I'm having a bit of a problem...

Mr. Writer and I got into a fight... won't get into the details but it wasn't a petty argument, nor was it pretty...

Mr. Writer approached me, throwing things and slamming my laptop down in front of me on the bed and flipping it over...

I told him to leave several times, but he did not...

Finally he left... I have locked all doors to the master BR and am holed up here with my laptop and books...

I have placed a set of clothes on the floor outside the door and his shampoo. There's a guest BR and bath he can use...

We haven't argued like this in a very long time. I don't understand why he became the way he did. He is a very good person and typically does not act like this, but he crossed the line. Although he is somewhat emotionally immature at times. I hate kicking out a husband but I think the way he approached me was self-destructive and I will not tolerate even the hint of violence.

I have no one to talk to. I am crying a bit. I don't like posting this level of personal information on the Internet, but I'm not sure what to do here. I come from an abusive past that I also don't speak of too much - much of which I have more than overcome. I sometimes don't know what is/is not correct because the norms I grew with permitted more abuse than was acceptable to me. Maybe it's too harsh, but I feel that I must make my boundaries clear - that this was simply unacceptable.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm sharing this...

Stay in there for a while. Let him cool down. You have every right to make him stay away from you until he realizes his behavior was horrific and entirely unacceptable. And see if you can get a friend, someone, on the phone/IM/whatever with you--people you ACTUALLY know will be of more help than us.

:hug:

who I can trust with this... which is why I would ever post something like this. In my family, what happened would have been "acceptable" behavior, I think. Our friends are mutual so it would be difficult for me to share this with them... and it is highly atypical of Mr. Writer. But it's still sad.

What I mean is, if he doesn't usually do anything like this at all, he'll probably calm down fairly quickly, and listen to reason.

Good luck--hang in there!

;)

and if you feel safe by his sleeping in the guest room tonight, then so be it.

I just hope he doesn't get worse when he sees the clothes on the floor.

Maybe he's hurt or jealous.( I may be off base)
Not at all taking his side specially if he is abusive in any way.
Talking is always better..
I hope only the best for you.
:)

Oh I promise you it does not. I think the other gentleman is a crush that is quickly fading. Mr. Writer's work has been especially difficult lately. He failed to tell me about this so we've had to cancel a vacation at the last minute... (I'm avoiding details here) but it has put me in a very difficult position with my father.

On edit: Mr. Writer sometimes has issues dealing with confrontation. He delayed and delayed and delayed informing his boss that he intended to take time off next month... until the last minute. I honestly believe he was too scared to approach his boss with this during a busy time.

If he couldn't take the time, that's okay. I just wished I had known about this at least a few weeks ago when I made these arrangements with my dad!!! I voice my concerns... instead of listening he becomes defensive and passive aggressive. I feel ignored so I become agitated. He continues to ignore what I'm saying until it escalates. Then this...

The best advice I can give you is to Breathe and talk.
Relationships are really really tough..trust me..I am in a pretty tough one.
If you need to elaborate or vent feel free to Message me.
Sorry for your turmoil.
:hug:

I suspect that this is related to your thread from the other day....

But even if it isn't, still, you're in a scary place.

I strongly urge you to seek marriage counseling.

You're sharing with us because we are here for you....


:hug:

You more than deserve to be in a safe place, always....

what unfortunate timing that other thread was. That's what I get for being a bit open, I'm afraid.

I do assure you that this has nothing to do with that other individual. Mr. Writer and I have a wonderful life together other than this - I think that's why this fight was a bit of a shock. I believe I'm trying to figure out whether keeping separate for the night is a wise thing.

But thank you, as always.

I'm always trying to figure out things, and often I don't succeed.....

Your thread from the other night was helpful to me, if to no-one else...

Perhaps when Mr.Writer has settled down, you might re-open the door and talk to him.

But only if you feel safe...... :hug:

If there was, then THERE is the root of the problem.

Redstone

And an inability to deal with it... but that might be my emotions talking.

Further down the road, you might want to let your emotions talk to a Couples Counselor...but for now we are what you have.

I do, believe me, understand what you say about having nobody else to talk to.

I was going to go to bed but I'll stay up for a bit more just in case...No promises, but I'll do what I can.

Redstne

your words are very kind. That is all I ask. Thank you.

Redstone

:hug: for you.

I know that in women. Work with it pretty much every day. Use the PM feature if you feel you need to.

And not just with me; you have MANY friends here. You're one of us.

Redstone

If he does know then he did more than crossing over the line by approaching you in a threatening manner. He probably shattered your feelings of him being your shelter from life's storms. That's sad.

I would leave him locked out until I was sure he had calmed down to a level I was comfortable with. If that means all night, then so be it.

Whatever you decide to do, keep your safety priority #1.

and is very aware of my past. What's so weird is that after he approached me I confronted him with what he did. He stood there and said that he would never lay a finger on me. That was incongruent with how he acted... how else was I supposed to interpret what he did? I can't think of any other way.

f'ing stupid? good luck Writer. deep breaths.
no matter what, when someone is that aggressive you must draw the line. zero tolerance.

you would interpret it that way. I'd have done the same thing. Perhaps in his anger he just can't see that. Or he just doesn't want to admit it. Maybe he's truly sorry & ashamed of himself now.

No matter what he is feeling though, your feeling of being threatened is valid. He needs to respect that & learn from it.

:hug: I don't have any wise words to add. Just a :hug:

But I can give you :hug::hug::hug:
I hope all is well between you two soon...

On edit: He has since left the house. I don't know what he's doing at the moment... hopefully he'll come back calmed down. I just don't think I want to spend much time with him, though.

and most likely something he can't bring himself to talk about.

He needs help, but if he refuses to get it I think you have no responsible option to yourself but to end it.

Good luck. :hug:

there's this thing he does, though, that can be unbelievable disorienting. He has this clever way of disarming my complaints by ignoring what I have to say... or does so until the subject changes. Then we're back to chatting, pretending everything is okay without seriously addressing what I have to say.

It's so unbelievably disempowering! I get angry and frustrated thinking about it. That's what incites my own anger.

I'm sorry that I don't really have anything positive to add about it. I recommend counseling.

Hopefully you can figure this out better than I did.

:hug: I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

but with my husband on the other side of the door pounding at it until he put his fist through the cheap thing. That calmed him down somewhat.

Keep him out until you know for a fact that he is calm. And atypical or not, he may need help or you're going to end up where I am, getting a divorce and scared shitless.

If you need a place to be alone and safe tonight, and you don't have a friend's house for crashing or the money for a Motel 6, maybe you could hang out at a 24-hour place like a restaurant, get some coffee and bring a book or a journal to write out your feelings... or (=gasp=) walk around in a Walmart or whatever. Those are things I've done. But please don't stay someplace where you don't feel safe.


Good luck. :hug:

pm me if you wanna vent...i know the feelings you're having all too well. :hug:

please, if you need to, be in touch :hug:

and are still angry.
Try to release the anger and fear instead of nursing them.
If he knows what's good for him, he should come back with flowers or something else you'd like.
I have no advice, except don't let anger or fear make your decisions
:hug:

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

Just know that you did not deserve it. And you did nothing to provoke it. We are all responsible for how we handle our own emotions.

:hug:

He's back at home now. He knocked on my door and I didn't respond. I just don't feel like it right now.

While only you can judge the severity of the situation and what the appropriate reaction should be, my heart goes out to you. :hug:

I will judge all aspects of this, thank you.

17 years ago, I stupidly let myself be very near destroyed by physical abuse. I know the scars that can leave and the difficulty it can create in future relationships. Whenever Mrg used to raise his voice to me I would begin to cower. He would never lay a hand on me. :hug:

in terms of advice, I am sure others can address it much better than I can.

It's ok though, everybody gets into fights, sometimes pretty bad ones. It's emotional and difficult, for sure. We're all here and we all support you. Your DU friends care and you can always vent here if you need to. Just take care of yourself; do your best to calm down and relax. You did what you felt you had to do, for protection and to ensure that your boundaries were set. That was a smart move. You take care though, I'll keep you in my thoughts and everything. Don't hesitate to PM me, as well, I know lots of others have offered to. But you aren't alone, we all care and will be there for you if you need us. :) :hug:

I'm so bad at remembering to respond when others are in trouble... I hope I get many opportunties to return in kind.

best to allow the situation to calm down. You know if he seems calm and he wants to talk through the door it may be a good idea to let him know how you felt and that you love him etc, but it may be best to sleep apart for the night until you can address it with completely cool heads. But I definitely think you did the right thing, at the very least it allowed you two to get away from each other and stop the escalation of the fight.

