My girlfriend called me. Her daughter is working at a "peep show".

And this place is probably the sleaziest joint in San Diego. "Jolar", on University Ave. San Diego DUers might know of this place. Glass booths with bill slots and rolls of paper towels in the booths.

Here's the dilemna, she wants me to go their and pass her a note telling her that she is out of her life.

This girl goes to college and is for the most part a nice kid. But she's a "hottie", and found a way to make some easy money.

Her Mom is very upset. The girl has been lying to her for some time now. Supposedly she was working as a waitress at a Steakhouse.

Now my girlfriend is freaking out. She suspected that she had been doing something "less than honorable", but took her daughters word for things. The shit has hit he fan and she, the Mom, wants me to get involved.

If she was working at one of the better places, that wouldnt be so bad. But this place is the pits.

What do you think? Should I say no and kill my relationship? Or do the nasty deed?

can check the place out. I told her that its not a pretty site in there.
Of all places....
I fucking hate drama!

If the answer is "yes," then ask yourself why she is involving you in her drama. If she simply did not want to go to this place alone for safety reasons that would be one thing. However; she has already indicated that she is willing to drag you into her relationship with her daughter by requesting that you pass the note.

You should also know that if you help your girlfriend cut off her daughter that the daughter might blame you. She might think that you encouraged her mother to cut her off. If your girlfriend decides to forgive her daughter, then you might end up dealing with a hostile young woman who is convinced that you tried to sabotage her relationship with her mother.

hang tight... peace and low stress... :)

Really sounds like a bad idea to be involved in this scene.

If the woman really cares about her daughter, she will handle this like an adult.

and counter-productive.

If she kicks her daughter out of her life over this, then how long do you have?

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's the way I see it.

dramatic action as to cut her dughter out of her life, she needs to have the balls to go do it, herself. Imo, anyway.

Because it isn't. It's her mom's. If this is truly the course she wants to take, she should find some other means of communication - either send a letter in care of the college if she doesn't have an address or go to the place herself.

It's not fair of her to ask you to do this and if it kills the relationship to refuse, I'm afraid it may not be a relationship worth hanging on to.

life for good for something she did as a college kid? She could be selling her body for sex on the streets, cooking up meth etc... While I would be dismayed, and perhaps even heartbroken I couldn't just write off an adult child for a stupid decision. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this...but I do think your girlfriend should be the one to tell her. :hug:

Tell your girlfriend that you won't intrude in the relationship between her and her daughter. Tell her that chances are that one day she and her daughter will repair their relationship, and you don't want to be a factor in such a future reconciliation, should the daughter not be able to get past you bringing the note to her place of work, and possibly seeing her nude.

This is one triangle in which you do not want to be a part. Back out nicely. Listen to Mom. Offer her sympathy. But let Mom handle the problems with Daughter, especially when her request requires YOU to confront Daughter--which is what Mom should do.

I'd go there and tell her for you, but I don't know when I'll be in San Diego again.

but it should be her job to do this, not yours. Sounds like she's passing along her dirty laundry to you. Don't do it.

Beastman is right about this. Unless you partially raised the girl, this really ain't your job.

It is never, ever a good idea to get in the middle of these sorts of things. Crossfire of such sort is quite deadly.

Quick, an old Army trick. Brew a cup of coffee, smoke a cigarette and tap the ashes into the coffee. Drink. You will turn a pale shade of green, be quite nauseous, perhaps throw up, be convincingly sick for aprox. three hours. And then you will be fine, and you will have gotten out of doing this foolish, foolish deed.

Go, now, brew some coffee, light up, quick quick!

I would stay miles away from that situation.

Mom may be pissed, and she probably has a right to be pissed, but her daughter deserves a chance at redemption.

You can stand back and watch. Mom needs to work out the kinks with her child and you need to keep yourself WAY out of it. You know no matter what you will end up being the bad guy. I say no no no.

And leave it at that.

Might send the wrong message.

but she wants to cut her daughter off with a note? Isn't that like breaking up with someone on the phone? Or even worse, because she's not even letting her daughter defend herself.

They need to sit down and talk like adults. The drama is bad, but dragging other people into it is even worse.

but why don't you suggest your girlfriend to go into the booth. It may shock the hell out of the daughter.

...or your friend could have the guts to deliver a message in person. She could even slip a note under a door.

