I'm officially a tramp. What do I do now?

Some of you may remember that guy I was telling you about--hadn't seen him in a while, but I found I still liked him. We've been emailing, nothing underhanded or flirty...I saw him again yesterday at a party for a mutual friend, everyone was drinking, long story short, he kissed me, his girlfriend saw, I feel like a tramp. I left, she left, he went after her.

Clearly I made a poor choice, and I have no plans to call him or anything. I feel very poorly for the girlfriend, who earlier in the evening told me how much she loved him...if that happened to me, I'd be devastated. He on the other hand, detailed the depths of his affection for me years ago and told me that I was beautiful and bla blah blah. I didn't tell him much, he was doing most of the talking. I should have walked away, clearly. I feel dreadfully immature and ridiculous to even have this story to tell. I imagine they will reconcile and he won't see me/talk to me again. However, if he contacts me, should I:

but when he does it to you a year from now you'll feel hosed and even worse for his girlfriend.

Is there any way you can apologize to her? It won't likely go over wll with her, but at least you'll know you've done the right thing.

I wish I could apologize, but I can't get in touch with her and I doubt we'll ever be in the same company again after yesterday.

I saw the look on her face...really awful to know I had something to do with that.

Like you say it won't likely go over well with her. Why make things any worse for her? He's the one that has some splainin' to do, or resolve his relationship one way or the other.

I say she should stay away from the girlfriend.

Just leave him twisting slowly, slowly in the wind.

He's a big boy. He'll understand.

I'm now at a point where I don't know what to say, don't want to make it worse.

I have no answer for you. I always avoided that situation.

I hope you can do what feels best to you. That's what matters.

I actually left the scene, as it were. I knew things were headed that way. He apparently followed me/found me, and like any smart girl she probably got the feeling.

Oy, totally unbelievable. If y'all "knew" me in real life, you'd be pretty shocked. Geez.

Clearly the guy is conflicted, but he's got to make up his mind. Critical issue: is his girlfriend a close friend of yours? Which relationship is more valuable? You probably won't be able to keep both, at least in the short term.

He HAS to call you by tomorrow night, if he wants to try to make things work between the two of you. If you don't hear from him - heartfelt apologies, begging - let it go. Be prepared to call the gf and apologize. Blame the liquor. Blame the guy. But let her know you're sorry, and it won't happen again.

Also, tjdee - you know these people, you know in your heart who you can trust. The guy sounds pretty flaky. If he wants you - he's going to have to make a serious case.

But quit beating up on yourself. You made a mistake. It was spontaneous. Can you say how old you are - just for some context?

We're all acting like we are in our late teens, eek.

He and I knew each other years ago, and we never dated because a) he didn't think I was interested, and b) I acted disinterested because a friend had a crush on him.

A group of us old friends met up last month, and voila he has a girlfriend.

Last night one of our mutual friends chimed in with "he was really in love with you back then", which didn't really make it better.

I'm beating myself up a bit because I kissed him back and because I know I would hate being in that situation.

Saying he's sorry, hopes I'm okay, sorry he's creating stress for me, will talk to me later.

What a silly situation.

Why the hell would anyone for any reason give a guy like this a chance? He's obviously slime, if he did this to his girl now he'll do it again.

This bastard should have 'SLIME' stamped on his face so other women don't make the mistake of hooking up with this punk.

You are not a tramp. Stop calling yourself a tramp.

Second, he kissed you - he has a problem, not you.

I wouldn't initiate any contact with him, or agree to any further contact if he is still seeing the girlfriend.

Hey, we are but mere mortals. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's hard to walk away from someone speaking in adoring terms to you when he's about to seal it with a kiss. Just don't let yourself be sucked in to a complicated triangle from here on out.

Small consolation, but how about a hug - :hug:

Linda

I feel somewhat underhanded because I *do* like him, and I'm sure I encouraged the behavior somewhat ( by sitting there and listening, for example).

So I'm a little disappointed in myself for not getting it together before it was too late.

But I didn't have the significant other, true.

I have a well-developed sense of what I like to call "sisterhood." I don't mess up other women's relationships. I don't take up with guys that are taken. Even if I have the opportunity (and I've had some opportunities), and even if I think the guy is utterly wonderful and she's a meanypants.

What's between this guy and his girlfriend is their business. If you care for him and respect him, you'll let him work out his issues himself.

I do not recommend calling her, or even calling him to suggest you might be available if he's interested. That's interference.

If I ran into him again, (and you may not) I might suggest to him that there was obviously something fairly strong and quite intriguing between us. If we were ever at a point where we were simultaneously free to pursue it and still intrigued, it would be lovely to see where it might go. Then I'd move along and get on with my life.

As I said, I have no plans to call/email him. I wish I could apologize to the girlfriend, but as most of you have said, not a good idea.

