I'm an adult - I think- so why do I let my Mom get to me? (rant)

She came over last week, and in an effort to be *helpful and encouraging* pretty much made me feel like a steaming pile of crap. I cried all freaking afternoon after she left, and felt pretty much like a stupid little girl. Then she called to make sure I was "ok," when, in fact, I really wanted her to leave me alone so I could compose myself. I never feel more like a complete and utter failure at everything, than when I'm around her, and it has always been that way. She makes me doubt everything about me and my life. She feels this burning need to exorcise her parenting-failure demons on me; she goes on about how mean she was to me, and why, and I'm well aware of how she behaved, and what drove her, and I wish she would just stop, already. Sorry. Just needed to spit out the mental venom.

:hug:

She makes me want to smoke, like no one else on this earth!:P

But you need to say to her what you said to us.

I've got an idea of how you feel. My mom died before I could reconcile all my stuff with her. I'm pretty good with most of it now, but there're still all these frayed ends in my brain that'd be nice and neat if it were bi-lateral.

I wish better for you. And your mom. :hug:

I don't share alot of my *real* problems with my parents; I don't feel like burdening them, and I know they can't (and shouldn't) fix them for me, so I prefer to keep them to myself. I think I haven't done as thorough a job of forgiving my mom for some things as I try to convince myself that I have. Baggage sucks- no matter how much I try to dump it, there it always sits.

I have a :hug: for you. And I agree with Oeditpus Rex. Can you find a way to tell her what she's doing to you is causing you so much pain?

:hug: Lara, i'm sorry you're having to deal with this.


aA
kesha

I think sometimes she's more of a "child" than I am, in some ways. She sacrificed her own happiness to give my sister and I a stable family life, and I feel a sense of debt to her for that, and at the same time, I realize I never ASKED her to do that, and she's dumped a whole lot of crap on me that you shouldn't burden your children with. Nonetheless, I don't want to walk around feeling sorry for myself about it. I'm an adult with my own children, and I need to be a healthy role model.

when we try to verbalize highly emotional issues we get all bogged down. I wish my mom were here so I could talk (or write) to her!

Right now, I'm watching my best friend care for her terminally ill mnother, and it makes me feel stupid and petty for not being able to let go of things that were unfortunate, but primarily occurred years ago, between my mom and I.

My mom is 65, her mother is 95. My grandma still get under my mom's skin and they dig up hurts that happened before WWII, for f*ck sake! It never ends.

I don't doubt it! I can see that happening. Ugh.

I'm 32 and my mom drives me nuts. If fact, it freaks me out when my mom and I have the same conversations that my mom and grandma have. It's like the circle of life, only annoying.

:hug:

Those are always good, too.
:hug:

But you need to tell her what you told us. If saying it to her directly is too hard, and it might be, tell her over the phone. If you can't do that, write her a note -- in a nice, pretty card if you want to soften it -- but tell her. I used to write letters to my mother for years after she died, telling her all the things I'd wished I had told her while I still could. It really did help shed some of the....stuff.

And, in the meantime, if you need to rant or vent or just jump up and down and scream for a while, we're here.

:hug:

:)

I'm not great at being confrontational, so I might be better off writing it down. I can't cry and blubber like an idiot on paper, at least.

Always worked for my dad and me. Helped us leave both our hard feelings and teeth behind us. :P

That wouldn't be fair. I could try the old "flick her off when she turns around" move, though. That was always SO cathartic when I was fifteen.:P

:shrug:

I'm probably not old enough to know. Maybe when my forties roll around?

:rofl:

I think we're doomed. :P

:hug:

and I then invite her to come over and do it for me...and she remains quiet about it.