If your relationship depends upon your running such an errand for her, it should probably be examined.

Don't get into the middle of this.
I'm from the Northeast, and I spent some time around Providence, RI. Around the area there are a few schools like Brown Univ., Rhode Island College, Roger Williams, URI etc.. It is not all that ususual for college age girls to do something like this. Personal opinions of "less than honorable" acitivities can change pretty fast when money is involved. Around Providence there are a few "gentlemens" clubs, strip clubs to be precise. College age girls, who previously may never have dreamed of being a stripper , see how much cash they can earn by doing a show. It can be hard for them to turn that money away especially when you have to meet with college expenses.
I would stay out of it.

saying 'you are out of my life, signed Mom' is, at worst, very manipulative, and at best, superfluous.

She's either trying to guilt-trip her into quitting, or she really wants free of her daughter.

If she does want free of her daughter, just quit taking the phone calls, and don't go to see her.

Why pass a note?

No offense, but it sounds like something my nutty mother would have done.

a thing as a method of cutting her daughter off, reflects rather poorly on her (the mom), I'm sorry to say.

And had chosen her own way.

I cannot side with the mom. I think that you should offer your services as a mediator, or at least say that you love your girl, but you cannot in good conscience support what she plans to do about her daughter.

to do anything.
If the mother wants a secondary source to intervene, I feel it should be another family member.

I feel you need to stay out of it.


I also don't think that's the worst job in the world.

I would be more concerned about the lying and secretive behavior. I think there's more to that than what's on the surface.


Good luck.

Wouldn't dancing behind glass be safer and less degrading than lap dances or perhaps I don't know anything about these types of places?

I think peep shows are xxx. :shrug:

And I'm talking about the mother. If you consider yourself a friend to this woman, you need to try to talk her out of this.

She wants nothing to do with her daughter EVER AGAIN because her daughter works at a peep show RIGHT NOW?

That is a big, big mistake, and when she discovers that, her daughter may not forgive her. There are birthdays, holidays, grandkids, all kinds of things that your friend wants to throw away, and for what? A college job?

This breaks my heart.

ETA: And don't you dare slip that poor girl that note! EWW!

I feel that her reaction, while understandable that someone might be repulsed by a loved one working in such a job, is not appropriate. Getting you involved is not appropriate. You need to make her understand that there are different, less drastic but no less firm ways to show her distaste over this job choice. If she really thinks it is as bad as all that -- more than ever she needs to stay calm and reasonable and find a less drastic way to communicate her feelings. Blowing up and throwing her daughter out of her life may feel good in the short term as it gets her strong feelings off her chest, but it is not a workable solution for a real problem.

and never look back.

And the mom shouldn't be doing this, either - if what her daughter is doing is legal and as safe as this kind of thing can get, punishing the daughter for it is stupid. The daughter has her own standards of what is right or wrong, and her mom should acknowledge that - if you're gonna have kids, you have to realize they are independent souls.

As an aside, one of my close friends was a stripper in LA to make $$ through college, and we met in law school, where said friend aced all her classes at one of the nation's top-15 law schools.

So - as you know - peep show dancing or stripping or even hooking (though that's another matter b/c of it's illegality) has nothing to do with intelligence, kindness, or ability to succeed. Your gf should just freaking chill out.

...is part of the reason her daughter is taking this "pits" version of exhibitionism for money.


Don't enable her.

She doesn't have to go there to do it.

No fair to try and fob this off onto you, I say.

Her relationship with her daughter is just that: HER relationship with her daughter. It seems inappropriate for her to involve you with something that is really her issue.

If she wants to take such a dramatic step, she should step up to the plate and do it herself.

It's unfair and furthermore a bit co-dependent, imo.

This is a good opportunity for YOU to practice setting healthy emotional boundaries, maveric, and let her work on this one by herself. It's HER kid, afterall. Why get sucked into the drama? :shrug:

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this one. Good luck. :hug:

First of all, it's a nasty way to end a relationship.

Second, why would the daughter believe a note? Wouldn't she end up calling her mom anyway?

Third, why cut off your own flesh and blood? I bet the daughter could use some extra encouragement and self-determination to find a better job.

Fourth, it's not fair to you. You shouldn't be put into a position of doing the mom's dirty work. If she's not brave enough to express her concerns for herself, why should you do it? And, more importantly, how could she expect you to? There's always the mail.