If he stays with her, you've got to "cleanse" yourself. I hope this doesn't sound too evengelical - but think about it.

You will always WANT to apologize. You will always WISH that you had. If you really intend to move on from this guy, take the high road.

Send her some homemade cookies, and admit that things momentariliy got out of hand. Otherwise, the issue is unresolved. My very humble opinion. If you can figure out a swift,, non-obsequious apology - you can put the whole thing behind you. And move on.

What you suggest ultimately comes down to a very selfish act. You're recommending that she call the girlfriend and apologise so that tjdee can be free of the negative feelings she has about the interaction.

There are 3 people involved in the interaction, and tjdees are the least important to any but those of us who are here to support her. If this couple has issues (and apparently they do) tjdee's 'apology' may make her feel better, but is more than slightly likely to stir things up with the couple. No good for them can come of it.

It's a good idea to clean out your list of shames and failings from time to time. A priest, a dog, a dear friend, - the community at DU, your mum, a meditation coach, your psychologist, your astrologist, a woman you met 10 minutes ago in a coffee shop - all of them make a better recipient of that angst than a couple who are trying to resolve a difficult relationship or end what is becoming a painful affair.

without any conflict...send her a small note apologizing
for the misunderstanding.

This must be SOME guy.

What is there to misunderstand... that he had a girlfriend? (but she told tj how much she loves him earlier in the evening so that doesn't wash)... that she didn't realize it was actually a kiss? (not terribly believable).

I agree while this may make one feel better... it would likely cause even more distress to the girlfriend... the one who was innocent in the interaction last night but had pain inflicted upon her.

I vote let it go. If in the future something is meant to work out - it will.. when he is uninvolved.

Worse case scenario - a small todo is made over this (including "appologizing to the gf... making it seem to her like an even bigger deal)... and he - is just on his last stand before committing to her (often folks will suddenly get nervous for one last gasp... before committing for the long haul)... they get serious, they get married... and the continued wierdness over the incident makes it too uncomfortable for folks to become friends in the future. Better to stay out of that potential drama... let it drop... and were that scenario to play out - at some point in the future... talk with her and either a) appologize for how unexpected and awful it was and you felt or b) laugh about the akward moment - after gauging her mood.

I am with SO - am definitely in the "sisterhood" view of things. We take care of each other, don't intrude on each other's space and certainly don't do things that might cause more pain to one another - if we can help it.

Not to put on a guilt trip. What is done is done. Just don't unintentionally - by trying to do a "nice" thing - actually cause more pain.

tjdee "cleansing" herself at the expense of the girlfriend is not appropriate. tjdee is not the most important person in this relationship - the girlfriend is. The bf is the one who needs to resolve the issue with his gf, not tjdee. tjdee can cleanse herself with another support group - like us.

Momentarily got out of hand doesn't quite cut it. They have been corresponding for some time, and he kissed her.

I am 100% with "sisterhood", but why do some people take this to the extreme that HIS straying is 100% the fault of the other woman, that SHE is the one to take the responsibility, and that he has no responsibility for HIS OWN behavior?? HE is the one responsible for HIS relationship with HIS GIRLFRIEND! It never ceases to amaze me how easily other women let men off the hook so they can put all the blame on other women for men's behavior.

No? Then if you feel like a tramp, you feel he is...what?

Good question.
I wasn't the initiator, but I *do* like him, which is why I feel so trampish and bad for his girlfriend. It certainly doesn't put him in such a good light either. Which is a shame, because before yesterday he was such a nice person.

You never know. Not to say what he did was okay, but he might be unhappy with his relationship, and subconsciously trying to screw it up.

I don't know what to say so I'm saying nothing. If he's trying to screw up his relationship, I don't want to be the person he associates with that.

But selfishly, I do feel a slight need to express my feelings--I just don't know that it would be helpful for any of us.

Oh what should you do about this guy...dang...I thought you meant in general...can't help ya theere

I really appreciate all the comments and votes....even the ones who are telling me never to go out again!!

"Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?" it works every time granted that involved parties are highly intoxicated.

If you can use a sock puppet to communicate this, it paralyzes the receiving person with bewilderment. Then make a mad dash for the nearest exit leaving the sock puppet at her feet. When she wakes she will look down and scream, “What have I done?”


Tell him that you’re sorry or that it sucks you couldn't make it to the party in question. His internal dialog will say "shit I was fuc*ed up at that party who the hell did I kiss?"

but think about this- they break up, you and he get together-

how can you trust him?

Tell him that you’re sorry or that it sucks you couldn't make it to the party in question. His internal dialog will say "shit I was fuc*ed up at that party who the hell did I kiss?"

Funniest response yet! Some levity in these situations is always helpful!

:shrug:

and feel guilty over what you did! However even after this you are way to good for this loser. Find a man that gives you everything you need.

Everyone makes mistakes, but never settle for a guy that makes big ones. :D