Is it okay to date when separated?

Now when I say separated, my wife walked out and has literally not talked to me in 5 months. Recently I have been socially seeing a person that I worked with. She recently left where I worked and we were just keeping in touch because when you work as closely as we did you do form a bond, except I had developed a little bit of a crush on her. But I couldn't help it, she is beautiful, not just physically, but in spirit also. Now the other night things kind of changed, and she told me that she also had some feelings for me. Now I have thought about this, but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that the hottest girl that I work for would want to got out with me of all people. Really hot girls never go out with guys like me, and we are polar opposites when it comes to some things. She is leaving the nursing profession to become a social worker to "save the world." The one person that I work with that knows because we are keeping it on the down low tells me that she thought it was inevitable. I guess when I was off for three weeks after a recent surgery, she told me that she really figured out how much she really missed having me around. Now I am at peace with all of this, my wife isn't going to come back and I need to move on in my life. Now her and I have discussed all of this, and there is some trepidation on both sides, but we are just going to take it one day at a time and see where it goes, but my residual Catholic guilt is also there, so kids tell me I am not going to go to hell for this.

You just went through a shocking experience and the natural tendency is to view this new person as your salvation. Try to take things slowly.

Also, you have started divorce proceedings, right?

Even though your wife walked out on you, seeing someone else might ricochet back on you in a bad way. I hope not; if your wife doesn't want to be around any more, then that should free you to see whomever you want.

Just my 2 cents.

but let this woman know that you are not blowing her off. She sounds nice.

I tried to jump right into it, trying to deal with loneliness and the fear of being alone. It doesn't work. You may not have the same issues, but it's still a good idea to think very carefully about your motivations, and to take things slowly. My two cents' worth (maybe not worth even that much).

Seriously--I'm talking from hard experience. If there are still ties, if you have a tattered or incomplete break from the past, you'll screw up what you've got going on now. There are plenty of quality people out there so there's not really a rush to catch "the right one" (tho recently divorced people often feel like finding a good match is as rare as catching lightning in a bottle).

Your best move is to end one relationship before starting another.

You're alone man, except for the paperwork.

Don't let her go. You'll regret it.

?

She was so sure she wouldn't go back she told me she was divorced.

Broke my heart.

So how come you're not divorced???

Not saying this story has anything at all to do with you, but that's my feeling.

Much of it conflicting, so I'm not going to add to it. Go with your gut.

And...

:hug:

Serious, I'd look at the legal ramifications of this. For all you know your wife has a private detective following you around waiting for you to do something like this! If she'd walk out and not talk to you, why wouldn't she want to expropriate your stuff?

Assuming it was acquired during the marriage.

:smoke:

Matter fact if I was him I might have a detective trailing her.

I'd work on getting the wife out of the way first if I was that guy; hey watch your back, man!

Doesn't matter, marital property and debt is 50/50.

RL

and it is just a matter of details and legal processes, then I feel it is fine to start dating. I dated while I was separated. I was honest about my status, and some men were not OK with it, but I did give them the info to make their decision with. I feel like dating was a huge part of my healing process. I'd had no emotional or physical intimacy with my ex-h for so long before the divorce that I really wanted to get out there and meet people and connect with someone as soon as I felt I was ready. I felt ready before the divorce was final.

People say marriage is "just a piece of paper." Well, so is divorce. When a relationship is over, it is over. Often the legalities take much longer to complete. I don't think that should be a barrier to moving on with your life. It all depends on your personal emotional state and whether you are ready, and only you know that.

On a related subject... people often discount the next relationship as "just a rebound." I think "rebound" is just past tense for "love that didn't work out." I know several people who married their so-called "rebounds," and some of them met before their divorces were final.

Does the new woman in your life know that you're still married?

If not, that would be the next step...

We worked together so she is fully aware of everything.

:-)

I had a relationship with someone who talked about his "ex", but never bothered to tell me that they hadn't done the paperwork.
It was SO not cool.

I hope things will work out for you. :toast:

We just had a long talk, and she doesn't want to pursue anything because we are "too different" and she doesn't see anything but failure so she doesn't even want to try. Let me say this, IT IS NOT FAIR!! We will stay friends but there is no chance to take it further, for now. I guess I am lucky that we spent two amazing nights together (no sex) and let me remember what it is like to be with someone rather than be alone.

It's great that you enjoyed what you had, though. That might be food for figuring out whether or not you wish to remain married.
:hug:

...and in some way I still do, but there is no chance of that happening. I just was moving on with my life because I thought I would never get over her leaving me, and this showed me that I can move on.

any long term relationship, as you likely will need time to get over and out of your marriage. But it's a great distraction that someone in your position could use.

A separation implies that there is a chance of reconciliation. A divorce is final.

I've been through this a couple times. I dated a lady who was separated and her husband brought the whole thing up in the divorce proceedings. He made her out to be some kind of slut, even though they had been separated for nearly a year. It cost her emotionally and economically.

I'd keep the lines of communication open with your new interest, but I would take care of business first. You don't want this to blow up in your face. God knows you loose enough in any divorce without setting yourself for disaster.If she is really interested and you get busy with your divorce she will wait.

mother in July. His divorce from my mother was finalized this week. I saw nothing wrong with him dating her. She's a nice woman and he's happier than I have ever seen him in my life. It had no affect on his divorce, but I would check the laws in your state. :hug: Best of luck.

Sounds like you're going to anyway, sooner or later. If your wife hasn't spoken to you in months and you're interested in someone else, the marriage is kaput. Make it official, and then date who you want when you want.

Unless you think there's a chance of reconciliation, in which case, focus on that and don't date this or any other woman.

Just my $.02

Not at all. I still loved the woman 3 months after she left, but I realize that she doesn't love me and she is never coming back so I have to get on with my life. Unfortunately this isn't going to work out. I guess I just got my hopes up.

But it also sounds like you've been hoping for the best of both worlds - not getting a divorce because you still loved your wife yet wanting to date this other woman. I understand all of this - you can't just turn off emotions and people find themselves attracted to other people even when they are in a loving and stable relationship. But to me it says maybe you're moving a little too fast. You have loose ends to tie up and it sounds like you have feelings for your wife that need to be resolved before you move into another serious relationship.

My advice would be to step back and be alone for a bit. Re-group and think about what may have gone wrong in the marriage and what you really want out of the next relationship.

And as others have pointed out, I'm just another slob on the street offering my 2 cents based on my own experience.

there's one party who doesn't want it. And that sucks completely! But you can't force someone to stay married when they don't want to.

I'm sorry that it's come to this, but I really think you should take the step and file. And then ask that woman out.

Seriously, I have a woman in my church who is seeing one. I was afraid that that meant the counselor was going to try to keep the marriage together... that is NOT the intent.

A divorce counselor helps you see your way through the divorce, and examine the impact it is having on your life. They can also help you ask the tough questions such as these, and help you see potential pitfalls.

I love DU, but we are not a substitute for someone who is professionally trained to help you examine your situation.

Wish I had done that when I was going through it.

Critters
still a wee bit bitter

My wife and I went to a divorce counselor to walk thru this without fighting and to do what's right for the kids, especially for them.

I would recommend it to anyone.

RL

:hug:


:loveya: