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WASHINGTON DC, December 24th. Americans are reacting tonight to news of the capture of Santa Claus, the so-called "King of Christmas," after several months of searching by Coalition forces.
Following the capture of the North Pole by Coalition forces and the capture of key Claus aides, Claus went into hiding. When two of Claus's most trusted allies, Rudolph and Blitzen, were killed in a gunfight, Claus was reportedly "devastated" and began to hide in earnest. Despite numerous sightings in shopping malls throughout the United States, it was not until early December that Coalition forces finally caught up with Santa. They did so with the help of an unidentified elf who reported Claus's location.
Soldiers reached Claus's hideout at approximately 7:05 PM EST. Claus was ordered to come out with his hands up "or face the consequences." At this point, Claus emerged from the hole and announced, "Ho Ho Ho. I'm Santa Claus, the King of Christmas. I am willing to negotiate."
"President Bush sends his regards," replied one soldier, while another kicked Claus in the stomach. "It shook like a bowlful of jelly," reported a witness.
Reaction to the capture was quick. "We are very happy about the capture of the evil evildoer Santa Claus," said President Bush in a televised speech to the nation. "No longer will he threaten Jesus Christ's supremacy as the King of Christmas." National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice added, "I am certain, now more than ever, that we will find his stockpiles of gifts and candy canes." When reached for comment, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld wrung his hands and said, "Where does he get those wonderful toys?" while grinning in an evil fashion. Senior White House Adviser Karl Rove simply rolled around on the floor, laughing like a little girl.
The Democratic presidential hopefuls were sent scrambling by the announcement, with several candidates releasing statements within hours. Senator Joseph Lieberman, a longtime supporter of the removal of Santa, took a shot at Democratic frontrunner Governor Howard Dean. "If Howard Dean were President, Santa Claus would still be bombing the United States with toys, sweaters, and tube socks. And your children wouldn't love you. And your hair would fall out. Did I mention that your children wouldn't love you?"
Dean's own statement was more subdued. "I'm proud of our soldiers, but I don't see what capturing a fictional character has to do with making the United States safer." Retired General Wesley Clark's statement was a severe indictment of the Bush administration's policies: "When will this wasteful policy of preemptive action against holiday icons end? What's next, the Easter Bunny?" When Clark was informed that the Easter Bunny is already in Coalition custody, he simply rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. Senator John Kerry had the simplest response of all: "Way to fuck up Christmas, assholes."
Despite the Democrats' objections, support for the capture of Santa is high. 78% of Americans say the capture of Claus will "make America safer," while 22% say that "78% of Americans say the capture of Claus will 'make America safer.'" Support is particularly high among lobotomy victims and Fox News viewers, who feel that Claus was not only responsible for the September 11th attacks, but also for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the explosion of the Hindenburg, the sinking of the Titanic, the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, and the birth of Bill Clinton.
Contracts for Christmas gift delivery are expected to go to Halliburton, which is in no way connected to Vice President Dick Cheney.
Happy Holidays! :hi:
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