So, what are the pros and cons

to straight marriage? I've had no response to this in the Meeting Room. It is a serious question that I hope DU'ers give some thought and answers to.

pros: companionship and stability (socially), added financial security - two working together to achieve mutual goals can succeed faster and work more efficiently. Plus there is the intimacy issue - sharing experiences and maintaining a loyal and exclusive relationship can deepen understanding of a mate - thus intimacy. Also, the sense of acceptance and almost unconditional support - especially during stressful times is a major asset.

cons: it is possible to lose sight of individuality and individual goals when one too closely identifies oneself with a relationship. All relationships go thru rocky times, even the best of pals fight or quarrel on occasion. And there is that whole "familiarity breeds contempt" phenomenon to keep at bay.

I think one pro is that a heterosexual couple would have an easier time to pro-create.

I don't know any cons.

Having the support of a spouse/partner is one of the best parts of being married. I've struggled with mental illness for several years now (I'm getting better), but I doubt I would have experienced as much of a recovery as I have without the support of my wife.

Wouldn't have made it without my better half. 15 years of us against the world. Wouldn't trade that for anything.

Hetro or not, we live happier, longer lives with a stable life partner.

Harrad.

Are there benefits to marrying one's stable life partner?

.

But everybody's different. Pros have been given. Con to me is the lack of privacy.

I used to need my "space", it doesn't seem so important now.

Is lack of privacy different, in marriage, from that in a committed informally partnered cohabitation?

My wife & I were in a committed informally partnered cohabitation for only a year before we got married. I can't say that the simple act of marriage changed much. Simply a re-affirmation of what we already knew in our hearts.

Well to answer briefly, the pros of straight marriage is that you and your partner are socially, religiously, and legally recoginized by those around you as one person.

I read an interesting article in today's editorial section of the local paper that quoted homosexual author Michael Warner:

"As long as people marry, the state will contiue to regulate the sexual lives of those who do not marry. Ir will continue to refuse to recognize our intimate relations. . .as having the same rights or validity as a married couple."

So the con of marriage is that you put yourself in a group that excludes others and allows the state to pass laws against those "others" by passing laws specifically for you. Your marriage vows imply that you agree to join that majority and exclude the minority--those who won't (or can't) fit in for whatever reason. You can't escape the group even though you may want to be fair and inclusive.

Warner's assertion is that marriage is an act of trying to fit into the crowd and he feels that homosexuals fighting for gay marriage embrace the notion that if homosexuals acted normal they would get further in this world.

Warner rejects this idea stating "the utopian notion that somewhere, one might not be defind by one's sexuality. . .exists nowhere in this culture's near future. . .It is hard to claim that homosexuality is irrelevant as long as you feel the need to make the claim."

I don't quite buy this belief--I don't want gay marriage so that I can be normal, I want gay marriage so I can have the same rights as others; but then, that is trying to be normal because I want to be like my heterosexual friends and have my partner and me recognized socially, religiously, and legally as one person.

is to gain the rights that come with it?

two people can grow to levels of trust, love and emotional intimacy that are neither easily described in human language nor easily available. Those two people can encourage and support one anothers goals, growth and emotional evolution.

In the worst examples, two people can control, manipulate, stifle and stunt one another.

I realise it fairly vague as a list of pros and cons goes, but I do think much of the pros and cons will always depend a great deal on the individuals who are marrying.

For what it's worth, I don't see the my views as being significantly different for gay or lesbian couples.

affect these things for a committed couple?

as I'm not personally in favour of marriage. I like the committed couple aspect of things and don't perceive much difference.

I will say this: marriage provides a smattering of societal benefits, including tax status, the ability to make legal and medical decisions for one another in times of crisis and a wealth of support and legitimisation of the union from otherwise complete strangers.

But quite honestly, a good lawyer, a competent accountant and a support network of caring friends and family can pretty much take care of the benefits of those aspects of a couple's public life as well.

I used to be indifferent to it, until I became aware of the benefits aspect, i.e., health, pension, social security, and the right to make decisions. I like the idea of trusting family, but how does one truly know what will happen. I like the idea of publicly acknowledging the relationship and commitment, but then divorce happens.

I guess I just want to be loved and wanted. And I wouldn't mind an illusion of security.

though not in a permanent way.

It's difficult, but true that divorce happens and an amazing number of close families turn petty, vindictive and self-absorbed after a death or in times of crisis. We all like to believe our loved ones wouldn't behave that way, but I see petty more often than noble even in the closest of families.

The aspects of social security, right-of-survivorship in accounts and privately held pensions, etc., can be a tremendous benefit, especially in a couple growing old together.

I'm reminded of a particularly touching ceremony for the blessing of union between two gay men of my acquaintance. The question was asked 'why marry?' The answer revealed that they'd hope one day for social benefit, but had no illusions that it might happen in their lifetimes, -but loving union is difficult in the best of circumstance. A declaration of marriage gives a wealth of community support and encouragement to continue to love one another, to hold the union sacred and build a communion of intimacy and trust when it might be easier to let it go and run like the dickens. At that point the couple asked god's help in keeping their vows even when it was difficult, then turned to the friends and family gathered. The priest (yes, a real Catholic priest) asked those gathered to offer their support and help in building a lifelong love as well.

We offered that help in the most resounding cheer.

I think it true that when folks hear that a couple is married, it changes what they expect of them, both as couples and as individuals.

Oh, and the wonderful joy of being constantly supportive to another person. It can be fullfilling at times. :eyes:

In order to laugh :D instead of cry :cry:
Nothing much than my own personal defensive mechanisms taking over and trying to find humor where there is little.

This is useful for a variety of reasons. You can be with your spouse, in the emergency room, for example where friends or lovers might be banned. Your boss may be more understanding of you turning down a transfer because your spouse cannot relocate rather your friend or lover. Although some persistent people will try to seduce a married person, most people see married people as more off limits than someone who just has a boy friend or girl friend. Ideally, a couple's family and friends would be supportive of their relationships. Sometimes, however,the may have problems with their family member or friends and not want them to be together. When the couple gets married, they may be less persistent in trying to break them up and may even except the person as their loved ones partner. It may also help the committed couple stay committed if they have made public vows. The main purpose of marriage is public acknowledgment of one's reltionship with the person one is sharing ones life with.

survivor's benefits, health insurance, and power of attorney. All these things are assumed for spouses. Whether that's a pro or a con depends on your mindset.

All the rest of it is just societal conformance.

enter into a long-term relationship with someone with no legal protection for shared assets and the like.

Yet, that is what we ask of same-sex couples?

Our society is fucked.

... there are not so many advantages. It's more of a safety net for your offspring. As my wife is not from the European Union, and I am, there are definite advantages for me in terms of ease of travel, immigration restrictions, etc.

Your thoughtful responses have been helpful for me in my effort to clarify my thoughts on marriage.