Do you seriously question your judgment of character

when you meet someone and think they seem like a real nice person and have their stuff together, are responsible, and have other sterling qualities....

...only to find out in a few weeks or months that the person has serious character flaws?

It makes me think, "How could I have been so wrong about So-and-So?"

I know people can change over time, but when this sort of thing happens over a short period of time, I think, if only there were an acid test.

:cry:

This happened to me recently, not with somebody who was my SO or a potential SO, but somebody I knew from a group we both belong to.

I even thought, if I have a business one day I'd like to hire him.
Not any more!

But the worst time this happened was with a close relative. When she changed into the shape of a wolf metamorphosed into Dr. Hyde showed her dark side in a blatant, abusive, mean, hateful, disrespectful manner, then I could look back and see things she'd said or done over the years that might've tipped me off. Except I didn't want to see them, I guess.

with my ex-girlfriend, though, as she was someone I had known closely for eight years, it really does make me question my judgement of character. :(

might have tipped you off? (Hindsight's always 20-20 :-( )

that things weren't all right, but I knew she had some issues, and I didn't have a problem with that. It just turned out that she wasn't being honest with me when we had agreed not to hide anything from each other and after eight years I thought I could trust her completely. :(

I have a serious record of picking terrible men.

I no longer trust myself to know a good one when I see one.

who I have no interest in and feel no instant chemistry for, I'll know he's the one for me to get interested in. LOL.

Seriously, the ones I have a strong physical attraction toward are trouble (at least that's how it's been for the past several years)--and in my head, I know it.

well, trouble in the sense that they will probably end up mistreating me, in one way or another--most typically by making themselves unavailable (they wait until after I start to warm up to them to do this).

--to get somebody interested in them--and then when the other person is "hooked" they start their abusive behavior.

If they were abusive from the very beginning their chances of getting in a relationship with anyone would be seriously diminished.

Lots of women with father issues wind up going for the wrong guy because they want to try to fix their father. Maybe you could be doing something similar?

But I have gone for the wrong guy at times, that's for sure.

One rule I have for myself is I will never get involved with a man who's recently separated from his wife.

Because when people put their best foot forward, you don't see everything. How can you make an informed decision without half of the information?

Some, such as Ted Bundy, can hide it for QUITE a while.

Everyone has an issue, if you look hard enough and narrow-mindedly enough.

:shrug:

And when we're personally traumatised or badly hurt by the person, we tend to become more cynical and lose our trust in humanity in general. I spent many years inside a tightly protected shell, not letting anyone in. It's not a nice way to live.

I've come to the conclusion that there's a fine line between being naive and overly trusting and being completely cynical. It's not easy to maintain a balance between the two but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong, while trying not to lose sight of any extraneous clues they give me. Am I still fooled at times? Oh, yes. But I've come to see it as part of being human. :shrug:

Happens to me a fair bit.

EDIT:
To be fair to my self, I'm right FAR FAR more often than I'm wrong. It's just the 'wrong' ones that really stick out.

say something positive and one says something negative, it's easier to remember the negative. It's something I'm trying to work on.

People remember negatives far more often, talk about them more often, and dwell on them more often.

You're probably, at minimum, three times more likely to have someone give you a negative review of a restaurant or movie, not because there are more bad, but because it's more interesting to talk about.

I try to curb that in myself, but it's very hard.

If you aren't a rhinologist I'll DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

:silly:

I became friends with this one chick awhile back, because her boyfriend and I had become drinking buddies.
Her boyfriend worked the same shift at the same place as my SO- that's how I met the guy in the first place- awesome dude. He and I got together once or twice a week and had a few beers together and talked shit and generally just had a good time. Eventually his girlfriend stopped by.
So I chatted it up with her, wanted to make her comfortable, let her see that I was no threat, yanno? And we became friends. Started hanging out and I babysat for her a little bit, and just fell in love with her kid.
By this point I knew her and her b/f fought a lot. Didn't realize how bad it really was until one night somehow I got caught up in the middle of one of the fights (I posted about it after it happened, a few months ago- cops were called, chick was freaking out, had to take her kid for awhile so her kid didn't see her beating herself up, yadda yadda).
Pretty much since then I've lost interest in her as a friend, between her accusing me of betraying her trust, her using her kid as a weapon against her b/f, and her just pretty much being a bitch. I don't call chicks that very often, either.

