Door to door Atheists.

(A Sunday morning in a suburb of Memphis. Sound of a doorbell ringing. A suburban housewife mistakenly opens the door to two slovenly Gen-Xers, wearing jam-shorts, birkenstocks, Lolapaloosa '91 tour shirts, and Tibetan peaked sherpa caps.)

Housewife: Um... can I help you boys?

Missionary #1: Good morning, ma'am. Sorry to bother you on a Sunday morning, but we're going door to door spreading thew Good Word.

H: uh... well.. we already have a...

M (interrupting): Have you ever considered the univrse's plan for you?

H: I... I was just about to leave for church... I can't really...

M: Do you ever stop and wonder to yourself, 'Is this all there is? Do I only exist to invest my life in conforming to the human-written directives of a higher power which likely doesn't exist?'

H: Ah.....

M: Did it ever occur to you that there may be a real purpose for you, and that is to multiply your species so you and your offspring can eventually become part of the food chain?

H: Well, no...

M: It is possible. Just because you've never seen a corpse buried in the ground slowly decay and be consumed by smaller organisms who are eventually eaten by larger organisms, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Good news! It's been proven!

H: Tell, we creamate...

M: That's fine, too! It's all part of the Plan. Those ashes and bone fragments are rich in calcium, carbon, and other elements such as potash and other wonderful things that help plants grow, to be eaten by animals and even by other people!

H: I never really thought of that...

M: It's perfect! You may not believe in decomposition now, but decomposition believes in you!

(beat)

I'd love to give you this booklet, if that's alright. Would you mind if we came in for a moment.

H: Well, I really need to get to church... eternal damnation is snapping at my heels, you know!

M: I understand completely. But we'll just be a moment.

H (checking over her shoulder at her family, who are putting on their 'good' coats in the hallway): Well, I suppose a minute won't hurt.

M: Thank you.

(they enter)

What a beautiful home you have! And such lovely children, too!

H: Thank you. Their daddy's already gone; he's a Deacon.

M: Oh... I see...

(the two missionaries exchange worried glances. The Housewife gestures for her children to get to church, and that't she'll catch up to them.)

We're here to show you that you can live your life for today! You don't need to spend a whole hour in church every week, with the sole intention of not waking up one day in a firy pit. No, you can do what you want, when you want. The only rule you should follow is to try not to bring anyone else to harm.

H: That's not really what we...

M: Ah, but it's exactly what you believe. Didn't your Jesus Christ say that you should treat other people the way you want to be treated?

(the missionaries are slowly, almost inperceptably guiding the Housewife into her own kitchen, where they all sit at the formica table)

H: Well, I suppose so...

M: Exactly! And what could be more simple?!

H: Hmm... but what about heaven?

M: Yes, what about heaven... this is where things get a little abstract for most people, and this is the Good News we're spreading today! You see.....

H: Hilda.

M: You see, Hilda, there are some people... special interest groups, who have been using the promise of heaven to advance their agendas for years. Decades, even. And, for the most part, these are anti-American groups.

H: No!!

M: Yes! Did you know these religions don't even pay taxes?

H: Well, I...

M: They don't! And yet they want to push their own ideas in the very places you and I pay for! Their personal views in the courtrooms, jails, hospitals, and even on our money!

H: What do you mean "our money"?

M (pulling a quarter out of his shorts pocket): Look at this... "In God We Trust".

H: Wow.... I never noticed that before.

M (leaning in toward Hilda): Tell me, Hilda, does "God" pay your Visa bill every month? Does "God" clip coupons for Safeway's Turkey-Club? Does "God" help you choose between regular and premium whn you're at the pump?

H: Well, no...

M: No.

H: No.

M: And yet you're supposed to trust in this "God". And what do you get at the end? Rigormortis! What kind of God would allow that, huh?

H: But we shed our mortal coils...

M: Why? Why noty just live forever right here on earth? Why go somewhere else?

H: Well, I...

M: There's no explanation, Hilda. Because it's not true.

H: But our bodies are weak, and our sould are strong and live forever.

M: Okay, then... why did "God", who can allegely do anything, give us failing bodies? How is it that Kirby can make a vacuum cleaner that will run for 150 years, but "God" can't make a human, one of His "children" last more then 110 or so?

H: I think you're simplifying the whole idea of...

M: (interjects) And what about all the suffering, Hilda? Why would "God" allow polio, and bone cancer, ad car accidents? Are these people evil? What about juvenile AIDS? Why would "God" punish children for the sins of their parents? And why do some evil people live to be 100 or more, and some good people die in childhood?

H: He gives us the freedom to choose...

M: But that still doesn't explain Juvenile AIDS, Hilda.

H: Well.... I suppose not.

M: It seems you have a lot to think about, Hilda. We didn't come here to force you into anything; all we want to do is fulfil our mission... to provide you with the tools you need to decide how to live your precious, fleeting life.

(the missionaries stand and prepare to leave)

Hilda, before we go, would you join us in a short prayer? You don't have to. And you don't even have to say anything, but we'd be really happy if you could witness our faith in action.

H: Well... I guess that couldn't hurt.

M: Great!

(they all hold hands in a small circle in the kitchen, the missionaries bow their heads...)

We stand here today in this kitchen before absolutely nobody but ourselves. We acknowledge that we are not unique. We swear before each other that we believe in one universe, which over billions of years caused such activity that we somehow were created by sheer fluke, to exist for no clear reason but to perpetuate the same, inexplicable life itself.

We hold our heads high, knowing that this random occurance has caused us to evolve into creatures with the capability for reason, compassion, happiness and possibly even love. And that this is good.

We stand here today as proof that a seemingly unconnected series of random cosmic events has delivered us, and that we believe whole-heartedly that we three are merely the organic products of creatures quite similar to ourselves, and nothing more, and that when we die, we will rot in the ground or be incinerated in an oven, a byproduct of which process we help perpetuate the circle of life on this tiny planet, one of no-doubt thousands and possibly millions of undiscovered planets virtually identical to our own, and capable of sustaining life pretty much like us, if luck should have it.

We state that our dominance on this planet is a result of a balance of intelligence, reason, and brute strength, and not a result of elitist, eterial favouritism.

We stand here to affirm that we should not do damage to others except in the cause of protecting our individual existence, whether that be through warfare or diet.

We hold these truth to be self-evident; we live, we die, and that's it. We can be born but once, so we better make the most of it.

All: Amen.

H: Hallelujah!!

Unitarian?

(Someone who goes around knocking on other people's doors for no particular reason.)

Oddest damn thing I've ever seen at a 7-11 and I was once witnessed my friend get banned from a 7-11.