How do you deal with someone with no self esteem?

Just got back from an evening with a friend. She has no self esteem and I got to hear about all the things she's bad at, all the awful things that are happening to her, etc. I've tried being positive. I've tried the kick in the ass approach. Neither seem very effective. I realize that I can't fix her problem, just trying to make life bearable.

Then walk away. This kind of problem can be a significant drain on your own resources and self esteem.

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x(

After all, you don't dump a person lightly. It's just as bad as suicide. x( x( If not worse, people do kill themselves when they think perceive they've been treated so casually.

suggesting she get professional help is the best advice. He hardly suggested that he "dump" her lightly. Sometimes, you do have to walk away from people who require too much from you as a friend. Depending on the circumstances and the relationship, walking away can be the healthiest thing, and might just lead her to seek the professional help she needs.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Really.

My only regret is not having clarified my POV beforehand. But I was hoping people would have noted the sarcasm without the need to spell it out as such.

She does need help but she will only bring you down with her.

You can't help someone who will not be helped.

That is why you are hanging on.

So you're suggesting I only maintain friendships with people who don't have problems. I suppose that narrows the pool quite a bit.

If so, that could get to be frustrating for friends.

I had a bad week. I posted a thread on it...I was completely down, but it seems like things are picking up again...I was considering seeking help, because the depression seemed constant, but I'm thinking I likely won't need it.

But if she starts showing ANY signs of suicidal depression, then she likely needs professional help. It's really a matter of support and whether she has it or not.

It depends on how close a friend she is. Have her confide in you if possible. Do what your doing. Talk her out of any stupid decisions. Convince her to seek professional help if needed.

And ultimately, the most important thing I've realized about depression and really low self esteem is perspective and how being depressed can sap you of it. It's important to realize that no matter how great your problems may seem, others have even greater problems and they cope. That may or may not help her, but it did sort of help me as I thought of my problems a bit more.

Though it's worse at times. She can go days without leaving her house. I try to invite to her to things, but either she won't come or she comes and brings everyone down.

I can't fix her problems, more looking for coping techniques (for me). She has been in therapy in the past, but not now as far as I know.

For the record, other friends have totally pushed her away for "being a downer." This make things worse.

but I have low self esteem, and if I were annoying my friends, i'd appreciate it if they told me before I ruined our friendship.

Maybe this is a good time for you to examine why you love your friend. And if you have a chance to tell her why before she starts in on herself, it may prove to be an eye-opener to her. :hug:

and has been for a long, long, LONG time (decades, in fact). At first, I really felt sorry for her. However, she has used her negative attitude to get attention for far too long, and after suggesting she get some outside help and being ignored, I decided to leave it alone. She has gotten to the point where she actually enjoys griping and bitching about everything bad that's happening to her (way exaggerated, btw), all the negative things about life, etc. I have chosen not to be around her, so we see her as little as possible. Hubby also has had enough. It's pitiful that she has chosen that way to get attention, but she's not going to make things better by bitching about them.

It's a process. So no, in that sense, you can't fix it and you can't really make her life bearable.

But as a friend, you don't have to agree to her negativity about herself, either.

Sometimes just smiling instead of agreeing is enough of a challenge to that kind of thinking. When one of my buddies goes negative, sometimes I just say, "I wonder why you'd say something like that about you" in the mildest way possible. I don't listen to lists and lists of tragedies and shortcomings -- not good for him, not good for me. :)

EXACTLY. :(

Some people get say extremely negative things about themselves or about others when they're stressed out and the translation is simply, "I'm really, really stressed out right now." It's not a lifestyle they choose or a choice they make.

A skilled therapist might catch it. A friend might be able to take the edge off a little by being supportive. A wholesale intervention doesn't work because there's always the next time that stress comes around. Small supportive gestures over time can help a great deal.

my parents never had a kind word for me, and my childhood was hell because of it. when you're told over and over how worthless you are- you tend to believe it.
i'm also physically unattractive, and with a hand deformed from birth- so the other kids weren't much help growing up either.
it can all leave you with a bit of a bitter taste about people and life...but mostly yourself.

but i'm sure that nobody here ever had an unkind word for other kids while growing up...right?

:shrug:

Doesn't feel sure you'll always be her friend therefore makes up tragic situations? Probably was criticized alot. Abandonment issues--has she suffered alot from them? Is she from a family of overacheivers? Does she join groups?

if she's "fishing"--wanting you to say she isn't bad at those things.

Same as sometimes women say they need to lose weight, wanting their co-workers, friends, whatever, to say they don't need to.

If she's always been this way, odds are you can't help. If it's a phase and you really care about her, then ride it out by simply listening. I'm very grateful for my friends this year. They've made all the difference for me.

My husband's ex wife plays this game. They demand plenty of attention. You must be a good person to continue trying to be friends. They sap strength and I don't have much to spare.
Good luck.

Maybe the person I coldly responded to earlier was right after all.

I personally would pull back in the friendship. I would wish them well and would be available for chats on the phone but I don't want to be the person telling them daily (hourly) how smart, pretty, good natured, fantastic they are.

she said she appreciated it! She didn't think she could go back to college.
She has applied for a PELL grant, last I heard! :thumbsup:

"A State of Mind"

If you think you are beaten, your are
If you think you dare not, you won't,
If you like to win, but don't think you can
It's almost a cinch you won't

If you think you'll lose, you're lost
For out in the world you find,
Success begins with a fellow's will
It's all in a state of mind

For many a game is lost
Ere even a play is run,
And many a coward fails
Ere even his work is begun

Think big and your deeds will grow
Think small and you'll fall behind
Think that you can and you will
It's all a state of mind

If you think you are out-classed, your are
You've got to think high to rise
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize

Life battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the fellow who thinks he can!

Author Unknown



Poem from http://www.ellenbailey.com/themes/selfesteem.htm

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