If you knew someone was cheating

on their partner, would you tell?

Wouldn't you want to know, if it were your relationship?

And there may be elements of health risk as well, if the cheater is having sex with both people.

on the one hand, i despise a trick, but if it was a good friend i'd probably let them know.

other than a friend, i'd give it some serious thought.

I have been there. It wasn't pleasant. It damaged the relationship between me and the friend who told me about my SO cheating. And I already knew.

And if they don't, they might not believe you.

I wish that someone would have told me.

It just rubs me the wrong way, to even contemplate such a thing.

Now, if my friend asked me.........then I would.

But I would not volunteer it.

I think it's flat out wrong to do it.

who is married. I don't know the person with whom my friend is cheating nor do I know the spouse of this person. I DEFINITELY do NOT approve of my friend's relationship and it causes me to trust my friend less. I think it's a very poor choice on my friend's part and if the married person is not happy in the marriage then that person needs to sever the marital relationship.

Once lost, trust is very difficult to regain, if ever it is regained.

Two reasons...one I had friend who was cheating on husband and told me, I wasn't close to husband barely knew him so I stayed out of it. But stopped friendship. I don't believe in affairs and for me I want to be friends with people who believe like I do. So I guess you can tell I don't have any close republican friends!! lol

Yes if you haven't married yet...definitely!!!!!!! We rented out room in my house and had roommate while engaged and unknown to me my roommate caught ex but didn't tell me till a year later AFTER we were married!!! I cried and asked her why didn't you tell me our marriage is awful now and I wouldn't have married him if I knew! Needless to say I divorced soon after.

On the other hand, cheating is not right either, and not speaking up condones the act -- I am assuming our society still finds infidelity to be wrong, of course.

Weighing the two, cheating is worse.

I would be compelled to tell.

And it can go either way. I can't say either yes or no on it - it would depend on the people involved and my relationship with them.

I found out eventually, but it would have been nice to find out sooner.

i.e. if they truly were a friend of mine, then generally speaking I would tell them. I can imagine circmstances in which I would stay quiet, but in general I think people deserve information that would help them correct potential problems in their lives, just as I would tell a friend if his car was leaking oil or that mole on the back of her neck looked like melanoma...

better to be there as the shoulder to cry on rather than the instigator who brings about the heartache.

Sometimes the person already knows their partner is cheating but they may be in a situation that doesn't make it quite easy to leave just yet....and someone bringing it out in the open may only aggravate matters..

Short term uprooting can lead to a more solid foundation later on.

I know a person who had to be sent to hospital for a mental breakdown. She has yet to face her fears... her future does not look bright, nor successful.

I volunteered to do the same in July, after another failed suicide attempt -- and went right back to confronting life. There is no other choice but to try.

Each person is unique, but you can't let the bastards win.

my uncle cheated on my aunt all of their marriage...she knew it..but couldn't leave.
Now she is still with him and somehow they reached some sort of peace...

The people who tried to get rid of him...are no longer welcome by either of them...some people have different tolerances..

I know a woman married to a wealthy doctor...she knows that when she gets big jewelry items that he has cheated so she takes the bauble and makes an appointment with an ob/gyn to make sure he didn't bring home any pestilence...again..nothing I would tolerate but some people are different..and now he is too old to cheat so she shows off her baubles and gets a big kick out of the fact that her playboy is now her stay at home sweetie (he is retired)...who adores her for putting up with him...

HIV (can be fatal), HPV (can cause cervical cancer), gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, etc etc etc

the romantic issues kind of take a backseat to the health ones.

I don't know if I would consider someone a friend anymore if they knew my S.O. was cheating and didn't tell me. Once I worked somewhere where the entire staff knew my S.O. was cheating, except for me. The way I found out they were seeing each other was right after she moved out I saw where one of the managers had written *their* phone number for their new appartment as their new contact information. I was the last to know, lol...I guess I didn't -get it- because the woman was supposedly heterosexual and had five kids. But I was pretty mortified.

