Eye contact - Is it important?

Some say it's very important, but others don't do it. What do you all do? Is it constant contact or just sporadic?

in the western world, anyway.

Some cultures, it's rude to make eye contact depending on one's social status, gender, rank in the heirarchy, etc.

men DON'T like to engage in it with other men.

Women don't seem to have the same problem.

make eye contact...

I don't feel comfortable. I expect and want eye contact with people I talk to...

The same holds true about shaking hands...the firmer, the better!

:hug:

when meeting a friend of a friend or another DUer. It feels like such a warm gesture when someone gives me one of those. Sometimes, I like to have fun by asking someone to shake my hand, and I'll give them this REALLY LIMP handshake on purpose, and they're like, "OH, that was AWFUL!"

I think eye contact is important, too, unless it's an unblinking, snakey stare.



;-)

I'm going to start with a bear hug, then sling you over my (good) shoulder and march you around the room, and after a couple of twirls, deposit you on the couch and ply you with alcohol & snacks.

Same goes for you, CalPeg.

Don't say you haven't been warned.

Redstone

:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:

That sounds wonderful! I love being spun. I can't WAIT. :bounce:

Redstone

signal honor!

I do rather doubt that you will be able to throw me over even your good shoulder.....

I do weigh more than I should, after all!

I LOVE hugs! Especially from wowsa looking gentlemen like yourself... :blush:

I look forward to meeting you quite a lot!

I agree completely! However, when I meet you, I suspect that a hug will be the order of the day!

After all, it's not as though we're exactly strangers......

:loveya: :hug:

The bears...they respect a good stare-down.




THEN THEY EAT YOU.

Ok, I'll be the straight man...

I'm not capable of making meaningful eye contact with someone I'm conversing with. Doing so causes intense discomfort, and I have to consciously regulate it (it doesn't come naturally); I have Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of high-functioning autism. Interestingly enough, brain scans have shown that eye contact actually triggers threat signals in autistics.

Sometimes if I greet someone I look AWAY and don't even realize it. Then I think "why the hell didn't I just look them in the eye?"

I have to make a conscious effort to make eye contact, since it's very uncomfortable for me. I also have to remind myself not to look too long, or they'll get freaked out. So sometimes I close my eyes for a few seconds, a "long blink" that neither maintains or avoids eye contact.

Sometimes a good stare-down works, though, like once when I applied for a job. When the guy who was going to hire me kept looking away first, I suspected I'd get the job, and I did.

I'm trying to break that pattern but as another poster said, if it's too long I feel creepy. I have no idea how long is too long.

What?

;)

In some circles, eye contact is not considered polite.

Personally, I like it. It expresses interest, and draws people closer together.

Impressive.

:)

Edit: DON'T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME.

Got you fooled, too? :)

perhaps I was deaf in a past life?

(well, I have other reasons, but no sex threads) :-)

when I touch their eyeballs

of course, I don't always turn off the water in the public restroom using the paper towel to avoid the Floogeldy flu either, so I can see how touching their eyeballs might piss them off

especially when men do it. Much better than the ones who gaze at my chest instead.

I don't know why...I usually have to force myself to do it.

It's possibly a sign you feel submissive to the person you're conversing with. A lot of shy folks I know do better around kids or pets when it comes to eye contact, for example.

I don't feel submissive to most people, but I am almost always a bit uncomfortable with eye contact. The exception is *babies*--I can make eye contact with little babies without discomfort. I also find direct eye contact with certain animals uncomfortable--dogs and cats, in particular. Not so much with birds, maybe because a bird doesn't have both eyes on the front of its head.

Tucker

:hi: Anyone who says they know definitively what the reason for any human behavior is should be viewed with skepticism.

Maybe that's it, I know parrots are always looking everywhere, so they don't bother me much.

I have much less trouble with dogs or cats or babies than I do with other people because dogs and cats and babies don't talk. But if I make eye contact with people who are talking, my language skills fly right out the window.

When I was a kid I used to hit people who tried to make eye contact with me. I usually took it as a threat, which got me in a lot of trouble. I was maybe sixteen or seventeen before I figured it out, which was pretty fortunate, since I was still a minor.

Middle school was hell. I had one teacher who always wanted me to look him in the eye when he was lecturing me for some stupid-ass thing I'd done. Usually I'd throw things at him and run away. Then I'd get in trouble for ditching school, and I'd be afraid to go back. It escalated until one day he grabbed me by the arm, which must have alarmed him so much that I think he talked to someone about it. After that he'd still lecture me but he'd always let me look away and fidget as much as I needed too. He ended up teaching me quite a bit.

Trial and error has proved this to me.

Funny thing on a post above. A friend of mine works for a social service agency dealing with "at risk" Mexican children (he's also Mexican). Anyway, the way he was raised was if one was getting punished by an elder it was disrespectful to look at them - it showed defiance. When he went to high school he was told by the teacher that if he was getting punished he better look or the teacher said he was getting ignored. So he tells his kids the same thing. Small cultural difference, but interesting at least to me.

