Should Little Children Be Told About Sex?

I'm nowhere NEAR being a parent (I'm an awkward, single male college sophomore), but I was thinking about this recently: when I do have children someday, why not let them know about sex from a young age - by which I mean, as early as 3.

I know that sounds really early. Ultimately, though, if we don't want sex to be something awkward or weird to kids, why not let kids be aware of it for as long as they can remember, rather than setting it up as some weird, awkward moment in grade school? If it's just a fact of life from that early on, why would there be anything weird about it for the kid? No making up weird excuses about where babies come from, etc.

The main downside I can think of - and it's a big one - is that other parents might not quite appreciate their kids knowing the facts of life, nor are preschool teachers going to be too comfortable with it; if my kids wind up being as inquisitive and as talkative as I was, they'll definitely mention it offhand or ask questions about it and in doing so, make the whole playground aware of it.

Thoughts? Too naive?

By which I mean, the problem with your question is with the presentation. You don't sit a 3-year-old down and tell them what a man does with his penis.

The best bit of advice I ever got with regard to teaching children about sex came from some book I read when my mother's daughter was pregnant, and it basically boiled down to this. From the moment your child is born you are responsible for creating a relationship where that child feels comfortable asking questions and getting good answers. Curiosity comes naturally, and when it comes, give answers. Don't tell some evasive "birds and the bees" story. Use proper nouns for body parts. Don't express, with word or deed, that anything about the body is "nasty."

Cultural tradition has developed this idea of "having the talk" with a kid. It should not be "a talk." It should be a lifetime of open communication. My daughter knew the mechanics, probably by the time she was 11, shortly before she started menstruating. But she didn't learn it all in one day.

My whole point is specifically no "talk" but just gradually let them know from a very early age so that there's nothing weird about it.

Cultural tradition has developed this idea of "having the talk" with a kid. It should not be "a talk." It should be a lifetime of open communication. My daughter knew the mechanics, probably by the time she was 11, shortly before she started menstruating. But she didn't learn it all in one day.

It absolutely should be a lifetime of communication and you're DEAD ON that it shouldn't EVER be to describe sex as "dirty" "nasty" or "shameful" ; the body should be taught to be loved and RESPECTED.

:yourock:

I provided information about everything else since the day they were born. As it came up, to the best of their understanding for their age, unless it became essential for the purpose of safety. Like the recent need to warn about the dangers of self induced abortions which are all the talk at school.

I have three kids - each different. One daughter asks me everything. One daughter asks me nothing (about sex) and then there is my son who asks the occasional doozie. (is that how you spell doozie?)

Driving with the kids in the car one day my son screams from the back seat with disbelief, "Mommy, girls don't really have three holes! Do they?" After I got done rolling on the floor (dangerous while driving) I had no problem answering him honestly.

At the age of 8, my older daughter was front and center for the birth of her little sister. And I mean right up front, touching elbows with the doc. She was the first to hold her.

And the little one - well I don't think I can post here, publicly, the things that come out of her mouth. She has no shame. But that is how I raised her. Does a mother proud.

If I hadn't been open with them from the beginning (without overwhelming them) these moments that I cherish and many others like them would not have been possible.

I had no clue about sex or what it was until I was 13. I started my period and heard bleading could mean pregnancy and I thought I was pregnant when I got my period. I stayed a virgin until I was 19. I had not ever seen or hear of Marijuana until I was 16 and to this day, I do not and have not done drugs.. so... Ignorance is not always bad. I'm happy with how I turned out.

I was very sheltered. I don't regret it. I have a 19 year old daughter now. I sheltered her in the same way I was sheltered, I have no idea if its rigt but... she's completely into her education right now is is doing great. No one told me sex was bad, but no one told me it was good either. I'm not ashamed of sex, I love it. I'm married with 3 kids and we're all ok. I just don't think children are sexual beings.

If I had the plumbing, I'd like to know that before it occured.

Like, you can't get pregnant until you menstate ect... I got my menses and thought I was pregant. My mom was to shy a person to explain to me what was going on. My dad informed me what was going on and thats when I knew the penis goes into the vagina, and if there's no penis going into the vagina there can't be a baby. I was in complete shock. That (the penis) goes there (the vagina). You can imagine my shock.

Yeah, valuable info, that.

:rofl: My mother absolutely failed to tell me about mestruation. I figured I was dying. Boy, was my neighbor pissed at my mother (my mom was at work so I called my neighbor to come and help me.)

I laugh about it to this day.

I was probably about as sheltered as fun n serious. Hell, until about 14 (yes, fourteen - we were quite rural) I thought that oral sex was something that you talked about. :rofl:

I started my period at 11, never knew what was going on with that, either. My mom just handed me a belt and napkins and said to expect it every month.

The only reason I found out about sex at 12 was because I was raped. So remaining ignorant isn't always so peachy keen.