Of course, if they already know, and you tell them, you are going to be reflecting back to them their lack of self-respect, which is probably going to be too painful for them to deal with so they might kick you to the curb. I think if you love someone, you have to do the hard thing sometimes and tell them the truth (if you are %100 sure about it).

though it is as much the consideration of the other person as it is risk of disease that makes cheating truly unpalatable.

And, yes, only tell if it's a 100% certainty. Anything less would be as much disrespectful; to all the people involved. (which means should a person actively spy, in which case I'd probably say 'no' unless things were so obvious...)

a giant headache..

My friend was more than likely bipolar..her husband was a sweet guy. She was so nice one moment but crazy the next. She was out of control. I went to visit her and it was apparent that her marriage was not doing so well.

I suggested to her husband that he get counseling.

He did..and then the gameplan was to get her into counseling.

She found out...and she went ballistic on him and me and everyone else.

We have not spoken since.

I tried to help...I fear I may have made her more unstable....

and that wasn't even cheating...
that was trying to be a good friend.

"I fear I may have made her more unstable...."

I doubt it. And you educated the husband so at least he can get help on his end.
I would call what you did tough love. Sometimes you pay a high price for it but I think you sleep better at night when you tell people the truth. I know I do.

I guess if there was a real concern about disease that would change things, but if all that's being risked is broken hearts it's probably best to let the relationship run its course.

Also, is the cheater working to end the current relationship? A friend of mine was in a situation a while back where she was in an awful, abusive mess of a relationship. She fell in love with somebody else, and yes she slept with him. She got the abusive guy out as soon as she could safely do so. If somebody had spilled the beans about guy #2, the best that could have happened is that the abuser would have done something stupid enough to get arrested over, and the worst could have got her killed. So for a while she was a cheater. Now she's a happily married woman with a husband who really really loves her. If somebody had stepped in instead of letting her handle the situation, maybe that wound not have happened.

Maybe the one who is getting cheated on already knows. They don't want to hear about it from you.

People are very resistant to figuring it out until they're ready.

I saw that in an episode of "The Golden Girls" where Blanche saw that the guy Dorothy was dating big-time was cheating on her. Blanche told Dorothy and Dorothy got really mad. Thanks to a clever ploy by Rose, Dorothy found out the truth then apologized...

Pity real life isn't like television... especially when so many people say "Don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger". The messenger did nothing wrong.

Not my buisness. Not to mention it can cause lots of problems. Lovers spats, are their own, i'll stay out of them.

I wished that someone had come forward and told me. I was humiliated and hurt that people I thought were friends kept the information from me. I would never, ever blame the messenger, unless it was the person my spouse (or SO) was having the affair with.

If a friend just started dating someone who was promiscuous, and they didn't already know it, then I would tell him or her. For example, if I saw a friends' new boyfriend kissing someone else, I'd tell.

But that's about it. Most other situations, I'd keep my mouth shut.

Leave the person a note or a letter, typed, that lays out exactly what I know about the situation. Leave it unsigned somewhere where that person will be guaranteed to find it first. That way I don't hurt *my* friendship with that person, but I still managed to do the right thing and let them know what was going on with their spouse/partner/lover.

I'll never do it again. Huge, huge mistake. Damaged my relationships with both the chater and the cheatee.

and I personally would not say anything. It is not my place nor is it my life. Things have a way of sorting themselves out at their own pace. Look at Bill and Hillary Clinton, obviously he got caught but she already knew from before and that is the way they accept the terms of their marriage. I am not going to impose my personal views on someone, unless they ask for them and even then I have to consider the person I am speaking too.

Not that she didn't do wrong, but I would never tell. It's up to her or the cheating husband.

my ex had been seeing someone else for a year. I was lucky not to get an STD.

I wish I would have spoken up.

Not just because of emotional concerns, but PHYSICAL concerns (some of which are ultimately fatal), to not say anything if one has the facts would be the least friendliest thing one could do.

Ideally I wouldn't be thrown in the middle of the situation but if the cheaters weren't carefully enough to hide it and I found out then they were the ones who made it my business. Yeah I could be resented for telling but I could also be resented for not telling if it ever came out that I knew.

:shrug:

Have a broken nose to show for it.