I still can't figure out why I didn't see it in the first place. I thought this chick was so cool, so much like me. But she just *poof* went crazy. Ugh.


Also another chick I thought was awesome turned out to be a crackhead- a real crackhead. Which I could have dealt with if not for the fact she was living in my apt, not paying any rent or helping do anything at all, and talking shit about me to *my* friends in my complex, rather than her own friends who don't know me. Hmm.

I'm just kind of half expecting the rest of my friends to show a dark side.

significant they are. I've got 'em, I don't expect anyone else to be without 'em!

You're my twin, and therefor just like me :P

immense perfection, right? Because that in itself would be flawtagious.

but we know it, just between you and i ;)

And yet we're sensitive to the feelings of the "little people." Bless us. :rofl:

:D

somebody is way off.

I had some...interesting...boyfriends though, as a result of ignoring personality traits in favor of seeking appealing physical attributes in numerous instances, though.:scared:

is that I will see the flaws and pretend they're not there or that I can make them go away. An idiot, that's me.

I may be very friendly and I may like someone very much because of a good first impression, but I only invest in people gradually as I get to know them.

to know a man BEFORE dating him.

It appears that I have absolutly no good judgement in this area.

I wasn't the person being grifted. I totally believed her. She was that good.

And it was more like after a few years I found out he had serious character flaws. x(

After having dinner with she and my SO, my SO said "you do realize that Lisa is seriously f$cking nuts, right?"

"She is not! She's really great."

He just shrugged and shook his head.

A after that, I was out on my ass because I didn't want to go through her mind-control "est"/"The Forum" thing (that she was obsessed with), and couldn't deal with the ups and downs of her obvious bipolarity.

Heard later that someone else this happened to approached her at a trade show and said "do you REALIZE how many lives you've ruined with your craziness?"

We all make our mistakes....

has "bad nerves", and takes it out on anyone who is so unfortunate as to be associated with them in any way. I had this happen to me once with a friend. Looking back, I could see that she'd had a lot of conflicts with other people. One day it was my turn.

In the case that happened to me most recently, I thought this person was sensible, reliable, responsible, etc. As I mentioned above I thought if I ever had a business, I thought he'd make a good employee.

Turns out this guy pisses other people off a lot--basically by trying to tell them what to do. Also he broke a clock one day, took it off the wall and threw it down and broke it, and broke a table too. The table was in bad shape to begin with, but he didn't need to tear it up.

I guess I don't need to say I wouldn't hire him for anything. Unless I had a business tearing old houses and buildings down. :silly:

I met a guy once who I thought was divorced (I think he told me specifically but I never directly asked), only for it to turn out that he was still married though separated. There were other reasons I question my judgement with regards to this guy. He apparently lied a lot and I missed all the signs.

I got burned badly once in a relationship with a man who had just separated from his wife.

In fact the longer the separation, the bigger the red flag: If they really wanted to be divorced and if they were really ready for a new relationship, they would be divorced by the time they start up/enter into a relationship with you.

"In fact the longer the separation, the bigger the red flag"

I knew a man once who'd been "separated" for years and years. (Fortunately, I didn't get involved with this one.) I suspect in his case, they didn't divorce because they didn't want to divide the assets.

But whatever the reason (who cares?) I'm glad I passed on that one! :-)

you first meet after awhile though the newness wears off and the truth like cream will rise to the top...

I thought she managed to stay so energetic because she was a vegetarian...I'm so naive!:blush:

With that said, maybe this person you feel has a serious character flaw...maybe when formed your initial opinion of them you were too quick. People are too complex to form a concrete opinion of in a few months. Except for people with mullets, I write them off pretty quick without a second thought.

I think perhaps I developed good instincts as a GI brat