:hug:

I just want to concentrate on the World Cup, Stephen Colbert and writing. Those are the three things that give me joy.

here is a hug for you, again :hug:

Let me know if I can be there for you too.

...And to care, as well. Stay safe. And we're here, such as that is.

I'm so sorry. Whatever you do, remember that his is unacceptable behavior. I know, sometimes when you're around it you come to think it's the way people act, on some level.

The weird little cult that is the DU Lounge is with you. :grouphug:

:hug:

More at each link, much more on web, search "domestic violence" or "what is domestic violence"

http://family-law.freeadvice.com/domestic_violence/domestic_violent.htm
What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is abuse between family members or related persons. Domestic violence may come in many forms: actual physical abuse, threats of physical abuse, emotional abuse, threatening telephone calls, disturbances at a place of employment, stalking, and other forms of dominance and control. Domestic violence is distinguished from other kinds of abuse because of the special relationship between the persons. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.abanet.org/domviol/mrdv/identify.html
When spouses, intimate partners, or dates use physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, harassment, or stalking to control the behavior of their partners, they are committing domestic violence. Physical violence includes putting your hands on a person against their will. It also includes shoving, pushing, grabbing, pulling, or forcing some one to stay somewhere. Regardless of the relationship between two people, using physical violence against someone is a crime.

Very few people identify themselves as abusers or victims. They may remain silent about the issue because of the havoc that domestic violence has created in their workplace and family lives. Victims may be silent about the abuse because of embarrassment or shame, or for fear that their batterers will hurt them if they tell other people about the violence. Abusers may minimize their actions or blame the victims for provoking the violence. Both victims and abusers may characterize their experiences as family quarrels that "got out of control."
------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.co.bergen.nj.us/ADV/WhatIsDomesticViolence.htm
Domestic violence is not a disagreement, an anger management issue, or a normal part of an intimate relationship. It is a systematic pattern of abusive behavior with intent to gain and maintain power and control over another person. This includes dating, partner, spousal, and elder abuse, as well as abuse between present or former household members. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of their race, religion, age, socio-economic background, level of education, or sexual orientation. Domestic violence is a crime.

Types of Abuse

Abuse is any behavior use to control or intimidate another person and can be verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual in nature.
Emotional/Psychological Abuse: Name-calling, put-downs, threats, stalking, intimidation, degradation, tracking time, isolating victim from family or friends, forbidding victim to work or participate in outside activities, sleep deprivation, interrogation, accusing, using money to control, threatening to "out" a gay or lesbian partner, harming pets, destroying property, throwing objects near victim.
Physical Abuse: Pushing, shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, biting, restraint, hair pulling, strangulation, pinching, burning, grabbing, shaking, scratching, spitting, using weapons, throwing objects at victim.
Sexual Abuse: Any non-consensual sexual act or behavior, including forced sex, unwanted touching, sexual degradation, and violence targeted at the genital area.

:yourock:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_violence/whathh_index.shtml
Facts and definitions

* What is domestic violence?
* Imagine what it's like
* Why this site refers mainly to women


Common myths

There are lots of myths and stereotypes about domestic violence. The facts are very different...

* She could just leave
* It mainly happens to poor women on council estates
* It's alcohol that causes men to be violent
* Abused women must have done something to deserve it
* Certain women attract violent men
* Abusers were abused themselves
* Violent men can't change
* Domestic violence is quite rare.
* If children don't see the violence, they won't be affected
* You shouldn't get involved in other people's rows
* Do violent song lyrics glorify domestic violence?

Get the f*** out-NOW! One violent act, even just tossing the laptop,
is one too many. Believe me it'll only get worse. Get out NOW and get
help. May the Deity of your choice guide you.

:hug:

There's no call for physical intimidation at any time, but I don't think anyone can gain enough knowledge from this thread to urge a permanent end to a relationship.

never apologize for sharing what's going on in your life. Good or bad, we're here for you.

Second, think long and hard. Don't let this turn into something that could escalate. You say it's out of character and things like that happen...but be careful. It's okay to forgive but don't forget.

I've been where you are and my situation escalated before it stopped. Then escalated again. Don't let it become a cycle...but it sounds like you know this all too well.

I'm sorry. Just know that we're here and that we care. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to.

Be careful and be safe.

:hug: