Dear DU: What to do in the aftermath of a melt-down?

I had an uncomfortable experience recently and wondering what you all think about how to handle the aftermath. This is long-winded, so read at your own risk...

A friend/colleague and I have been working on a project, and she's the leader. This weekend, we took a business trip for which she was to prepare an itinerary. She didn't get the itinerary out to the rest of the group until midnight the night before we departed for early flights. This was part of a pattern of non-communication with the rest of the group, and was topped off by the fact that she arrived 1 1/2 hours later than she said she would, and didn't even acknowledge her lateness, while the rest of us had to wait in bum-fuck airport.

I'd had words with her prior to this about her attempted misappropriation of funds for the project, (she had allocated funds over-which she had no authority,and manipulated department heads into agreeing to release the funds without full knowledge of the project), and we argued over this about a week ago. We had agreed to sort out these problems and other frustrations of the group as soon as she arrived at the airport, but with her late arrival, and a planned meeting with others an hour later, that couldn't happen.

So, we ended up driving in heavy traffic all day, but hitting only about 25% of our targeted goal for the day because she didn't have a plan of action, nor had she made the required appointments. Nevertheless, the group took their jobs seriously, and worked relatively well together, despite her rather hostile behavior and general rudeness(insisting that we go in a different direction than planned, etc).

She tried several times to pick fights in order to break the "tension in the air you could cut with a knife" (her words. we were actually all pretty cool and working well together.) We insisted that we wait until we could all be face-to-face and not in heavy traffic to have the discussion.

At dinner, we finally got around to discussing things, and didn't get far. The minute I pointed out that if I'd known our itinerary included only 1/4 of the work we had planned to do together, I would have suggested we postpone, she blew up, started sobbing, and was yelling in the restaurant that "nobody likes me, and I do so much for you!", "none of you have ever liked me", "you are just doing this because you don't like me", "I quit, I have had it, I quit!", etc. It was totally out of proportion, and, indeed, I do like her, and have worked well with her in the past.

Most of her wrath was directed at me, and I basically stopped talking because every time I said anything at all, even to try and comfort her, she lost it at me. The others in our group did a good job of getting her calmed down enough to be able to leave the restaurant with some dignity, and get back to the hotel.

I booked an early flight home because I knew that I was the one she felt most judged by, and that my presence would simply add to her upset. I was also very hurt that she would make me the lightning rod for her anxieties, and that she would question my friendship simply because I was trying to hold her accountable for something she volunteered to do. This kind of thing is very hard for me as the over-responsible oldest of alcoholics. Reminds me of a lot of scenes when I was growing up, and I recognize the manipulation inherent in this kind of dramatic over-reaction.

She has been calling and emailing to apologize, and wants to get together and "repair the relationship". I'm all for repairing, but I am not prepared to go through another glossing-over of the fact that she simply didn't do her job and wasted a lot of people's time. I know that she will expect me to be on eggshells to avoid hurting her feelings again, and I am not willing to do that. I agree with her that she should quit, and that she is not the right person for this job. (No one is, by the way, it's a volunteer gig and is a thankless exercise.)

I am concerned for her mental health and this is not the person I have known in the past, who was effective, competent, and very present. She has seemed disengaged and disconnected throughout this whole process, and I am sure something else is going on.

So here's the advice part- Should I just tell her I'm out of the whole thing, and that I hope we can gradually rebuild our friendship? Or should I really let her know how concerned I am and suggest she get counseling? Should I try to stick it out and meet my commitments, which are almost complete?

What do you say to someone who has had a meltdown, while still protecting yourself?



edited for clarity

Really let her know how concerned you are...

I don't know what to say, but I agree with you that something else is going on.

I think she needs caring friends right now more than competent helpers for this stupid project.

Just writing all that out makes is so much more clear.

I think she's in trouble and she needs help.

...she needs to work somewhere else. What you have described about her performance suggests sabotage. Her actions are in direct conflic with the progression of the project. How do you expect to reach your goals with this going on? How long do you think a team can maintain focus and cohesion with such a disruptive influence? Eventually, someone will have to take the blame for missing/misappropriated fund, missed milestones/deliveries/goals and perhaps attrition caused by other members deciding they will go ahead and take that job offer. When the shit comes down, do you expect this person to step up and take responsibility for her actions and the detrimental effect they have had? Or will she exibit the same behaviour and blame you? And, if you re blamed, how will the others react? Will they step up and speak the truth about her erratic and damaging behaviour, or will they decide to give her some slack and find it's easier to throw you overboard?

If this were my company, I would write up a report, deliver it to HR and encourage my coworkers to do the same. Sometimes folks get out of whack and need some help, and sometimes peoples neurosis get so out of hand that they become a detriment to those around them. In this case, I believe this leans to the latter example, and you need to think about yourself, your coworkers and your project/company first. Once that is secured, by all means try to help this person.

I really didn't think about sabotage, and honestly, that is what this begins to feel like, whether intentional or not.

Wow, why does the word Bev come to mind?

without actually admitting she wants out. It may be that something else is going on in her life, or it may just be burnout with what she is doing. You guessed it right about he manipulating her. That's why she screams, blames you, and puts you on the defensive. It takes the others out of the equation, and puts the whole thing on you in a way that shuts you up. You have to walk on eggshells to prevent her next blow-up, and the others naturally take a conciliatory approach, since they feel somewhat relieved, maybe even a little superior (not on purpose, just as a reflex), for not being the object of the explosion.

It all sounds like a purely manipulative performance on her part to make you force her out, so she doesn't have to feel like she quit. She can blame you, instead of herself. You know the type, if you've dealt with alcoholics (as you mention in passing in the OP).

