Shopping List for Saddam's Betrayer (Humor)

Folks,

I've compiled a shopping list for Saddam's betrayer. The unnamed Iraqi who turned in Saddam and who pointed U.S. soldiers to his hole will be enjoying an enormous bounty, and I know we thank him for doing the right thing.

Early reports are that the man (it is a man), age 25, discovered the hole when he heard someone rehearsing a long and incoherent speech from below ground -- and quickly ruled out George W. Bush since it was after 7:30 p.m. He is being called "Hole Guy" to protect his identity.

Hole Guy told U.S. troops that he'd like to move to "Montana and buy a pick-up truck," and then he talked about marrying an American wife. Curiously, he made this request in English with a Russian accent even though the rest of the information was delivered in Arabic.

With Hole Guy's newfound millions of dollars, here's what's on his shopping list:

- pick-up truck (maybe two)
- wife (half his fortune, maybe more)
- English classes (private tutor with FBI background check)
- a Coca-Cola fountain tap
- eight miles of barbed wire fencing
- Bounce fabric softener
- private army
- one-way first class ticket to Montana aboard a "Gulfstream 5"
- $2,000 maximum contributions to all Republicans in office, ever born, and to be born
- landmines to surround his new house
- house (triplewide)
- Patriot missile battery
- 100,000 shares of Halliburton stock
- 2.5 mile closed-course track to drive the pick-up truck(s)

Hole Guy's shopping list is still incomplete, though. You can help Hole Guy by adding to his list. What else will he need for his new life in Montana?

Hole Guy could probably get a good deal on a slightly used Texas hog farm cum dude ranch no longer needed as a stage prop by its former owner. Additional benefit, the weather in Texas would be more like what he was accustomed to anyway. Only drawback, needs constant brush clearing.

NOT like an Arabian looking guy, eh?

I'll admit, a bit obscure, but let's see if anybody here at DU gets it.

On edit: Hint: Sam Neal

I was going to say, this sounds familiar...

Nice job!