one thing, which is great; but they also want people who will bring honor to the school, do well, and not waste their professor's time.

Overall, esp. if we take out the second and third paragraphs, great stuff!

:yourock:

You should go into editing...You're amazing.

But I would tone down the references to the LSD church (lol).

Seriously, your son exhibits a clear, mature and relaxed writing style.

A few copy editing comments:

East Coast is U/C (upper case).

In reference to the following paragraph, I would suggest considering the following changes.

I want to push myself to my full potential accumulate as much knowledge as I can, fulfill my goals in life, but so I can help others do so as well I’m not afraid of failure because I learn from my mistakes and am better because of it I’m not afraid of those different from me because you learn from those who don’t think like you.

The only other critical comment I might add is that I didn't get what Cain's transgressions had to do with the supposed sins of African Americans thousands of years ago, but your son probably konws the Bible better than I do. Nevertheless, perhaps this connection should be better explained.

The last time I saw the Grateful Dead was in Salt Lake City. Talk about the LDS Church (lol).

Good luck to your son.

My son? :rofl:

Thanks though for the feedback-- I do like his voice, even if he isn't my son :evilgrin:

(Lol), I read it as a typo. Best one I ever heard was from a professor who told me she once received a resume from a candidate with experience in "pubic relations." Copy editor's Joke: "Is there a hyphen in anal-retentive?"

All the stuff about the LDS church? I get it, but a Mormon might find it offensive. I see your SO is saying their experience made them more critically thinking. (Just an idea to tone it down just a bit - what if one of the people making the decision is Mormon? They ain't all in Utah.)

Remove the absolutes. Not only are they unbelievable ("all" statements usually are) but they clash with the real thrust of this essay.

On the whole, even as is, this would be someone I'd want to interview and talk to. College entrance essays are a bitch to write - this is a good one. All about how your SO's life experiences influenced him to question himself (and the people around him) and become a better and more compassionate person are great.

It's a very good essay. 9 out of 10. Loss of one point for what I said above. But what it says is interesting and impressive and it sounds sincere and genuine. (Important qualities).

Let us know how this turns out, OK?

Khash.