I knew all the basics by age 7 (although i couldn't figure out how they were actually feasible for a while) and was just as virginal as you and I don't do drugs either. A lot of people try things because they're curious. I could just ask and/or read a book. Ignorance is not something for which to strive.

The feasibility of sex escaped me for many years, until I finally "got it." That, however, was through finally yelling at my mom in the car one day, totally out of the blue--no preface or anything, just silence and then: "But HOW?? HOW DOES SOMEONE HAVE SEX?? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE SEX??"

I thought she would faint.

:rofl:

Just google "sex"

Most 3 and 4 year olds are fascinated w/ pregnant women. Let them touch their bellies, feel the baby kicking and explain that the mommy is keeping the baby safe until it is ready to be born. You don't have to get very technical-just be simple. And stick w/ the "baby in tummy" bit for the longest time-that's what they are most interested in.

My daughter is five. She knows basically that babies stay in mommies tummies until they are ready to breathe on their own, she knows that boys and girls look different "without their clothes on", she knows that mommies can feed their babies w/ their breasts instead of bottles-she knows it's better for the baby than a bottle and loves to stroke a friend's baby's head while she nurses. She also knows that her mommy had to have her "tummy cut open" to have her (kinda hard to cover a csection scar when she runs in and out of my room and the shower all the time!) but that most mommies don't have one. Lately, she's watched quite a bit of Discovery Channel and loves to watch the animals giving birth on there. When she asks about birth I will tell her in simple terms.

Don't force it. Just be honest and tell only what they want to hear and nothing extra. Not enough information and they won't ask you any more questions. Too much information and they might not comprehend all of it.

Yours is better tho...

:)

Edit to remove extraneous "'"... Don't need no punctuation police.

It's the way I'm doing things right now.

I believe in being honest but I don't believe in forcing things. Just tell them what they want to know at the time.

I've met parents who have never said anything and seem to think my daughter is overly sexual for what she knows. I've met other parents who've explained EVERYTHING at the age of four and the kids were just confused-and a bit scared. I think middle of the road is best. Let the child express an interest and then explain what they are interested in.

Example: My daughter is sometimes fascinated w/ looking at her vagina. All she does is look at it and try to figure out why it's there. It's normal for children to check out their parts. We've talked about how that's fine but she should do that in her bedroom or in the bathroom since some people don't like it. She was fine with that explanation.

N/T

It's how I'm doing it right now.

used to stuff her baby doll up her shirt to try to feed it since before she was 2 1/2. We had her in a local home day care with a woman that had her own baby a few months earlier... so, my daughter tried to imitate this woman's breastfeeding her baby.

But, she also knows that "a long time ago"... "when I was a baby" she was inside her mommy's stomach because her daddy her put her there. (We didn't go into details on that part)

My daughter has been able to tell the sexes apart for a while now, as well as ethnicities (she seems to know for a while now if a baby is Asian/Chinese, as one time a while back she told me, "look daddy, another xiao didi" ('little brother' in Chinese, which is how Chinese refer to babies of friends & relatives - little or big brother or sister)

We both know that if you make them feel comfortable they will come to you with questions. The best way to deal w/ it is to answer them honestly. They don't want too many details-they just want a basic understanding.

When they are a bit older they will want details.


(And my daughter wants to know why I still have "boobies" since I don't have any babies around. I told her that they are there in case I ever have another one.)

Otherwise, let it be.

With the caveats that you mentioned, that some parents don't want their kids knowing. This is always the toughest part to negotiate, I think. Same (on a very different scale) as if you don't teach your children to believe in Santa, for example. They'll be fine with it; it's the other kids you have to try to be sensitive to.

I think that it's important to answer kids with honest, age-appropriate (in other words, what they need to know and are able to understand) answers, as they ask. I very much agree with what you say, that our society makes sex a weird/bad/uncomfortable thing, much to the detriment of many adults' sex lives...

I read it in the media (you know how they are) a couple
of years ago...

There was a couple who desperately wanted to have children.
They were middle aged, married, and "had been sleeping together"
for a few years.

They went to a fertility clinic to see if there was a problem
and it turned out they knew nothing about sex and had therefore
never performed the act necessary to conceive.

In my opinion this is a very tragic story. However, with a little
counseling they got what they wanted.

ask. When they ask, answer that question with the truth, but make it age appropriate. They will let you know when they are ready for more info.

"Sex cauldron? I thougt they closed that place down!"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316101834/qid=1147060117/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-9225702-7303352?s=books&v=glance&n=283155

It's nice that my kid has a book he can refer to or I can read with him if he forgets anything. But he knows he's always welcome to ask me questions, too.

Hmmmmm.

When you get to the point where you have been cleaning the shit off their behinds for a few years, nothing is awakward anymore...

