Gay 2004 membership drive gearing up! Volunteers needed!

Its that time again, mo's! Its time for us to get out there and convert those straights! Our numbers were at a record high last year and we're hoping to do even better this year!
This year we are armed with all new disinformation to confuse and hide the realities of homosexuality. This years siminars will include:

*Gay sex and the spontaneous generation of disease: Sticking with
the lie.
*Morality Bites: Doing whatever feels good.
*Destruction of marriage: How to bring down society by
exchanging vows with your parter.
*Christina Aguilera's couture: The year in review
*Lesbians and the art of the bi-level haircut

And dont forget, we have the new leaflet ready for printing and distributing to high-schools and boy scout troops called '100 reasons to be gay':

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=111&topic_id=14710

This years bumper stickers are ready and include:

Drop the b@#ch and make the switch!
Its not to late to not be straight!
and
Its a faaabulous day to CHOOSE to be gay!

I wanna hear the sound of high-heels hitting the pavement! Get out there, girlfriend, and get those breeders!!

GO MO!



Sorry everyone...I'm venting my stress through satire. When things get this bad, I have to just sit back and laugh or go mad!








:loveya:

And don't I get something if I switch? - a free pizza coupon or something? Diet Pepsi discounts?

I don't want to get married anyway. So maybe I'm fine the way I am. Where's the incentive? :shrug:

There's a difference.

when do I get my toaster oven?

do I get a toaster oven and a coffee pot?

espresso maker. Every sister needs one.

does this mean I'll finally be able to colouir-coordinate and instinctively understand the arcana of interior design? And will I have to start buying Judy Garland and Bette Midler CDs?

unfortunately as far as dressing and interior design go -- if you come late to the party -- you have to undergo training.
we have workshops of various durations to suit your schedule.
after you will be required to appear at a gay night club and present your best version of ''it's raining men'' as your favorite diva.
lesbians do ''one more for the road'' as their favorite male heart throb.
you will be judged on a scale from 1 to 10.
the prize will be a real hair wig or side burns depending on gender.

And me with this baritone voice. Guess I'll have to take lessons. Some of the queens at one of the local drag clubs could help with that, I guess...

and free tweezers for those eyebrows.

To help you get started. :-)

fab 5 teams -- seems i got a flyer in the mail about that.

More info to come!

You can choose, however, from Judy, Babs, Bette, Cher, and Madonna depending on your age and likes. (You must LIKE them all but only have to LOVE one.)

Additionally, you will now spend on clothes, accessories, and skin care what you used to spend on rent.

But I absolutely REFUSE to wear mauve!

collect my toaster OVEN , get help w/ fashion tips, etc...then you find out it was all a lie, that i was really a closet hetero?

Filthy bastards! Screwing with what is otherwise perfectly good Gaydar!

(and fashion tips)

aren't they closet straights? :eyes:

until they learn to like gay sex like the rest of us.

for official confirmation. I was named an "honorary lesbian" a couple of years ago and nuthin'! No toaster oven, no secret decoder ring and I STILL haven't learned that secret handshake. I just wanna know when my probationary period is over. I feel so used! B-)

background check. Give it time. :-)

dressed as frank sinatra in front miss tina trailer park and celebrity judges? at a bar -- of course.

if you hum a few bars . . .

Sorry. It's early.

I am sure she will get right on it

await my marching orders.

Please kill "lesbians & the bi-level haircut" -- Dude Cannikin, there are far more mullets on men in certain regions of the U.S. than there are on lesbians anywhere.

BTW, Canny, whyever are you so stressed? It's not as if we're told our marriages aren't marriages. It's not as if we're told we seek destruction of all that is good in the world. It's not as if we're beaten and murdered for something we neither chose nor could change. . . . oh. Yes it is.

Well, that's different then.

Never mind.

I'm from Arkansas so I can definately back up that mullet claim! hehe

straight happily married woman. Is there help out there for me?

I mean, I love "Queer Eye" (but not "Will and Grace"--retch :puke:)
Judy, the Weather Girls, decorating, dressing to the 9s, Cole Porter, and show tunes. I can do a mean Ros Russell in "Gypsy."

The first step is admitting I need help, I know, but I'm not entirely sure I do?! Is there hope for me? Where, exactly, do I belong???

BTW, I want a KitchenAid mixer, dammit. You can't have me until I get one (and the counter space as well)!

Spiritual guidance, please . . .

Great post, btw. ROFLMAO!

edit: pathetic typing

edit: ditto, dammit!

I must have been an especially good homo this year, because under the tree this year santa left me a 5 quart, Artesian, KitchenAid mixer, Onyx Black to match the jars on my ample countertop :evilgrin:.

Not to mention the first season of Smallville on DVD with HOT-TIE Tom Welling, shirtless and helpless on the cover... rrrrrreow! And tickets to see Avenue Q. Santa must have a thing for me or something!

can I be a queer guy--I just can't see myself in a mullet singing "one For the Road."

I can see myself singing "It's Raining Men" in 4 inch heels and a spangled DG ensem.

Sheesh--my hubby is in for a big surprise.

I'm coming out--

As a GAY MAN.

We have one at my printing company. Printer's ink is the consistency of peanut butter, so when we make a custom color we throw the ingredients in a Kitchen Aid mixer, turn it on and come back in fifteen minutes to a bowl of perfectly blended ink.

I have one at home, but my wife has promised to kill me if I mix concrete in it.

kitchenaid. Those pink caddy's don't come easy in mary kay and we aren't all about giving out the big stuff either.

Do we get a pink Cadillac, like the Mary Kay peopledo, or a date with Leo D, or something? :P

she's in a miserable marriage and I think she'd have soooo much fun as a lesbian....

(Just in case anyone thinks I'm serious, I'm not. Don't flame me.)

But Paddy, I'll give you a prize just for being you if you ever visit Washington, DC: a free stay at Pushovers' Bed & Breakfast. :7

Thank you for the invitation; if I am ever there, I shall accept, with pleasure. :)

Glad to hear it.

OH INDEED I DO. My track record with men is freaking PITIFUL. So far, all efforts to convert me have been unsuccessful. And I spent four years in the military! :7

... stop on by. I'll hook you up w/ my friend Dana. She already has four platinum toaster ovens!

there is always a gay duo showing up on my doorstep, waxing on about the benefits of the homosexual lifestyle and offering me toasters and savings bonds as incentives. YES INDEED.

"dos mas" - "two more"

he liked to have fun speaking Spanish .... we'd be here or there, and 'a pair' would be spotted ... and, a simple "dos mas" said it all ...

`````````````````````````

a pink, glittering path to my door. Also one dripping with hair tonic and axle grease.

I love this thread!

Better free literature, too!

I just read my post and now that its daylight and I'm sober (I did it at 3am...and I have an Arkansas public education) I see all of my spelling errors!
I'm glad everyone is enjoying it!:crazy:

certainly didn't for me. I pursued a guy all the way through high school and .... nothing ... absolutely nothing.

:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:
:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:

Is the argument really what anything that feels good is ok? I'm sure I'm being dumb here and missing the point.