For example, some women have told me that trying to maintain eye contact with a man can cause problems. She's being attentive, he sees her as being sexually available. So to a certain extent, it varies by gender.

Personally, I prefer sporadic eye contact. Enough to show you're listening, interested, etc. But constant? I find that threatening, it feels intrusive. But then I also have issues about "personal space" so I can't speak for anyone else - that's just what I feel comfortable with.

Khash.

To some men, ANY form of attention means the woman is sexually available. To base a rule on those idiots is ridiculous. We're not talking about accepting a ride home from them or anything, just eye contact.

I know it's not your assertion personally and all, but I just wanted to comment.

A good way to fake eye contact, if you're uncomfortable actually looking at the other person's eyes, is look at the spot right between their eyebrows. It makes people think you're doing the Western-neurotypically-correct eye contact thing, without being uncomfortable. (I had a terrible time with eye contact until I learned this trick; I get nervous when people make eye contact with me.)

The second aspect is when to break eye contact. This is trickier because if you make "eye contact" for too long you can come across as either challenging someone or sexually interested in them. A good basic rule is, look at their eyes while they're talking, then look at something else while you're talking. If you want to make an important point, look at their eyes when you do it, but then look away to finish the sentence.

Now, if someone could only explain to me how to make small talk and how to tell when I'm supposed to say something on the phone...

Tucker

tain eye contact can be contrived and creepy. You just have to stay awake and in the moment.

in the eyes. I'more than half deaf and have to look at their lips to understand what they're saying.
So I guess eye contact is important...

------------------------------

Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

especially if, at the moment, you're the listener, not the speaker. But don't stare. Remember to blink your eyes. This type of stuff is discussed in books on body language, if you're interested.

I need to look into that.

lying or hiding something. Even if you are doing neither that is the impression I would get.

the other person looking away!

I think it's a matter of how long to maintain it. For many people it seems to be instinctive, look for a while, just enough to establish that you are interested in what is being said, then look away. Seems to be a pattern. I'm sure there's a boatload of research on this somewhere.

Otherwise, people get uncomfortable if the eye contact is held too long.

My SO has a habit of getting distracted when we're talking - he'll be listening but his focus gradually turns from me to look elsewhere and it's highly annoying. It makes me feel that he's not paying any attention to what I'm saying. Try talking to someone like that sometime - you'll see how important it is.

like a firm handshake for guys etc.

I'm not so great on it so I have to concentrate on doing it.

I have to consciously remind myself to look the other person in the eyes... I grew up painfully shy, and although I'm not nearly so shy now, the habit of looking away from people when talking to them is surprisingly hard to break. :D

and therefore rude. There have been a number of threads about this. (the Dineh get REALLY antsy if you stare at them. Remember that next time you're in Arizona. Don't jump out of your car and knock on anyone's door, either.)

So next time you see someone who doesn't look you in the eye, don't jump to conclusions.

Redstone

I know my Thai Dam friends believe that eye contact, at least too much of it, is disrespectful. This generally applies ony when speaking with your elders, or a married woman. Not sure if this is practiced in many other Asian cultures?

Also, my grandma used to tell us kids not to stare when we made eye contact...lol...no wonder we are so screwed. She is Cherokee, and has since changed her tune a little.

Only stare at one of their eyes in an on-off manner.
Don't remember where I read this advice, but it's made a world of difference for me.

for self and others.

I always look people in the eyes when I speak with them and especially when I am listening to them.

I also like to make a point of using their name when I'm in conversation with them, donheld. ;)

Works for me! :thumbsup:

(see my post above). I also never use people's names when talking to them.

You'll hate me, I know it. Now I'm sad.

Redstone

and I completely respect where you are coming from. It's all good, not to worry.

...just because people are different from me or have different pespectives doesn't mean I can't respect them or be their friend. I say: "Vive la difference!!" It's what makes the world go 'round..... that, and LOVE, of course.

:loveya:

"Typicals", or neurotypicals, are people who don't have autism.

http://isnt.autistics.org

What Is NT?
Neurotypical syndrome is a neurobiological disorder characterized by preoccupation with social concerns, delusions of superiority, and obsession with conformity.

Neurotypical individuals often assume that their experience of the world is either the only one, or the only correct one. NTs find it difficult to be alone. NTs are often intolerant of seemingly minor differences in others. When in groups NTs are socially and behaviorally rigid, and frequently insist upon the performance of dysfunctional, destructive, and even impossible rituals as a way of maintaining group identity. NTs find it difficult to communicate directly, and have a much higher incidence of lying as compared to persons on the autistic spectrum.

NT is believed to be genetic in origin. Autopsies have shown the brain of the neurotypical is typically smaller than that of an autistic individual and may have overdeveloped areas related to social behavior.

If I made eye contact with them, how would they know to move to the other side of the bus, pretend they're married or something when I flirt with them, or not give me a decent job? Why, they'd have to treat me like I was human! :sarcasm:

P.S. The guy who interviewed me for my present job is blind! I knew I had it as soon as he walked in...

edit: header

Just keep that in mind. :)

On meeting someone I will, but other than that, I tend to reserve eye contact for people I care deeply about, because it's a very intimate thing.