The OP thinks 3 year olds should be taught about sex so it won't be weird or awkward for them in their future.

Am I so spoiled that I must see a sarcasm tag before I realize what's going on?!

:)

as they come up without going overboard. 'Where did I come from?' might just as easily be answered with 'Pittsburgh' as with a half hour lecture about the birds and bees. If your answer isn't satisfactory, they'll ask another one like 'how did I get to Pittsburgh'.

About being honest, open, allowing for a dialogue, and taking it slow (age-appropriately). Very good advice. Knowledge is power, even for a young child.

Here's what scares me: I teach college students and they don't know the basics of reproduction. When I talk about prenatal development, I have to back up and start from how bodies work (for example, that women are born with as many eggs as they'll ever have and that those egg cells age with her while men produce new sperm all of the time; what fallopian tubes, uterus, and placenta are; etc.).

Plus, I was shocked to find out that college students don't know much about Sexually Transmitted Diseases (for example, that there are viral STDs you can get without actually having sex or that viral STDs never go away!). This freaks them out and it freaks me out that no one took the time to give 20-year-olds this type of information.

I was talking to my 15-year-old niece last weekend about sex ed in her school and she told me that they covered a few basics but then stopped because "some people were uncomfortable." :wtf:

Guess what she and I talked about the rest of the day? Menstruation, reproduction, STDs, etc. Plus, that sex is a natural thing. I want her to understand her body and be empowered with knowledge.

Knowledge is power!

parents freaking out about sex ed in schools....and the resultant decrease in classes to teach this information.

I have seen teens in my office who had only the most rudimentary knowledge or worse. (great way to avoid sex before marriage and teen pregnancy, no?) :banghead:

I buy books for my kid so that the information will be available when he wants to know. I myself spent a great deal of time in the library reading about these matters when I was that age.

I find a way to talk about sex ed in almost every class I teach (developmental classes make it easy but I'll find some way to sneak it in elsewhere if the topic allows it). I'm always shocked by the looks on my students' faces and I direct them to websites with real and accurate information in case they don't have it already (like the CDC website).

Once I taught an Adolescent Psychology class and brought in STD and reproduction pamphlets for the entire class, which were available from the health center. I warned the health center staff that I'd be wiping them out of material!

This semester, in my Intro to Psych class, one of my female students (right after spring break) wanted to talk after class (alone). She thought she had a yeast infection but didn't know exactly how they develop. She mentioned wearing a wet bathing suit all spring break week and I suggested that that could have done it; but I told her she should definitely see a doctor to be sure. She was afraid that, if she told her mom that she had a yeast infection, her mom would accuse her of having sex! I told her to do two things: 1) tell her mom that even very young girls (infants) can get yeast infections and 2) to act completely insulted and say "why would you even suggest that about me?" Turns out, she did have one (after going to the doc and getting the meds, it was fine) and that her mom actually told her that she is prone to getting them and should have warned her daughter about it possibly happening to her as well.

I am amazed every semester by the lack of knowledge these young adults have about their own bodies. :banghead:

My mother didn't believe in bullshit, so when we asked, she told us. I think we were 4 and 5 and I remember that neither one of us believed her for a moment. It sounded as made-up as finding babies in the cabbage patch.

We were not scarred for life, as far as I can tell.

a four year old asks his mother, "Mom, where do babies come from?" The mother is frazzled and finally says, "Why honey, babies come from the stork." The little boy answers, "Oh yeah? Who fucks the stork?"
a bit early for a Monday but I love that joke.

And it is up to the parents, NOT educators, to do so. And if the educators are uncomfortable with a child that knows the FACTS, not the fiction many wish to promote, that is on them, not you or any other parent who chooses to have a well informed child.

My girls were exposed (no pun intended) to the facts of life when they were 5 - 6 years old. I bought them the "Where Did I Come From?" book and video. Both were well worn (sometimes I think the adults had more fun with the video than the kids...it IS quite amusing) but worth it. Their dad and I both watched it with them, and read them the book, whenever they requested it. Body parts were known by the anatomically correct names (although, of course, we, as many parents, had "nicknames"). The girls never hesitated to ask questions and when both became sexually active, they came to me.

I am proud to say I have two very intelligent, successful daughters who are STD and baby free. Parents need to take the responsibility to educate their children to the FACTS, not what much of society wish the facts (abstinence only, virgin at marriage, etc) to be.

Jenn

I have two kids, 8 and 6, and wife is pregnant with another. The kids know that Daddy plants a seed and that makes the baby grow in Mommy...They haven't asked any questions regarding how this happens, they just know that it takes a male and a female to make a baby and that the baby is half Mom and half Dad....

When they ask how this happens, we'll tell them.

