Okay, lounge. I need some advice.

We have a neighbor who has a child that underwent cancer surgery. During that period, they were almost evicted, had their van repossessed, etc., I stepped in and basically supported them for four months and am still making their car payment.

My friends want me to cut them loose because they haven't offered any good thoughts, or anything towards us since my husband had his surgery, or for that matter since my FIL died.

I want to do the right thing here, but Mike is going to be on disability for at least 90 days and therefore, he is not making his full salary. We can still afford to make the payment, but my friends think I am being a patsy.

And, one more thing. This friend cleans houses. My friends think that the least she could do is offer to clean the house because she knows we have someone come and clean once a week.

Opinions?

Time to take care of you and your husband. You've done a wonderful thing.

Let them know about the new financial situation you're in... see what they say.

What do you want to do?

One option is to tell them about the new financial situation, and make the suggestion that if they still need the help, that they could take over the housekeeping duties, so that you can continue to help...

Not sure what to say, really.

Good luck, midlo, and glad your husband's home and recovering.

Let them know that the current situation needs to change because you can't afford this any more. Tell them you're still there for moral support and see what happens.

It could be that they have avoided talking to you about your situation because they feel guilty or dependent or uncomfortable with the current situation. Nobody likes needing charity. So cutting them loose might end up improving your relationship with them.

can totally change how that family 'operates'. The parents could be totally immersed in still trying to just get their heads wrapped around the child's diagnosis. They may need counseling.
Just my 2 cents.

They feel that they could have dropped us a card or come to FIL's wake, or something. Anything. I don't really care about the money honestly, but I don't want to be taken for a fool either. Doesn't set well with me.

And, one thing, this child's cancer dx was a year ago. So, it isn't new news.

I'm stumped, frankly.

Even a year down the road.

read my previous post, you've been used and talking to the users won't change anything, it just gives them another chance to talk you out of more money

the best way to save yourself is to cut off all contact and if there is any way to collect the "loan" you will have to stand in line with the rest of the bums' creditors

you don't want dishonest people "cleaning" your house, that is just a recipe for more trouble, what do you do when they start "borrowing" stuff and you can't call the cops because oh woe you feel sorry they have a sick child?

If you or the spouse feel screwed, cut the neighbors loose. Otherwise do what your heart tells you is the right thing.

condition, then suggest that you could continue helping them financially, if she could help you around the house, cleaning, etc. That since you have someone come once a week, you could give her the money instead, but that you won't be able to continue the current level of support.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do! :hug:

Obviously. :D

But I don't think you need to be making the payment anymore. No need to be springing it upon them, but no need to keep it up anymore, especially in light of recent events.

Good luck--and I hope your husband only continues to improve.

:hug:

nothing good can come of talking it out, it just gives the grifters more opportunity to get their hands on more of the poster's money

read my other posts

there is nothing to talk abt, it is a sad thing to say, but even sociopaths and grifters can have sick children and they don't hesitate to use them in furtherance of the grift

due to your own financial issues, but give them enough notice so they can find alternative support or dupport themselves. I think a month's notice is fair.

I know you will decide what makes the most sense to you.

I had a friend going through something analagous recently. You can only be so saintly for so long before you're getting stepped on.

something similar happened to me, you have been robbed, they will never pay back the money, they will not help you with the cleaning, now that illness has struck YOU they can't get far enough away and pretend you don't exist

the exact same thing happened to me really so my heart goes out to you

i've learned NEVER EVER give any form of money aid to a neighbor, nothing good comes of it, you get used and the money you could use when you get sick (i had a cancer scare), guess what, you are not going to be able to get it back so you can help yourself

people stink

the sad thing is that decent people who have health/financial issues hide it, it's only the lowlifes like your neighbor and my friend who use illness as an excuse for a grift

you are never getting anything back but a broken heart and a feeling of being used, don't even try, oh i know, you will try -- and you'll end up being screwed out of more money at a time you need them most

since you're a good person, you won't be able to follow my advice, but i really wish you would, just as i wish i had known to take this advice when i was younger -- cut the bums off right now, today, and if you have anything in writing about the money you loaned, try to collect it through the legal system -- oddly i turned over the part of my loan that i had in writing to a collection agent and she actually got a tiny bit of it back -- but don't expect anything

i hate it, why do people do this?

don't be surprised if you eventually learn there was no cancer surgery for the child either -- and maybe no cancer!

in future NEVER give money directly to a neighbor or friend who solicits, give ONLY if they have a proper medical or disaster aid account set up through their bank through which you can contribute to their costs, it is just too easy (and it's free) to do things through proper channels if they have conscience and it isn't just a grift

why do we all have to learn the hard way?

you are indeed a patsy, and it's sad, our soft hearts seem to guarantee that genuine cases of need, where people would actually be grateful, go unmet -- because we have already spent all our free cash on the bold, uncaring, conscience-free grifters of the world

I donate to charity, I also help friends, neighbors and family out when I can (even at my very modest amounts) but the lesson in helping someone is not to expect anything in return. You help or give because you WANT to. Not because you feel you are buying into a co-op.

