Ho, boy... my oldest and closest (neo-con) friend is getting a divorce.

I just got off the phone with him. We have been friends since fourth grade, and he was even in my regiment for a time. We're like brothers.

Three kids, 13 years of marriage, pretty much up in smoke.

She wasn't happy, she said she wanted a trial separation, and that there was "someone else", a co-worker. When he admitted that, he, too, had been unfaithful, she recanted her story and said it was just to get him to admit the infidelity she already suspected. Very messy situation.

Big fight (no violence, he says), but a very angry, drunken, regretable phonecall to her workplace, threatening the "other man" (whether there was any infidelity or not seems, to me, to be unimportant at this point).

He's living at his mom's place at the moment, and he's feeling everything I was feeling about two years ago, when my ex left me.

I just got off the phone with him, and it was the first time we've really talked in a few years...

I'm trying to be supportive, but he can be such a RW asshole sometimes. We actually have a mutually agreed-upon moritorium on talking politics, in order to preserve our friendship.

He's drinking alot. Too much, I think. And he's not seeing a therapist. I suggest he talk to a pro, and to knock off the booze for a while.

His dad is a lawyer, so he has that in his corner, but I just don't think he has the tempramant to deal with this in a civil manner... I cautioned him to be on his best behaviour because his wife's lawyer will be looking for any bad behaviour to argue for custody/visitation.

I really hope he can pull himself together.

It's funny, because his family was so "together" when we were growing-up. I was envious of them. Parents were together, and the family were fairly progressive Reform Mennonites. They had all the trappings of upper-middle-class wealth, annual family vacations, lots of common interests, etc. But the day after the youngest child left home, the parents filed for divorce after 29 years of marriage. The wife had had a long-term boyfriend (had been an affair during the marriage), who she later married. He took her for all her money and left her. Turns out he was also married to a woman in Ohio! The husband fell into a deep depression after the divorce, but seeled to rebound fairly well, and is now in a good space (despite some incredibly poor companion choices early in his singledom). Older brother is still married, and is a Methodist Minister who is a really nice guy, but can be counted upon to occasionally put his arm around you and say "have you ever thought about God's plan for you?". His wife is a grade-a fundie nutjob. The youngest sister followed the Dead around for a while, and has been married twice (secretly) she's now living as a ski bum in Banff Alberta, and is an ambitionless single mom perpetually on Welfare.

What the hell happens to people? I'm depressed. Everybody sucks.

I'm also rambling.

Three kids. Well, at least there's no "let's stay together for the kids" going on. I've got friends whose parents did that and whose parents didn't, and the friends whose parents did had a harder time dealing with learning that the whole time they were growing up, their parents weren't really in love anymore.

The "I said it to see if you cheated" thing is sneaky. The sort of thing that her lawyer is going to use to great effect, I imagine.

To me that screams, "unhealthy," actually. Poor kids.

Support your friend, even if his politics are fucked up.

That's exactly where I am with my worldview today. The nice thing about my life, though, is, well, everyone is too reserved to reveal the suckitude. You have to get some things.

With the caveat that I don't have an M.D. or anything like that, it's great that you've chosen to support your friend, even though you recognize his unpleasant qualities. I say it's great because--from what I read in your post, not too many other people are going to be supportive. His risk factors for both depression, (probably already there) violent, destructive or self-destructive behavior and even suicide are high (I think you should suggest that he try to get therapy again, maybe stop the self-medicating and get actual medication). Considering that the dissolution of his marriage involves the futures of three children and will soon involve a lot of agreements that once they're done may be very difficult to get undone, I think it's important that he be encouraged to face this reality with the clearest mind possible. Letting go is tough, especially for a person who isn't used to having to do that, and even if he wasn't so much let go as kicked out, he needs to attempt to speed the "anger-through-acceptance" journey along as soon as possible. Perhaps with your assistance, that will be achievable for him. Good luck.

Sorry for being mean, but if he was cheating, he got what he deserved, and from his behavior after the revalations, he doesn't sound like a very pleasant spouse.

Hopefully, the drinking won't last long. Everyone goes a little crazy after divorces.

I hate...no, loathe cheaters. I'm holding back on my judgement of his actions. Ultimately, I wasn't there, and I know there are two sides to everything. Maybe she was cheating, too (not that that would justify his behaviour). But, as I said, I wasn't there, so I'm keeping my yap shut about the "Why", and encouriging him to not play the blame game and keeping focused on the future.

As far as I'm concerned (and in the eyes of the Courts in Ontario, where he lives), infidelity isn't relevent in a divorce case. I'm just focusing on getting him through this first couple of months, and to give him advice, re finances, seeing a lawyer, etc.

…around half of all married men cheat at least once. The interesting part of that statistic is that the percentage of married women who cheat is about the same.

There's something suspicious about the fact that the two statistics are so close to each other and near a nice, neat number like 50%. It makes me wonder if there isn't something biological at work there. As I get older, I have certainly been surprised about which of my friends have and haven't been faithful in their marriages.

Biology or not, there's still a point where a choice is being made. If you really want that other person so desperately, the least you can do is have the decency to end your marriage before starting that other relationship. A promise is a promise, after all.

Otherwise, they might really be messed up.

Why should gays and lesbians be exempt from misery and litigation?

:rofl:

Again, Rex, I just get to laughing....

;)

It's good you're there for him. I'd keep an eye on the drinking :hug: You're a good guy

He is lucky to have you to talk to.

Good luck to him tho....

I think of neo-cons as being very emotionally immature. They tend to be totally lacking in the empathy department. Let's hope he uses these tough times to grow up. Be a friend and be there for emotional support. Don't be afraid to tell him that he needs to make some changes or else he will simply repeat the past.

I suggest that you two share expenses for a while and go on nightly cougar hunts.

...as you wish.

Bring some tribal drums too just for effect.

Seriously though, that's a really tough situation. I have precious little knowledge in this department. Just be a good friend. Be a great friend. He'll appreciate the support.

My parents saw alot of the same. People they new, in seemingly healthy and stable marriages, dash for the divorce lawyer's office once the last of the kids are out of the house. My guess is that they had an old fashioned view on things, stay together for the kids sake.

It seems as if this happened to a few families I news once I was in that post-graduate age. Still sad though.