I learned by seeing Cattle and Dogs copulate (not each other). That probably explains my limited technique....:silly:

While comprehensive sex education is a good thing- just ask Sweden- there is such a thing as "too young" for some topics. Sex education would best be taught starting at around middle-school age. Early topics would be gentle and made to match student maturity levels- getting more serious as the students aged. Should kids get to the High School level completely unaware of sex? No. But throwing sex information at them in too strong a dosage is just going to confuse them- especially with the current dumbing-down of America in full swing.

They need that information WAY before middle-school age.

She's reading like she breathes lately.

Two weeks ago she was reading a book about how your body changes as you grow. We've had that book around since she was four, and she's looked at it many, many times, but this day she actually read it. The book doesn't tell you everything. It's mostly about periods, body hair, pimples, etc.

She's known about periods forever and knows it's coming. As far as, I can tell she's not freaked out about it, because I'm not freaked out about it.

Anyway, she came over to me, and wanted to know if kissing made you pregnant. She knew that the part of her that is me comes out of my ovaries, and the part of her that is her Dad comes out of his testicles, but she couldn't figure out how they end up together, other than kissing. I figured this was the time to tell her, so we talked about it.

I didn't get the impression she was freaked out. It was almost like a light went on, and the mystery had been solved for her. Once I told her the mechanics of it all, I let her ask questions until she was satisfied.

I think she got what she needed for now.

(She'd atted that she knew, with an all-knowing look).

Turns out you rub your bodies together and exchange "sex molecules". the rest is sorta fuzzy.

Now you know.

A. I asked, and my dad told me in a simplistic but accurate way, when I was four, how babies were made.
B. I checked out a bunch of books in fourth grade and learned about chromosomes.

I learned about puberty and menstruation in fourth grade (we had a film strip), and discussions of STDs and contraception and abstinence started in sixth or seventh grade; I had the biology of ovulation, sperm production, etc., down by ninth grade.

What was absent from most of this, and I had to learn by experience and hearing from friends, was that sex could be done for fun. I had no clue why someone would WANT to do this if they didn't want a baby. That's one reason I think virginity pledges at a young age are ridiculous -- it's easy to pledge at 10 not to do something you can't figure out why anyone would want to do anyway. Then the hormones kick in.

I think kids' questions should be answered honestly, using real words, in age-appropriate terms.

Save the ethics and morals of sex until they get a little older, and don't rush to tell kids to wait until they're married unless that's what you truly believe they should be doing. (This is why I object to abstinence-only education in schools -- a lot of the time, they're being told that premarital sex is morally wrong. I don't object to my hypothetical kids being told that abstinence guarantees they won't get pregnant, and is safer than even the best condoms for STD prevention, and that at 14 or whatever they're really in a bad position to be a parent or make a decision that could lead to that...but I don't want them to be told that waiting until marriage is the only moral/ethical/"right" thing to do, because in my opinion, and probably that of 90 percent of Americans if they're honest, it's not.)

great post as usual, eyesroll.

you don't really have a choice, unless you want to lie or avoid their questions.

so there's no point in bringing up sex any earlier than that.

Most doctors will tell you that a kid is old enough to know about sex when s/he starts to ask, and it almost always comes in the form of "where do babies come from?".

They'll also tell you that at that age, you answer the specific question--no more, no less--until the questions stop coming.

Later on, as their bodies start to change, they usually want to know much, much more, and that's a good time to get a little more detailed.

He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

but it is hilarious!

I like this one too:

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children.


Because I don't think children should be having sex."

Being straight with kids doesn't mean mean you have to go from penis/vagina to Cleveland Steamers in one conversation.

I haven't had to look something up in a long time. Yuck, worse than (probably can't say it here).

The tactic I took with my daughter was to tell her about sex when she was curious enough to ask. It began with the usual question of "where do babies come from?" when she was either 4 or 5 yrs old. The first time she asked, I made the mistake of getting too detailed and it bored the hell out of her so she stopped listening.

She's 6 yrs old now and we have had the sex conversation a few times now. I think she understands the major concepts although she looks at me like I'm insane when I attempt to explain the whole menstrual situation. I have a hard time explaining that in a way that is understandable for her. :shrug:

Always answer any honest question honestly.

I'm not sure what you're thinking of when you say "let them be aware of it." Although plenty of cultures (including our own) have had times when families lived cramped in small dwellings which meant all parties were aware of any sexual activity on the part of family members, we don't tend to live like that anymore here and it would probably make them stand out among their peers.

Kids ARE aware of sex from a young age, just not as we view it. They know adults sleep together, that they kiss and show a different sort of affection. It's part of life. Eventually, they ask questions and I don't mean when they're 13 - they start asking them early and often.

Answer them in a way they can understand. That's all you need to do.

in terms that small children understand. Simple, not too graphic. Then later you do it again, using age appropriate details, and then later the same. You're right about the weird excuses: they only put a stigma on sex at an early age.

I think there are books to help with this.