Divorce: Today is my last day in my House.

As some of you know, MrsRetro and are divorcing after 9 years of marriage. She has come out as being gay, so there's nothing else to do.

And I move out today. This is the last day of living in my beautiful house so I took the day off. I pick up the keys to my new lower flat apartment and start moving my stuff over today. I will be sleeping there from now on, but still popping home in the a.m. to get the kids ready for school and post the Poem Threads I hope, and will be here to watch the kids when needed. Soon I will buy a laptop and be on-line at my new place.

This is just so sad for everyone involved. But it is the only thing that could have happenned. I waver between anger, grief, sadness, acceptance, pain, support, and every other emotion imaginable in between. I have never loved anyone like I do my wife, and now that love will evolve into something else, friendship. I did my best to be the best husband I could be, and now I will do the same and be the best ex-husband I can be.

The kids are a mess, are having problems at school, and cry a lot about it, and have begun sleeping in the same room and are pulling together and playing together much more. My daughter (5yrs old) was crying the other night because she said if I leave, mommy will never have another baby and she wants a baby sister or brother. My son (7yrs old) asked when we would re-marry. :cry:

MrsRetro is having a much harder time than I. Watching me pack and helping me move stuff really got to her I think. We sat up until 3am this morning crying and saying our goodbyes, and just trying to be there for each other...

So please send your healing thoughts and prayer our way. We will get thru this and one day be okay, that I am sure of, it will just be different. DU has been a god-send to me, and the friends I have made here have really helped me get thru this, and many of you will never know how much you helped, even if it was just to get my mind on something silly and lounge-like for a few minutes.

Thank you,

RL



I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Pablo Neruda

:hug:

accept. I've been through two divorces and they are not easy (and I didn't have the complication of homosexuality involved, just married guys who ultimated wanted to be free to go with other women). That's tough enough.

Try to stay strong. Take time to heal. Perhaps your children will understand someday. Stay close to them. They do not belong to either you or your wife. Tell them the truth, but don't say nasty things -- hard to avoid, I know.

There are a couple of books by writers on this subject. Right now, I can't remember them, but will look for titles. Your story reminds me of the 2005 movie "The Squid and the Whale" but I do NOT suggest you see it now.

Take care and big hugs from the Grandmother in me (I'm 66 years old; you could probably be my son.)

In peace,

Radio_Lady

and you look too young to be a grandma!

I ahve already seen "The Squid and the Whale", and ironically, I went with a friend who has 2 kids also and is going thru a divorce. Intense time...

:hi:

:hug:

RL

:hug:

My heart goes out to all of you. :hug:

:hug:

"We will get thru this and one day be okay, that I am sure of, it will just be different."

You both seem to be doing things exactly the right way to ensure this outcome. (That's how it's been for Hedges and me.)

Best of luck to you both.

I've been through divorce, and I know how hard it is. It must be doubly hard with children. :hug: :hug:

:cry: :hug:

Prayers for healing for you and your family. :hug:

together even though there is clearly so much love. You are an amazing person RL. I know this will get easier for you. Until then...

xoxo

Come on down and we can build a campfire and just bull. You can talk about what ever you feel like.

Walk tall. :hug:

Life stinks sometimes. But how wonderful that you are there for your family whenever they need you.

To everyone involved. May all of you start on a road to healing. :hug:

Sorry for what you're going through, RL. :(

I am so sorry to hear this! Things WILL get better, I KNOW they will! You have a wonderful heart and a wonderful spirit, it will all come full circle, I PROMISE you that! :hugs:

I've always admired your relationship with your wife...your posts exuded your love for her. I am sorry that your family, children especially, are going through this, and I wish healing for each of your.

Kudos to you for handling this in such a classy way: for remaining a supportive friend to your wife even after your heart has been broken.

:hug: You are an awesome person.

Unfortunately I know of what you speak all too well. It's tough to leave a home you've built with somebody, especially when you assumed that it would be the last place you'd ever live, with the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with.

I know you'll come through this much stronger and will thrive at the end of it all. Peace be with you.

my thoughts and in my prayers.

your family. You all have my best wishes RL. I wish there was a way to whisk away all the pain. :hug:

:hug:

The kids will be okay. You've got my prayers.

This post brought tears to my eyes.

I think about you a lot and what you and your family are going through. You have a truly noble and loving heart. The love you feel for your wife and children comes through in all your posts.

I can feel your hurt and grief in your words.

I've been praying for you and your family ever since you told us about what was going on and I will continue to do so.

I wish all of you the very best.