I feel more fulfilled when I help out someone I know than write a check to a charity.

That being said, the OP has been MORE than generous. Do not feel guilty for letting them know that your financial support will be phased out due to your own circumstances. For your own sanity, when you give to another out of charity, just give because you want to, don't let your friends tell you what you should get in return, the point of charity is that you have something to give to someone that needs it. You should never feel bad for giving to someone and then not giving. You should also try not to feel bad (I know it is hard) that you didn't get support from the recipients as you might have hoped.

Despite pitohui's experiences, I have found that neighbors, family and friends do rally around to help when one is down. It might not be recipricated on a one to one bases, but karma usually does come back around. You have been great, do what you need to do.

Let's call it the 'high path.'

However true it may be that you're able to help them with a car payment, you need to make your own family's issues a priority and to me, that also means gathering in all your resources. Your assistance with their payment may be a necessity to them, but it's a luxury for you and this is not a time to indulge in luxuries.

But if you're going to drop them, don't do it cold turkey. Try not to think of yourself as having been taken advantage of, your kind gift of a helping hand in a time of need is not 'taking advantage,' and I've always been taught that giving with the expectation of some reciprocity is hardly a gift at all.

So, I guess if I were in your shoes, I'd look for some way to help them find the assistance they need some other way. Maybe there are local state or church-run programs than can provide some temporary assistance to them. Maybe they need to look into trading their vehicle in on something they're better able to afford at this time. The possibilities are limitless, but there's no need for them to explore other options if you're generously willing to ease their burden without suggestion that it's in any way an imposition.

What are your immediate thoughts on this, and what are your immediate intentions as to what you feel?

If you can afford it, if you think it helps them, if that is not outweighrd by their lack of gratitude, then keep doing it.

I don't want to demonize them or you without knowing the full story here, what the arrangement was or what they perceived it to be. I mean, I can see how their child's health crisis would have warped their normal emotional reactions (including gratitude) and I think that your desire to stop the payments because of your husband's health crisis is valid no matter what the couple has or hasn't done to or for you. But if you've been doing this for a while with no end in sight, just a polite, "Hey, you heard about my husbands heart condition right..." kind of explanation before you tell them "time's up" seems like the best way to handle this (mainly because that will minimize whatever guilt you may feel about revoking your financial support).

that's not how I operate. I do admit, however, that being human, I think their lack of empathy towards me and our situation is off-putting. We CAN still make their car payment for them; it isn't an issue.

What is an issue to me is that when faced with the greatest health crisis of my life; people I had never done anything for rallied for me in support, as I would have for them; these people didn't so much as offer a "We'll pray for you". That bugs me. I guess I'm not as empathetic as I would like to think, but it does bug me. I'm not looking for an 'attaboy', but just tell me you will pray for my husband to survive the surgery.

It doesn't cost one red cent to be compassionate in spirit and given that I have given them literally THOUSANDS over the last year to keep a roof over their heads and feed their kids and get them to NYC for surgery and followup, it kind of bugs me.

I hope that doesn't make me petty, but maybe it does and I will have to live with that.

It makes you human. Almost all of us would feel the same way. The people that rallied around you did so because they care about you, just as you have cared about your neighbors. The people that rallied around you did so because you have made connections with them and they know you, value you and love you. Just as you have done for your neighbors.

I understand your feelings. The decision is yours and this is really one of those decisions where no matter which way it goes, you have no fault. You can decide that you have the means and this is something that you want to do, or you can decide that your neighbors might be getting too used to your generosity and you need scale it down. No matter what you decide, you have been and will continue to be a very generous, kind hearted person that looks out for those around her.

It makes them look like takers.

In times of crisis, you find out who your real friends are.

They may be too embarrassed. it is for the child not for them. Remember how you would like to be treated.

poster, tell them you are done and be done with it. You could, if you need to use that money to help someone who actually appreciates it.

I have 2 quick stories, both relevant.

1). Old neighbor, son diagnosed with Wilms (it is heartbreaking to see a 2 yr. old with no hair due to chemo). She got behind in bills, but always managed $100.00 sneakers for the kids, etc. I got Lyme disease and was out of work when she for the 2nd time was going to have the electric shut off and told by the teachers they would have to report her to Child services (I, not working, put out $300 + on a credit card (I hoped that the interest would wake her up (she monetarily screwed me before), but alas no). I did it for the kids, not her!

Guess what, she said to stop by 9 times for a partial payment, I left without a cent, but she spent $300 on her daughters bday party the last time!

2). Another Lyme affected woman, when you are sick with a seriously disabling disease that has not been mainstreamed yet, you bond to those in your support group as I did her. She had only one daughter who at one point said I was her best friend (it was not a ploy on the child's part, but sad because the entire family was suffering the Lyme illness) because the other kids couldn't understand her (the child's) situation. Anyway, the mom was going to have the gas shut off, and I was still not working, asked to borrow $ (she wanted $700.00, I said $600.00, I agreed to $700.00 after she swore on the Holy Bible to repay me) and she was to pay me back $50.00 per week starting the next month.

