Some New Steven Wright

(at least I hadn't heard these before...) ???

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Roman Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height .. which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?



(LOVE THIS GUY!!!) :)

:hi: