Constructive criticism needed.

I got a call from a friend on our high school reunion committee, requesting I do some writing- a top ten list and a poem, for a memory book they're making for our reunion, next month. What do you think of this poem, for the end of the book?


"Farewell Ode to the Class of ‘96

And so, we bid a fond farewell,
and wish our friends the best of luck.
May you all be healthy, clean, and safe,
May the next ten years be low on “suck”.

May you always have what makes you smile
Be it a monster truck, or a gal named “Lyle,”
whether farming salmon, or waiting tables,
writing legislature, or designing ketchup labels.

Laugh and enjoy yourself, in the coming years,
Relive your hockey glory, to imaginary cheers.
Become the dorks our parents were. Do it with a grin.
After all, in ten more years, we’ll all be old as sin.

While our butts get large, and our hair recedes,
And our faces wrinkle, and our fiber needs
increase exponentially as time goes by,
We’ll never forget our years at ____ High!"

If you want some constructive criticism, the third line of verse 3 doesn't scan. It stands out because the rest of the poem does.

:thumbsup:

I think I can fix that. Thanks, Billy!

:D

:)

:thumbsup:

and my slight little nitpicky red-pen suggestion is to take out the commas in the middle of the first two lines in stanza three.

:thumbsup:

I had barely looked at the punctuation...:thumbsup:

you, can, never, have, too, many, commas, unless; you; replace; them - with: semi-colons (and: dashes)

from "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" ;)

but shouldn't that be
Yeats, Hemingway, and Whitman?

or maybe

Welles, Hemingway, and Whitman

I detest Hemingway. :D

ah, if only you weren't already married :loveya: :P:

He was the first 'writer' that came to mind who fit 'shoots'. Although, actually I think Hemingway is a good, or great, writer, except that he does not know how to end a story. Since he refuses to allow a happy ending, he has to make it end with some kind of natural disaster, a literary Pompeii or mass suicide, like Jonestown.

ps - Did I use enough commas in my 3rd sentence?

;)

I can't criticize Hemingway's style. I cannot stand the misogyny and machismo.

and just say "labels".
Also, hockey could be changed to "sports" (although that leaves out band, chorus, theater, debate and the one time the chess club had a bench clearing brawl. Hey, some of us were teenage dorks.)

Otherwise I thought it was very neat. :thumbsup:

thrown off and likewise with changing hockey to sports...


just sayin'





and oh yeah
















:thumbsup:

:eyes:

The other sports, not so much.

or maybe "hockey wins" could be used. "hockey glory" just feels like a speed bump to me.

But that was part of it, I was not sure why hockey was singled out. My Dakota school did not even have hockey. It was a separate program, sorta like American legion baseball.

...Relive your glory days, to imaginary cheers.


and I think "ketchup" needs to stay
(comic relief)

O8)

:spray:









:spank:
















:rofl:

I'll be here every Monday night till closing.







* "here" of course being Paris adult video, books, and toys, out on Hwy 190 just past the city limits.

she put it there for a reason obviously. Likewise with "hockey", I'd imagine.

I kinda tripped over both words. They mess up the meter IMO, but, of course, I really do not know squat about meter.

You are charmingly witty....

and the word "designing" has one too many syllables - I'd put in "making"

Also, the rhyme pattern of the first stanza (abcb) doesn't match the other stanzas (aabb).

The rhythmic pattern of stanza three is all over the place, and not consistent within itself nor with the other stanzas, which are, for the most part, in a constant iambic tatrameter.

The last line of the last stanza also has too many syllables - of course, I don't know how many syllables the school name has, but I'd get rid of "our years at", and just go with "We'll never forget _____ high". If the school name has just one syllable, then put "senior" between the name and high. If it has two syllables, then say "We'll always remember ____ high". If it has three syllables, then go with "We'll never forget ______ high".

You begin with ABCB... then switch to AABB for the last three stanzas.

I'm sure you're not aiming for a deep, philosophical reflection on the class of 1996. So, good work! :hi:

Writer.

With that change it's wonderful.

If you leave it in, it's horrible.

:P


Who knew you were such a wonderful poet!

:bounce:


I like your little poem. :hi:

Class of '96...unite!

And I liked the poem too, though I second the comment about "legislation" instead of "legislature".

:hi:

'96 rules! :bounce:

"All the World and it's trials and tribulations is a mere matter of..
Context,context,context. "