Not one payment, or phone call (after a yr of nightly calls), after that. I finally badgered, cause, I'm not working and can't afford to pay their bills, I am single and the sole income, so she wrote me a check for $50.00 which bounced for another $10.00. I finally called her husband and told him what had happened (because I didn't want them to misunderstand the lack of communication between he and his daughter), he told his daughter and they both informed that they were Po'd at her and she had already decided and proceeded to go into bankruptcy before she had borrowed the money from me.

It is those of us that don't use and abuse those around us, that will do what we can to help others, but, my new decision is I'll be damned if I go bankrupt for someone else! I live very frugally (less than $11.00 in cable fees) so that I don't have to worry as much as others, but, they will try to dig that last penny out of your pocket (while spending $80.00 on cable).

At this point in time, upon reflection, both mothers (by the way not single mom's either), had financially worn out their family and friends, that should have been the first clue.

And, as far as being a good Christian, maybe, their lesson was to pay their bills and provide for their own children. You don't spend $100 on sneakers, if it's winter and your electric will be shut off the next week. There are players galore in this world, and I still help people, but, my assistance to individuals has been severely reduced, give it to charitable organizations that are better at meting out the alms.

We all should have neighbours like you. I was brought to tears by a coworker who brought me some ginger ale, made me some soup and tidied up my kitchen when I'd been sick for a few days. You really need to be commended for stepping in the gap when they needed it

I'm not sure what their problem is. Perhaps their crisis has made them focus inward, and they've lost sight of how one should properly react. Perhaps they have no manners...or maybe they aren't the friends you thought they were.

You need to talk to them. Tell them you were hurt by their lack of compassion, and that you thought your friendship meant more than that. Don't bring up the money.

After you talk to them decide what you want to do. It sounds to me, like they still need your help but only you can decide if it still feels right. :hug:

I never lend money. If I have it, I give it, free and clear with no expectation of getting it back.

It sounds as if you have done the same thing and you are not expecting to be repaid. That said, it's extremely difficult for people to accept gifts of the sort you have given. It becomes difficult or impossible for them to say thank you or acknowledge the gift.

I think what you need to do is give them a cut-off date along with suggestions of where they might be able to get some continuing financial help.

or gratitude to your face, it will come back to you. You can sleep at night knowing you did something nice for someone. Either you're repaying a kharma debt or you're getting stock options on something you'll need later on.

Tell them your situation has changed and you have to stop after next month... that's all. Say it with a humble smile and ask them to keep you posted on their kid's progress. I'm sure you wouldn't have done it if they weren't nice people.

Just leave it up to the universe. While they themselves may not be able to pay back the kharmic debt, everything evens out in ways you cannot always expect.

You did a real nice thing.

paying you back a couple of times, fine, but don't be a dick about it or hold your breath because you probably won't see it ever again.

I don't 'loan', I give.

great advice, this is what I have decided.

I am going to continue to pay their car note. Obviously it is more important to them than it is to me. Their inability to reach out, even a teensy bit isn't their fault and they need their car.

So that's what I am going to do. Thank you everyone.


Oh, and the delicious irony about this is they are Bushbots. hee hee hee

You didn't step in to help because you expected something in return, right? I know it's hard times right now, but if you truly can afford to continue making the payment, i'd do so.

Perhaps you can gently mention the things that have crossed your mind. If you feel you need to, you can nudge the neighbor toward recognizing that at least some thanks, and asking about your husband, your family, your health, might be polite.

Finally, ignore the people in your life who say you should quit paying, or at least you should demand something in return. If you feel you should, fine. But follow your OWN heart.

I'm an atheist -- and i'm certainly not throwing this at you as something you should consider -- but i keep thinking about Jesus and his teaching about helping people. :shrug:

I have decided to keep paying it.

I think I was a little hurt, frankly. Mike's prognosis, while great right now, wasn't so when he was diagnosed and my friends and neighbors totally rallied in support. They have been bringing meals, carting my kids places, my best friend from college is here to help.

So, I think seeing her over and over at school and having her say nothing to me was a little hurtful.

But, I am going to take the high road. It's what us dems do, isn't it?

:hug:

And I just read your latest update.

My strongest best wishes are with you. :hug:

That would also be a great opportunity for them to thank you and offer their condolensces/thoughts for your husband. At this point it doesn't really matter if they say anything nice but it would be great if they did.

You can't help them anymore so you have to let them know that.

That is what I would do.

I wish you the best.

fellow man is outstanding. I wish I was in a position to help some folks around here. Your reward is in your heart.

Best wishes to you and your family. I hope and pray your husband continues to get better and enjoys a wonderful Father's day, with many more in his future.


sincerely.

aA
:hug:
kesha.

afford it anymore, you have NO reason to feel bad.

Redstone