Emotional Affairs?

I'm a huge fan of Boston Legal and I was catching up on the past couple of weeks' episodes last night. A character used the term "emotional affair" to describe his relationship with another character. I had never heard of such a thing before, so I Googled it like a good little internet geek and came across several articles about non-consummated friendships that have underlying sexual tension and deep emotional connections. My immediate reaction was one of "oh gosh, this is totally the situation I'm in right now with a friend of mine," but that's beside the point ... My secondary reaction was noticing that a good portion of the sites seemed to be fundamentalist-Christian infidelity sites--run by people who undoubtedly believe that even thinking a certain thing is a sin. I don't believe in punishing people for their thoughts and feelings; but I can see how such a relationship could be the start of a physical relationship. What do you think? Is an emotional affair cheating? Do such "affairs" even exist?

http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=156

http://marriages.typepad.com/marriages/2004/09/how_emotional_a.html

I'll explain my thoughts.

Are friends of the opposite gender wrong (assuming heterosexual relationships)?
No, of course not.

Is a marriage a good one when you reach out more to your opposite gendered friend that you have some sexual tension with than your spouse?
Probably not. Not the kind of marriage I'd want anyway.

Been there.
Done that.
(No longer in the unsatisfying marriage either. The "emotional affair" never worked primarily for the reasons we were not free to actually pursue a relationship from a healthy place to begin with. Leaning on someone in a time of weakness when committed to someone else doesn't make for a great start IMHO.)

If I'd advise someone else on this, tread cautiously and get to work on your primary relationship. If it's great, fine, just tread carefully and work to make it better. If not, you have a few things to figure out and need to tread even more carefully.

So reading about this gave me a big wake-up call. The friends I've talked to about this agree with you--if anything ever happened, it wouldn't be a healthy start. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, but happy you got out of an unsatisfying marriage! Thanks for taking the time to share, I appreciate it!

I agree with one man, that it's easier to talk to someone else sometimes, but easier does not usually mean better. I 'm not sure what gender you are, but it seems that men don't usually want to talk about their innermost thoughts and feelings. I know that when I was growing up in the fifties and sixties, I'd hear about some man or woman talking to a friend or neighbor, of the opposite sex, about their marital problems. Eventually the marriage(s) would fall apart. I guess it was an open invitation- "I'm unhappy, can you help me become happy again?"(an interesting challenge)

that when you are married and putting romantic energy toward a different relationship, your marriage will suffer.

ie your relationship is already suffereing... or is actually over, just the two parties can't let go yet.

That the relationship is usually already suffering (at least) but suffering relationships can be repaired.

I've seen it happen where the relationship is really over too.

I'm not talking about wondering if someone is good in bed. I mean giving them the kind of attention that is reserved for SO's. It doesn't matter if you never even see them in real-life.

And, believe me, it can be more intense and loving than a "real" relationship... which should give you a tip off on your "real" realtionship...

Well said. :thumbsup:

I was watching two straight men. VERY straight. And there is no doubt they are in love with each other. Nothing sexual. But you can feel the emotion and the love between them

You asked is "an emotional affair cheating?" Yes. Of the worst kind. Fucking around is one thing, giving your heart is a whole nother thang.

Khash.

It's all about who has your heart.

I wasn't asking for advice, but you guys have given me some food-for-thought about my own situation ... I'll reply to specific posts when I get back from class! :hi:

Thanks for the link; welcome to DU! :hi:

is that feelings just are.

Marriage is all about the commitments one makes and how one chooses to act on one's feelings.

Good luck with your situation.

opinion. I honestly don't believe we've done anything wrong (yet); but we're kind of on a slippery slope. It wouldn't be good for anyone involved if we were to act. Thanks for the good luck wishes! :-)

and the vows one keeps...

:(

RL

When they are in a committed relationship? Not have any friends besides their SO?
I think that the concept of emotional affair assumes that men and women relate to each other mainly sexually. If there is such a thing as "emotional affair" couldn't someone be having one with someone who they wouldn't be attracted to? What if your best possible friend isn't a person who you would want to have a committed relationship with because you weren't as attracted to them or they had a couple deal breaking bad habits?

Seriously, you'd know if you were ever starting one, in one, etc.