Khash.

(And remember - when it gets rough, you have friends and a place to come to.)

From my home to yours, :grouphug:

except to wish the best for both of you, and especially the children, for all the days ahead. Life doesn't always turn out as we thought it would.

:hug:

'Tis tough, but I know you can make it. Take days off from the poem thread if you need to. We'll survive. :)

Much love,

WIMR

:hug::hug:

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

RL's wife has realized that she is gay and is involved with a woman. Their marriage is over but they have vowed to remain friends. I'm not sure, but it seems like you're implying that he is being inconsiderate by moving out...when in fact he is being incredibly kind and accommodating to the woman who has broken his heart.

What violence?

I see no violence.

Scarred?
Imprinted?

Tom Cruise, is that you?

And wouldn't it be more punishment for him (AND his family) for them to go on living a lie? Why would anybody want to stay with somebody who does not love them anymore, and will probably NEVER love them in that way again?

Do you want to know a REALLY good way to "scar and imprint" the kids? Stay together in a farcical masquerade of marriage. Spend each day living a fantastic lie "for the children", just so they can have a "normal" family life. The kids will learn that keeping up appearances of normality are much more important than being honest with each other and themselves.

Cut RL a break. The guy has been betrayed by the person he thought he'd spend the rest of his life with, and the mother of his two children. No amount of counselling will make his wife go back in the closet, nor will carrying on as a normal family make his life any better.

WTF?

What violence?????????

Sure this is a really difficult time for RL, his wife, and their kids. But do you expect Mr. and Mrs RL to live a lie? You think that's the best option? You have any idea how quickly that situation would become the definition of disfunctional?

She has discovered/admitted she's a Lesbian. Fine. Tough times for everybody. But they all love each other and will eventually get through it. Should she stay married to him and not try to find a relationship with a woman that would fulfill her? Should he stay married to a woman who can't give him the love he deserves?

The admirable thing about these two is that they do love each other and they love their children. And while this is extremely difficult and heartbreaking, they are both dedicated to trying to do the best they can for their kids.

So, as a therapist, I would say they are doing the right thing. Does it break my heart? Yes. And I especially feel for the children. But it would be much worse to teach their children that living a lie is the right thing to do. Instead, these children will have parents who are honest, truthful and worth emulating. I have no doubt that RL and Mrs RL have no intention of breaking up this family - in fact RL has repeatedly said that although his wife and he have to go seperate ways now, they both intend to try to keep their family intact.

Khash.

...truly, my best wishes for you.

:hug:

May you come through this difficult time with a deeper awareness of your own inner strength and wisdom.

I send you and yours all my best wishes for Healing and Comfort.

:hug: :loveya:

Things will change drastically whether you want them to or not, and I sense in your actions a denial of what is coming. I wish you all the hope and happiness in the world, but you're a cool sensitive guy with a lot to give, and one thing that you can't control in a divorce is:
EVERYTHING
So, don't despair when things get wack, because that's a part of the process.
Everyone goes into the process thinking they have a handle on it, because they just don't know what awaits- no one does. It's different for everyone. So good luck and full speed ahead.

I send my love, prayers, and good thoughts to all of you during this most difficult of times, and wish all of you the healing that can come with time.

I'm so glad you will be seeing your kids every morning, as well as at other times. I know they are hurtnig and confused right now, but if you and Mrs. RL shower them with love (and I know you do and will), I believe they will come out of this okay. I say that because my daughter was only 2 when her dad and I divorced. It was rough on her at first. But she has come out okay; she's 26 now, and a very well-adjusted young woman.

Again, love, prayers, and good thoughts to all of you. :grouphug:

How sad for all of you, especially the children since they don't understand why. Here's a hug and a prayer.

You know how to find me. Call, if needed.

:hug::loveya:

:hug:

I'm so sorry that you all have to endure this. I'm in tears thinking of what you must be suffering. At the same time, I believe with all my heart that you can pull through the pain and find yourselves happier, more tolerant, and more resilient as a result of what must seem like hell.

RetroLounge, I love and respect you and all your family. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I admire you greatly for how you are handling all this. Your kids have a great dad. :hug:

Walk in Light my friend.

:hug:

My analogous last day was much more unpleasant on the face of it, but the hurt, well, that goes deep down. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but if there's a bright side, it's that every day is soon going to be brighter for you. While I'm sure you know that life goes on, I'm here to tell you that it really does.

Look forward, as soon as you're able, to your next joy.

but you'll come out the other side of the tunnel stronger and smarter.