I learned my lesson the hard way.

...because so many disagree. I've been in this situation before, and have taken both routes. I'd like to think my having told
the person saved them from getting hurt further. In the other case, my buddy held it against me that I knew, but didn't tell
him sooner. He never got over it, and we haven't spoken since. That was 7 years ago.

I had a good friend who cheated on her partner years ago and I didn't tell him. I did tell her how stupid she was and that she should stop though. If it was the other way around and I knew that he was cheating on my friend, I would have told her.

Right now I'm dealing with two friends (a married couple) whom I suspect might both be cheating on one another. I don't have hard proof but the signs are there and my intuition is telling me something is not right. I decided to look the other way and stay out of it all together. It's too complicated and none of my business.

So to make a short story long, I guess I wouldn't tell unless the person being cheated on was very close to me. :shrug:

Which was a bit traumatic...

a) If the 3 people involved in the relationship are all persons with whom I'm barely acquainted, then:

No. I'm not the local morality nanny and it's not one goddamned bit of my business. For all I know they've got an open marriage, or have negotiated a threesome of some sort.

b) If the cheater or cheated upon is someone of modest aquaintance, then:

Probably not. If I know neither of them that well and I've found out about the affair the chances are excellent that it's pretty well-known in their circle and there must surely be people in a better position to buttinski than am I. But 'probably not' does acknowledge that I can conceive of some circumstances in which I might, few though they may be.

c) If the cheater, cheated upon, or cheated with is someone with whom I'm close, then:

I'd likely go to the person with whom I'm best acquainted and ask a few relevant questions. But my first inclination is always to stay out of other people's marriages. And to offer comfort and support rather than information and interference to my close friends.

d) If the woman being cheated on is my best friend, then:

I'd go to the lying sack of crud cheating on her and tell him what I knew, and he could fess up or I would tell her everything.

who is HIV positive because her husband cheated and brought this disease home to her. Yes, I would tell. It my save my friends life. If it broke up the friendship--so be it. I could never forgive myself if my friend became ill or died because her husband cheated and I didn't tell her.

that have threatened my close relationships with people because I thought it was more important that they were safe than that they liked me.

we may have to sacrifice for a friend. Sometimes, it is the friendship itself.

He was angry at me for-oh, I dunno-maybe about a week.
He and I are now like brother and sister, and I haven't spoken to her in 5 years (Not on my part, she moved).
Go figure.

Would telling give me an opportunity to horn in on the scorned partner or would it have to be purely altruistic?

O8)

Usually when you tell, it ends up with you losing a friend.

and what my relationship is with each of them

There could be extenuating circumstances...

Humans are blessed/cursed with the ability to rationalize anything...

Just kidding, I would never tell unless maybe it were a very close family member.

Because I'd want them to tell me.
Duckie

The extent of my knowledge of the event. The friendship history with the cheatee...gosh , a whole bunch of things would factor in. :(

I don't think there's a 100% answer. I'm just curious.

I think. :hi: :hug:

were Very, Very close.

If I was friends with both of them, I probably would. I don't think I could stand to be around the fakeness of an unfaithful person pretending all is well around an unknowing partner. It would be a tougher decision if I was only friends with the cheater and didn't know the partner well. I would likely stay out of it, but I would try to get my friend to come clean.

and not one said anything to me about it. One was my cousin and one was my best friend. This was 10 years ago and to this day it still pisses me off. The whole situation made me look like an idiot. When I asked them why didn't they say anything, they said they didn't want to get involved. Fuck that. If someone is being hurt behind thier back and you supposedly are close with that person, speak up.. anyhoo thats my 2 cents.

He went off one summer to fight fires in Eastern Oregon. I told him his girl fucked around on him when he came back. We are civil now, I would never call him, I doubt he would call me. I'm still confused about him being mad. She admitted it without hesitation. I was just concerned about his health. Dude, needed to cover the pole before entry.

I have learned it is acceptable to confront the cheater, but the cheatee tends to lay residual blame on the person who revealed the truth to them. I'm not saying that is an acceptable way to respond, but that it happens more often than not.