Sounds like that's what you already know, though. How to respond... I'd go with what you feel you should do. Your instincts are closest. You sound like the type who wants to confront a problem, with compassion, and find a solution that satisfies everyone as much as can be done. To me, that sounds like the perfect instinct, so I'd go with that. I believe that's a combination of all of the options you mentioned.

One thing, though. Don't let her do it again, whatever that entails.

And yeah, it does sound a little like the name you mentioned.

Do you REALLY want to rebuild this friendship? OR..is this the continuation of your "Hero" role in the alcoholic dynamic in which you grew up ?

Needs help? Sure. However, her conduct that you described, really calls-up the phrase "Termination Time"

Trying to sort out the balance between meeting my committments, and your point is well taken regarding old patterns.

I consider it a real breakthrough that I left the situation rather than staying and trying to rescue things.

God, I love being a grownup with a credit card.

Is she your friend, or your coworker?

As much as I admire your wanting to help her, remember that you can't help someone who refuses to take responsibility and blames others. And even though YOU may be good at recognizing and getting out of enabling relationships, SHE isn't (from what you've written).

No matter what you do, she may still end up blaming you, and there's not much you can do about that.

I'd suggest that you simply lay out the facts, as you see them. But I don't think it's possible to be the bearer of bad news (her job performance sucks) AND be her friend at the same time. But there are ways to tell her that are perhaps easier for her to hear. Focus on what the needs for the JOB are, and let her figure out if she's not up to it. Tell her it's OK to ask for help or suggestions, and especially let her know that you want to see her succeed. She'll need to find someone else to be her friend, if she's looking for sympathy.

One is kind of screwed if one is human, eh?

I appreciate your advice, and your approach reminds me of one of our colleagues, who was able to very successfully walk a fine line when "talking her down".

I do think she'll end up blaming me, because she will certainly need to blame somebody. I'm also a convenient scapegoat because I'm agitating on another issue, which is causing a headache to our administrators. Oh well. The good thing for me is that it doesn't bother me so much when people "don't like me". What a blessing, honestly.

I'll be checking in with her early next week, and until then, I'm letting things marinate. Who knows what conclusions she'll reach on her own.

Thanks for your thoughts.

'Cause I would just tell her to quit, maybe throw in a line about seeing a doctor (or three), and extricate myself from any further anything that involved her. Woman needs to grow up. A lot. And learn how to organize, prioritize, master a little concept called time management, not to mention, as you say, communication. Empathy and emotional depth would help, too. The state that you describe her to be in sounds like one of immaturity, ankle-high self-esteem, and some major, major mental health issues left over from a dysfunctional upbringing that could take years to resolve. An effort she needs to make on her own, in my opinion--based on how much work I personally have had to do to fix my head after realizing it was in a similar condition and...I'm sorry, but I don't think I was ever as bad off as your friend sounds like she is. What is she...12? (And don't even ask me what I think about her extreme emotional reactions to normal stress and constructive criticism, except--do you know if she's abusing drugs?) I'm just saying, I don't think there's much you can do for her. She's severely broken and needs to take the time to repair herself, develop some serviceable interpersonal skills, and possibly get treatment for things like depression, anxiety and other problems--in long. term. therapy.

I can't even have people who are that depthless (and rude) in my life anymore. Everyone around me needs to have an emotional and intellectual age of 25 years minimum. Your colleague? Is someone I would run away from.

The more I lean in your direction. I'll see where I am at the end of the week, which is when I said I'd let her know about my schedule, since she said she wanted to talk.

Truth is, the stakes for blowing this gig are high for her. Not for me. I'm a worker bee in this scene, and though she needs someone *like* me, she doesn't need me.

And I certainly don't need any more of this kind of treatment from a colleague, particularly since this is not mandatory duty.

1) I have some concerns.
2) To me, you seem more upset than I would expect from previous experience. I am concerned that you may be having difficulty coping with something as yet unknown to me.
3) I do not believe that the last project was handled effectively. Inclusive to this is (List 2 reasons why)
4) I do not believe that you behaviour, as per the attempted missapropriation of funds, was ethical.
5) Finally, I am quite concerned about your interpretation of presented information; in fact, you said the tension could be cut with a knife, when it was clear to me that this was far from the truth.

(If she thinks it is you, remind her of no-one taking up the fights she tried to pick)

(Now, here is the important bit)

I would like to know your own explanation for each of these items.

(There could, after all, be some reason you have not considered, and the conversation can move from there - I would also probably be helpful to have these written down (or add your own, but I suggest leaving 5 as the last one) and to actually speak the numbers)

Just my $0.05

Do you mind if I copy all this down on a little 3 x 5 card? I'm seriesss!!!111

Honestly, this is really useful feedback, and I intend to incorporate all of this into my discussion with her. We shall see how far we go...

If she is a co-worker, it isn't your job to fix her or save her job. This may sound a tad heartless, but people like this are sometimes good at throwing shit onto others and putting their jobs at risk. Is she worth it?

I would suggest the option of bowing out of the project. She is sabotaging it, and (again, coldheartedly) it's good not to get associated with flame-out projects, even if you were one of the few people getting results. You certainly don't need the stress of of working with someone who takes out her problems on co-workers in so many ways (passive-agressively, by making you all wait and wait for her to get out the itineraries and then wait again at the airport; agressively by being verbally hostile, and emotionally manipulative by throwing a fit in public, in the car, crying, etc). Of course you can be nice about it - being nice is the one the best revenges - but you do not have to carry this person's water. You just worry about your work!