What's your worst musical performance?

One time I got absolutely plastered and was coaxed to sit down at somebody else's keyboards at a bar and play. Bear in mind that I'm a professional musician. Under normal circumstances I'd be able to play a four hour gig at the drop of a hat.

So I put my hands towards the keyboards and....

nothing. I couldn't remember how piano keys worked. I couldn't figure out how to play a chord. I couldn't even remember what a melody was or how to make the little white and black things create one. I plonked a few times and total discords came out and I got booed off stage.

Another time I was invited to a port tasting under the condition that I'd play a couple of sets afterwards on a grand piano. So I tasted port. Lots of port. Lots of different kinds of port. Some I had to taste several times just to make sure I tasted them correctly.

Eventually I remembered I was supposed to be doing something with a piano so I sat down at the keyboard. I quickly gave up any attempt at playing standard literature. Fortunately the audience was half-expecting jazz so I plonked out a few experiments that sounded half-ways jazzish and eventually I sobered up enough to put out a performance.

and trying to learn to play the bass. Nada here on musical talent

DDQM

about 4 in the morning I jumped on stage and freestyled rapped. It was awful. Two kids in the back were going nuts. You would have thought Snoop Dogg just walked in the building.

Luckily this was more or less a private show, although there were about 30 or 40 people in attendance.

So our band played. And we were also used to doing 4 sets with no sweat. We all got drunk. We couldn't finish a single song and we really, really sucked. I mean, it was just horrible.

I knew I was in trouble when before we even started, I couldn't figure out how to use my tuner. The LED's are supposed to line up when you're in tune. I couldn't get the LED's to line up, cause I was seeing double, even triple. So, I don't even think I was in tune anyway.

and we were singing a difficult choral jazz piece. If any of you are familiar with the group "Take 6", then you would know the level of difficulty of the piece. It was a "Take 6 Christmas".

Anyway, It was a six parts with 2 Soprano sections, 1 alto section, Two Base sections, and one Tenor section. I was in the baritone section, right between the Low Bases and the Tenors.

Well, the notes were so weird, that I never even remembered all of it. We would constantly be yelled at by the choral conductor, almost to the point of humiliation. I wish I was in the low bass section so that I could be on the extremes instead being the one tweaking the note in the middle.

Played the maracas too. Boy, did I suck. But I was drunk, so who cares! Of course, they probably will never ask the audience to sing backup for them again, citing me and my friend as evidence.

Trying to sing the "ooh-oohs" to "Build Me Up Buttercup" in a garage band after far too many whiskey sours ... We even taped it and boy was I off!