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* A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
* A hooker told me "Not on the first date."
* Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
* During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
* I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
* I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
* I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
* I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
* I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don`t make it.
* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
* I said to the bartender "Surprise me." He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.
* I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
* I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.
* I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous— everyone hasn't met me yet.
* I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
* I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
* I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
* I was such an ugly kid— when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
* I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
* I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
* I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
* I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice— I don't know if I'm coming or going.
* I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
* If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
* It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...
* It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.
* Last night I was making love to my wife and nothing was happening, so I said to her, What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
* Life is just a bowl of pits.
* My family was a bunch of drunks, when I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.
* My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
* My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
* My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
* My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
* My wife isn't too smart. She has to reach inside her bra to count to two.
* My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.
* My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
* That's the story of my life, no respect, ya know?
* The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own. He said "So will you."
* The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.
* When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said Is there someone else? She said There must be.
* When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!
* When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.
* With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
* With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...
* With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
* Yeah, I know I'm ugly. I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
* You know the best part of having kids? ...making them.
* I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
* I don't play hard to get... I play hard to want!
* Epitaph on his tombstone: "There goes the neighborhood."
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