:thumbsup:

Here's to better days. :hug:

A situation like this is always nightmarish. I'm so glad you're holding up and moving forward. Its the only thing you can do for your children, and it sounds like you're being the best dad imaginable.

I'm proud of you and I hurt for you at the same time. I wish you only the best.

:hug: safe passage.

:hug: Sounds like you're being grown ups about everything and taking care of your kids first. I hope it gets better.
Duckie

:hug:

Oh, Retro. This is not going to be easy and you know that. But I think as the time goes by, it will be the best thing for everyone involved.

Mrs.Retro needs to take the time to figure out what she wants in life and to be quite frank, no matter how hard you tried or the kids tried, no one can make her happy except herself.

This is not your fault or the kids fault, it's just the way it is.
The kids will still have their mommy and daddy and I'm sure the two of you will do the best job you can as parents.

Change is always difficult but you seem like a strong individual and you will get through this and past this.

This is a second chance for you as well to build your life again. You go only go forward. Take the time as well to think about where you want to go. You know you have my support, love and best wishes.
Best of luck to you on this new phase of your life. I have a feeling you're going to do just fine.
:hug:

Your post is so beautifully put that it moves me enormously.

This is a most difficult time for all of you, and they are extremely lucky that you will remain in their lives forever......

May your road soon be level and tranquil....

My prayers go out to all of you......

Remember, it is better to love and have lost than to never have loved at all.....

:hug:

and I know you will be very, very strong.

Life is, at time, pathos.

:hug:

I wish you all well. :grouphug:

Be well, and talk to us about it when you need to.

I very much admire your grace and love, and applaud your decision to remain decent.

Not everyone who divorces does so with such care.

The very best to you and your family.

I think of you. A terrible situation RL. Please know there are a lot of people who are thinking of you.

:cry: :hug:

At least you are still friends. This will make it much easier on the kids. You are a great guy and she knows that. I wish you all the best.

She was the one who initiated the breakup, after all. Doesn't seem fair.

But let me tell you one thing: I felt the same, one time fifteen years ago.

But now I'm glad it happened.

It gets better. Trust me on this.

Redstone

and rent a lower in a duplex. When the house sells, she will rent the upper of the duplex.

The kids will still have both parents in the same house, just on separate floors.

RL

to the duplex? Furthermore, do you intend to find other heterosexual companionship?

Frankly, I don't know if this is a good idea. Yes, it keeps you all "in touch" with each other, but what about the jealousies that will inevitably happen?

My son and his ex-wife managed to live in the same town, with their son shifting around three days a week with one parent and four with the other.

It was only marginally successful, in my opinion. Both were dating and they were able to have some privacy.

The double duplex situation just feels unworkable. But certainly you can try it out -- it could be the right solution for you two.

In peace,

Radio_Lady

We've set up ground rules and boundries about the dating issue, and since we get along just fine now, we think it's worth a try.

RL

:hug:

I hate it when the right thing to do is so painful. :cry:

Rest assured that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers and will remain so :hug: :hug:

And feel free to confide in us -we're all here for you:hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya:

And you will someday get all the love you deserve.

Light and healing to all of you-

:hug:

It is hard to imagine some days that you can feel so much emotional pain and still put one foot in front of the other. Or that you will ever be ok again. But you will! Your kids will feel better when they see that you and your wife are OK. And that their lives aren't going to be turned totally upside down.
Again, I am so very sorry! :hug:

I'm thinking about you while you take this heartbreaking and necessary step. I'm sad for you and your family because of the grieving you must do. I don't really know what to say because it's your path to walk except that I and so many others are willing to go a ways with you on it. Take care and talk to us often. :hug:

that a great many people here care for, respect, and admire you.

I would tell you that I wish you courage, strength, and love - but you already appear to possess all of these traits. So I wish you an abundance of the three; and remember, this too shall pass.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Life will be good, whether you now know it or not. The future lies ahead, and it is good. All of my best to your children, you and your lesbian wife.

Meaning comes with time. Now is the time. You are one of the lucky ones. You are blessed. All is well.

:)

You have your children's best interests at heart, and that is admirable.

:hug:

man, I am sincerely sorry

You will prevail. :hug:

:hug: You're a good and kind man, and you'll be fine. Take some time for yourself, and you know where to find us if you need us. :) :pals:

I have no experience from which to speak, but I know that you are doing the right thing. Time will make it better for each of you. :hug:

it takes along time but trust me things do get better

May you all expand the love in your lives and transform it to something new.

For you, personally, I hope that you find a partner who is able to be deeply authentic and return all that you have to offer.

I'm sad for you, but very, very hopeful for your future hapiness.

You and yours are in my prayers. :grouphug: :hug:

I've seen this happen to families with kids, and reading your story brings a melancholy but also hope you can carve out a new beginning in this transition. That you all come out of this adversity stronger; you and your family will be whole in spirite again.

:hug:

if you are like I was...and really had no real friends(because of the house/kids/family life thing)..look around.I am involved in 2 democratic groups here,and it has been my sanity.Be gentle with yourself.It will get better.

:hug:

RL

Words are not sufficient to describe these sorts of situations.

:hug:

And so will she, as will the kids. It sounds like you all have a rich future in front of you. That being said the hurt has got to be simply overwhelming.
For what it's worth my thoughts are with you Retro.
Jeff

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I have no pearls of wisdom, except this: have faith that the positive things you love about each other will be what your whole family needs in order to get through this well.

:hug:

Best wishes and thoughts from this part of the world.

you are in my thoughts.

take it easy -- and slow.

peace.

my deepest condolences to you, and a promise that you will begin to feel better eventually - trust me on this one! The love you feel for your kids as well as your ex comes through loudly and clearly, and despite their age and the confusion they obviously feel, they do realize how much you love them...

It brought back many memories. I went through my "divorce" 10 years ago. Unlike yours mine was less then friendly. We were both hideously pissed at each other. Since we were a gay couple (together 12 years) we had to divide everything up piece by piece without the help of a mediator. :scared: We had a huge old prairie home that we had restored and I loved it. I never drove up to my home without thinking how much I loved living there. Giving it up was a nightmare I never wish to have again. A couple of memories....


I told my ex the morning that my movers were scheduled to come that they were coming. As pissed as we were with each other I'll never forget the look on his face. That afternoon I packed up the car complete with the dog and cat I was taking and said goodbye. As I drove away it was simply overwhelming. Such a huge part of our lives was passing away.

The day we closed on the sale of our house I went to pick up a few last things. I remember standing in the living room with the memories of so many happy times saying goodbye. Looking around in that beautiful room that last time was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was terrified.

10 years later....my ex is moving into a new place and unloading a bunch of stuff. I bought a few things that I missed from him and his partner. This morning they brought everything over and we stood (he,his partner, my partner and I) and chatted and laughed for a long time. Given the amount of hate and anger we had to wards each other ten years ago it was an amazing moment.

I understand our situations are very different. We had no children to connect us when we split. We took the time to heal and didn't have to interact. I think however the huge changes we all go through in life are difficult.

I'm not a very eloquent writer but I wanted to share how I felt way back then and how things now are so vastly different. Life is good and rich. And I (and my ex) are better for going through all of it.

I am so very proud of you for the way you are handling this--I can't imagine how hard it must be, but the fact that you are willing and able to maitain your friendship with your wife after all of this is wonderful and a testament to how much you care about her.

Good luck to both of you and to your children--they will be alright eventually--everyone has to heal from the initial pain of this, but you will all be happier in the long run having been open and honest and supportive of one another.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It seems like you guys have a great attitude about it and will make it work for the sake of your kids but it's never good to hear about a marriage ending especially when the two people care for one another but just can't make it work because of irreconcilable problems. That really sucks dude and I hope you feel a little more at peace when you are in your new place. Maybe with a fresh start the memories won't be so painful like they must be in that house. Good luck to you.

Being new to DU, I am struck by the open care and concern. Retro I am sorry for what you have to walk through, and I look forward to watching you walk through growth. Selfishly this thread is good for me. As a person looking for a feeling of home I am amazed at how much love there is in this house and how much I want to be a part of it. My ex, after our brake up, brought me into DU and our relationship is stronger because of it. If you need to cry to someone drunk at 3am send, me an email I'll give you my phone number and you can call me anytime. Love to your children. :( :toast: :hi:

I hope everything will turn out well for all of you in time.

like it. :hi: :loveya: :hug: :pals: :hug: :grouphug: :hug:

:hug:

It sounds like the two of you are actually making the best of the situation.

:hug:

Hope the hurt goes away soon.

:hug:

Do something special for yourself. Pamper yourself somehow. You deserve joy!

:hug:

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Last Fall, my ex and I divorced after 30 years together.

It was amicable, but no holding each other until 3 AM or anything remotely like that. More like phone messages agreeing not to get lawyers invovled int he divorce.

may God be with all of you.

and welcome to DU!

:hi:

RL

Welcome to DU! :hi:

I wish you both the best.