A "White Marriage"; could you live with it?

"White" as in, a sexless marriage. In this context, if it were simply because your partner was able, but not interested, in having a sexual relationship at some point, would you stay in it? A friend of mine related the story of a couple in their fifties whom she knew that had a close, affectionate relationship, but simply had no interest in sex, anymore. If your partner loved you, was otherwise affectionate, and a great friend, could you live out the rest of your life married to a person who no longer wanted that aspect of your relationship? I reiterate, I'm talking about celibacy by CHOICE- not by physical or psychological/ mental impairment.

If everything else about the relationship was good, then I could do it. I don't place a whole lot of importance on sex in a relationship, personally- and fortunately neither does my SO. While sex is great, I could live without it.

but I don't blame him. I wonder if there's a male-female disparity in this, though...

or they may not. I don't know if it would be more male/female as much as older/younger or maybe something else entirely- and some people, male and female, just naturally have low sex drives.

Abandon all hope all ye who enter here? Forever? I don't think I could agree to that.

Maybe I'd change my mind when I'm 50. :shrug:

At my age, I can't imagine living like that from here on out, either. I don't think I could do it.

If you enjoy sex, you won't be eager to give it up at 50, trust me on this. ;-)
Unless, of course, there are health issues. If my guy couldn't, I would have to accept that.

I'll take your word for it. ;)

It's part of the ballgame in my opinion. So to speak.

I think there's such a huge range in frequency over the course of a marriage, that it matters more at some points and less at others.

so to speak...

Right now my wife is pregnant with our second child and lets just say she's ramped up her need for sexual activity. Then after the baby we'll probably not have sex again for months and months and months what with healing and being tired.

GO!!!!

LOL

The ol' drive just isn't the same! :)

I don't believe I'd want to go the rest of my life doing without, though.

I certainly have not found that to be true.

My hubby and I are in our late fifties and we average four times a week! I guess practice makes perfect. My husband says that's how he wants to die. Of course, I will have to explain to the judge about my "triple spin". :rofl: :blush:

:evilgrin:

I'll die without having it as well.

Let's suppose somebody did want me and, 20 years later, it got to that point.

Love is about the other person. Not one's self. What's left to say?

NO matter why it was sexless....

I cannot nor will I live without sex, or love.....

If for whatever reason sex vanished from my marriage, I would most likely pursue it somewhere else....

I would definitely not terminate my marriage, though....

We've been married for far too long, and get along so well that it would be a crime to leave him over sex....

Just my 2 cents.....

That aspect with my partner is what makes him special above anyone else and is something I don't share with anyone else. I want it all (sex within the framework of a loving, committed relationship)and would do everything possible to save it if things were not working. It's not the only thing, but an important part of our relationship; something only for us to share. I doubt it's a choice either of us will make. We might not be going at it quite as much at 75 or 80, but I'd like to think that if we're physically capable, it would still be something we'd enjoy together at times.

Tis not for me.

I'm out the door looking to fill my quota. But then again, I ain't married either. My baby is freaky like me though.

I might have an issue with NO sex. Rare sex--I could probably live with. But NO sex--zilch, zip, nada, never--could get, um, interesting.

:shrug:

:D

It's not the biological act, it's the closeness which develops as a result of the act. I've been in a marriage where I've been his "friend" for a long time. Somebody showed me that wasn't enough. Somebody is gone, but I must leave the marriage.

I think that we can grow accustomed to anything and believe it to be enough. I'm not going to settle any more.

I'm glad you've come to some sort of decision about it, though.:hug:

Now watch me be alone for the rest of my life and never have sex again!

For like 40 years.

I know nothing of the reasons, though. I've got a hypothesis, but...

I wouldn't expect it three times a day but would appreciate the opportunity to pursue it at least once a year, if nothing else when I am older.


And I'd need a more exact definition of their idea of celibacy. There is more to sex than just the act and a wide range of what is considered to be affectionate. I'd want the winks, the nods, the inside jokes. I'd want the touches, the kisses, the soft caresses.

Let's face it-sex is really in the mind. If celibacy meant blocking out all forms of affection that could be construed as even remotely sexual in nature then no, I could not live with that. If celibacy meant keeping all options open EXCEPT for that one little act, then maybe I could think about it. Maybe.

You kidding...

I'm with peggy....

I would have to persue it if I wasn't gettin' it...

Where you find a marriage without sex, you will soon find sex without a marriage.

Actually, this explains a few people I know.

mikey_the_rat

Mrs R and I both are only half-white.

And furthermore no, in the context of your original post, either. Just no.

Redstone

No way in hell would I do it again. I don't even understand the point.

This means that sometimes my marriage is sexless. Sometimes it's sexy too, but let's face it, sometimes the kids get in the way. Sometimes we're just exhausted and sometimes we're tired for a long time.

Sex is a part of marriage, but anyone who has a marriage that depends on sex is definitely missing something. I think there are probably many celibate marriages that are very good marriages.

I loved my wife before I had sex with her; I love her now that I have had sex with her; I will always love her with or without sex; she is my best friend. I can't imagine us choosing a celibate lifestyle, but nonetheless at various times for various reasons in our long marriage we have had de facto celibacy. The time may come when we're very old and just can't carry on anymore. Still I will love and still want to be with my wife.

Fortunately for me my sexual memory is eiditic, and the past stays with me as a kind of permanent present. What has already been will forever be enough for a lifetime. I will die a happy man.

:hi:

Go give her a hug.


:hug:

I once had a relationship with a woman and we never had sex, but it turned out that's because she wanted to have sex with women, even though she was giving herself gold stars in heaven for being sexually pure within the narrow confines of her religion. The bigger problem was that I was too. She may not have wanted me sexually, but I sure wanted her! Is that celibacy?

My girlfriend essentially abandoned her religion and took off with a friend of mine, a woman, after we broke up. There was a time before we broke up that we'd rented a motel room with two beds, and we'd convinced ourselves that it would be best if the two of them shared a bed and I slept alone. Maybe that was the beginning... I don't know. Religious chastity makes strange bedfellows, or not, in my case.

So after we broke up I moped around for a long time feeling like dirt. We'd truly been friends of a sort even though I now look back and realize she'd taken advantage of me in many ways.

When I'd stopped feeling like dirt, I started dating, maybe for the first time. I was dating someone else when I met my wife. My wife was dating someone else too. But it was Love and Lust and Everything Else at First Sight between us, so we broke up with the people we'd been dating (my girlfriend at the time may actually have been relieved she wouldn't have to dump me -- I probably wouldn't have dumped well) and then my wife and I made a first date. We haven't really ever been apart since.

I say sex is a continuum because even if the physical machinery stopped working I don't think we'd stop being sexually intimate. Just because you don't have intercourse doesn't mean you are celibate. I don't see how we could untangle all the connections in our relationship to say one thing is sexual and another thing is not.

My personal answer would be no, if someone would not have sex with me I would not live with her, end of story.

I guess I find it interesting because someone close to me is basically on the verge of suicide because a penile injury has left him impotent, possibly for life. Sex is, well, pretty "fucking" important to a lot of people!

Obviously long-term relationships go through periods of more or less, and there might be long stretches of lack of interest on the part of one or the other, etc., I can handle that.

But NEVER? Nuh-uh. Only if for some reason I had to marry a dear platonic friend for a green card or health insurance or something and it was understood and fine that we'd have our own other relationships, that's the only circumstance I'd consider.

I wouldn't want to imagine our marriage without it, but if that's the decision we needed to make (rather than, say, opening it up or whatever) then that's what we would need to do.

Marriage is about so much more than sex. Then again, I can't imagine my husband and I splitting for any reason -- we have been through the worst possible already, and there is nothing we can't survive. (And I do mean the worst. As in mega disaster, financial crisis, infidelity, abuse, and hairballs in our slippers.)

As in "brown, the color of shit"

I choose NOT to be celibate. I'm very much a sexual being, and it's an important part of who I am. I would not be happy in a sexless relationship. Yes, marriage is about more than sex, but there are many components to a good marriage, and sex is one of them.

I guess it depends on your perspective and your sex drive as to whether a "white marriage" is a good choice. It would be the worst choice possible for me.

I gotta have it. :D

I ain't dead yet.

And by fair I mean: would allow and even encourage me to have sexual partner(s).

Otherwise no. I've been in a sexless marriage, and frankly, it's a hell of alot easier for me to do without when I'm singe than it is when I'm married (and therefore "should" be active).

...wait a few years.

and this would be a very low bar...

just saying...

It's more instinctive (sex) I think than habitual. Not sure on this one as I've always had and still currently a very active and healthy sex life. Don't know. Maybe it is just like a habit and like quitting smoking, once you quit after a while you don't miss it :shrug:

part of a relationship is sex. If you're not, um, "intimate," you're not dating, married, or whatever -- you're friends. Very good friends, perhaps, but friends nevertheless. Get divorced, stay friends, and find someone who reignites that spark. Because even in your 50s, it's still there.

You're supposed to have a sexual relationship when you're married. Why do you think most people get married? So they can live like monks?! I don't think so.

and for me, it's never been the most important part. If all of my other needs were satisfied, a White Marriage would be a-okay with me. Especially in my golden years. That HRT shit is not for me, so after menopause, I'm done. Hell, I'm done now. After age fifty or so, I would much rather be traveling the world, if it still exists, tending to my garden, my cats and my classes. Sex, especially at that late date, would be about as much a waste of time, money and health as I consider it to be at this time.

that the OP story-from-a-friend describes perfectly. My perspective? Print out this thread. Put it away. Look at in 2036. See how you feel. :rofl:

for money, security, fame, whatever, as long as they understand what they are getting into.

Oh--and aren't gay, of course.

:sarcasm: tag just in case someone misinterprets the last line...