Need advice

I always say the wrong thing. I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but I do. Next weekend, I will visit my friend who is out on leave for cancer. They have lost a lot of weight, so I've already been warned about that. Besides trying not to look shocked when I see them, what other do's and don'ts should I be aware of?

Please be honest, because I am very nervous about saying or doing the wrong thing. Any help will be greatly appreciated!

please? Please don't make me go to any more cancer websites where they have pictures of pink and maroon tumors! I think I'm going to have nightmares now. Yes, I know I'm going to have nightmares.

But I'll give you some very useless advice, in hopes that the resulting bump will attract the attention of a better advice-giver. Talk to strangers, play with matches, if it happens there it can happen here, and STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE ARMY!

See? I'm a really bad person to get advice from.

Don't be afraid to mention it. If you have questions, ask. Offer your support, and just be you. If you say something you *think* you shouldn't have don't be afraid to apologize immediately. Let your friend know you feel awkward about saying the wrong thing - possibly even from the beginning of your visit. They WILL understand.

She is pretty tolerant of me, but this is life or death. She is literally fighting to save her life. It seems so different from situations before. I will apologize, immediately, if I say the wrong thing and let her know my concerns. Thank you for the advice.

Edit: grammatical correction

I'm having trouble following your pronouns. They seem to both be referring to the same singular person.

I was trying not to reveal her gender, but I screwed that up. It is a singular "she." English was not my first language and, often, it shows!

What was your first language?

I was born in Spain, and learned Spanish before English. I don't speak either well, I'm afraid. Yes, I know, I have a lot of problems, don't I? :crazy:

At least you're not this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zA1hyqA6UTY

And, it only heightened my anxiety about this meeting next weekend. Sorry to be such a downer...thanks for the youtube.

...your incessant apologizing. You don't have to apologize to me about something you did to someone else. You should apologize to that person directly, and then realize that it's over and you've done everything you can. There is no other answer.

i usually go w. something like "how are you doing?" and let them talk, some want to talk abt their symptoms and procedures while you listen, one friend really just wanted someone to sit there and watch teevee but just to have people around her, i think you have to let the patient take the lead

It will be hard for me not to try to take the lead, but I will remember your advice. Thank you, again.

My advice to you is that, when you see your friend, you should be honest.

Express your true feelings, whatever they are.

:)

often our true feelings are best kept hidden in a deep dark corner, esp. if they are shock and horror at how a disease has eaten our friend or family member

i remember at one point thinking, of my friend with lung cancer, i can't believe how quickly it has progressed to his brain, believe me, NOTHING positive was going to come of telling him that it was obvious that cancer had spread to his brain, as we all feared, he passed in his sleep a short while later but no use being all doom and gloom about it while he was still here

instead we focused on the positive, which is that he was able to quick smoking and was able to get out and about almost to the very end

my honesty tends to hurt. For instance, if I was honest, I would tell her she has already tried the "health food nut" approach, and she still got the cancer, so why is she eating like a little bunny rabbit??!!! Noooooo, I better not be honest. But, it would be good advice for someone who didn't have impulsive thoughts about things they'd like to say! Thank you for your advice. :pals:

whatever is going on at the time, join in, look around, ask her if she needs or wants anything, if she can get in a wheelchair then take her for a walk around the hospital, go down to the cafeteria. You will be fine:hug:

God, I pray I will be fine for her sake. She can still move around, but my tongue can cut like a sword (a terrible gift I inherited from my mother). I can't lecture her...I know that. But, I am so angry that she is still eating all veggies and not eating anything with sugar or enough carbs. She is not gaining the weight the doctors want her to. Enough already! (that's how I feel, anyway). I have to get over these negative feelings before I see her.

for her...

remember:

say what you mean
mean what you say
just don't
be mean when you say it!!!

I often wish I had parents who had sent me away to boarding school, charm school, or somewhere I could have learned more social graces. I am the absolute worst person in awkward situations. Correction: any social situation!

you're acting nervous, acting different - try to be yourself - ask them how they are doing and take it from there

I need to just knock it off, and suck it up! Oh, just shoot me now!

I won't break your arm, I'll just bend it a little. :)

I need a good ass kicking! :spank:

My friend hated that people wanted to talk so much about it. She just wanted to talk of other things, to get her mind off of the cancer for even a little while. She said she had plenty of time to think of the cancer when she was alone.
What really bothered her were the friends who wouldn't talk about any future plans. It made her feel as though they thought she wouldn't be around to see those plans come to life. Like the friend whose son was getting married in 3 months. She had to practically pry any details of the wedding out of her.

Just ask your friend how they are feeling. That will be their cue to talk about it. If they don't, then don't ask or offer advice. Talk of happier times the two of you shared. Talk about what you are doing when you leave there. Ask her if she needs anything. Let her know she can call you anytime she wants to talk. You know, just the normal friendly chat stuff.

I will try to remember it. :)

I hope you have a good visit without any awkward moments.

Whenever you think you're about to put your foot in your mouth, say it to yourself first before you blurt out something unintentionally blunt.

Sometimes, I swear, I have a mental illness which makes me just blurt out what I think, without thinking...if that makes sense. I hate myself for it, too.

You have to go see her. So if you do say something blunt, then all you have to do is sincerely apologize and you've done everything you can. You are friends with her, after all. She needs friends.

I'm very good at being diplomatic in person (online...sometimes not so much, sadly). People won't care if you take a moment to respond to them while you're quickly mulling over the best/worst of responses. It's like chess; You have to think a few steps in advance.

just be yourself. This is your friend...she's going to know if something's up. Friends sense these things. And You are her friend.

Sure...if it makes you feel better, take a beat and think before you speak...but above all...be yourself.

speaking with my friends. It's not like me at all. And, you are right, she (the one we are discussing here) would know something is up. It presents me with a dilemma, alright.

listen. Affirm what they're saying.

I think it depends how close you are to this person regarding very open, honest questions. They may give you clues, however, which way they want the conversation to go.

If you do say something that you think was 'wrong', admit it. You could say that you don't want to say the wrong thing. They may put your mind at ease - it may make them uncomfortable - it all depends where THEY are on their journey.

:hug:

I'm an adult, I can do this. It's time I start behaving like an adult.

from a chaplain who works with the dying. She is a tremendous woman.

She is of course extremely experienced in reading people and situations. I am learning from her in regards to pastoral care - nothing official, just volunteer work.

I can understand your worry. You care. :hug: