Wacky new laws (you need to know about)

As of January 1, 2007:

Straight women will be prohibited from entering a predominantly gay wine bar, ordering a $12 glass of merlot and referring to its complex blend of taste and aroma as "busy." Violators will be punished by being limited to drinking cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon from paper bags for a period of two (2) months.

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It will be permissible, when encountering an automobile with a value of at least $40,000 occupying two parking spaces, to bash the windshield with a blunt object and considerable force.

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Liberals whose political passions are considered by reasonable citizens to be "flaming" will be limited to two (2) socially conscious bumper stickers per automobile. They also will be required to remove the sticker endorsing their favored presidential candidate within two (2) weeks of the Democrat losing the election. An exception will be made in the event that Florida needs extra time to figure out "how we fucked up this time."

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In the event that religious missionaries appear unannounced at the front door of a male citizen, it will be legal for him to greet his visitors in the nude with a donut around his erect penis and ask if they've had breakfast yet.

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Food nutrition labels will be required to stop using chipmunks as the standard on which "serving size" is based. Food companies will be required to consider a reasonable, human-size serving. Failure to comply will result in the violator being required to provide one (1) American family of four (4), to be determined by random drawing, with a yearï¿?s supply of the foodstuff so mislabeled.

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Yoga studios will not be permitted to enroll middle-aged males with ponytails and audible flatulence.

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Celebrity couples whose names do not yield a convenient, cute conjunction will be separated. "Brangelina," which sounds adorable, will be permitted to continue. "Arnoria"--for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver--sounds like a venereal disease. They'll have to split.

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Any male purchasing a Hummer will be required to first drop his pants and prove it really is that small.

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Each citizen 18 years old or older will be issued a handgun, which may be used only to shoot at unattended vehicles with alarms sounding. Citizens are required to shoot at least three (3) rounds into the vehicle. Anyone using his or her handgun for any other purpose, and anyone caught passing by an unattended vehicle without shooting at it, will be locked in a garage containing a vehicle with an alarm sounding for three (3) days and be fed airline food only.

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If an NFL football team wants to leave a city and seek a new stadium deal elsewhere, it must first win a Super Bowl for its home city.

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Any news-reporting organization that uses the terms "bizarre" or "odd" to describe a killer whale attacking a human will have its media credentials immediately revoked. No appeal process will be afforded.

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A "maximum bicep circumference" will be enforced upon the gay male population. A task force responsible for random testing of gay males will be comprised of skinny heterosexual males wielding tape measures. Any gay male found with a bicep measuring more than fourteen (14) inches will be prohibited from entering a gym for at least six (6) months, or until their bodies atrophy to a degree that no longer makes hetero males feel inferior, whichever occurs first.

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Anyone caught tossing a cigarette butt onto a public street will be required to watch an educational video titled "How You Killed Flipper, Asshole."

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Movie theater employees must be properly trained and certified in the ways of proper popcorn buttering so that more than the top twenty (20) kernel blossoms are saturated with that artificial golden scrumptiousness.

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Food manufacturers will be required to fill all bags of chips to the "fucking brim."

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Anyone who uses the horribly redundant term "added bonus" while trying to sell a product on television will be sentenced to five (5) years in prison jail.

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Any woman considering herself fit to wear bangs in the style of Bettie Page may thus coif herself only to the extent that she is willing to don revealing lingerie and sport same in public.

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Because it makes no sense to wash one's hands in a public bathroom if one needs to touch a pee-contaminated door handle afterward, all public restrooms will be mandated to have "touchless" exits.

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All writers caught using the phrase "fast forward to" to indicate the passage of time will be required to spend one (1) full day being ridiculed by any and all of their former English teachers.

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Any establishment wanting to call itself a "Christian Bookstore" must be owned and staffed by Christians. They have to love everybody, absolutely everybody, even "fags" and Muslims. They will be allowed to have enemies, but they have to love them as much as they love anyone else.

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Baby Boomers will be prohibited from claiming how great their generation’s music was. Bbecause, while it's true they had The Beatles, they also had Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.

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Winners of beauty pageants will be prohibited from making out with each other in public unless they prearrange to have the session videotaped.

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Every fifth parking meter must have a change machine attached to it.

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Christian-rock lyrics may no longer contain hedgy euphemisms like "You" and "He." Note from the law's sponsor: "Just say 'Jesus' if He is who you're singing about, for Chrissake."

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New cars must be equipped with devices that both sense when drivers are changing lanes and make the cars explode if turn indicators aren't properly used.

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If you are the victim of identity theft, you may not complain until the authorities have had sufficient time to see whether the identity thief is doing a better job of being you.

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No more business licenses shall be issued to taco shops with the suffix "-erto's." Note from the law's sponsor: "There is no Mexican guy named "Ralphberto"--you're not fooling anyone."

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People will be prohibited from wearing Bluetooth ear pieces unless they are A) operating a motor vehicle, B) actively engaged in a phone conversation, or C) attending a convention at which Mr. Spock is expected to attend.

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All faux testicles--be they rubber, stainless steel or gold plated--dangling from the bumper or trailer hitch of any vehicle will be grounds for full and public disclosure, by the perpetrator, of the number of dates said perpetrator has enjoyed in his reproductive life and on how many of those dates his real but tiny and shriveled testes have failed to perform. Note from the law's sponsor: "Boys, this aftermarket accessory is not sexy nor does it convince society of your virility."

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Prospective presidential candidates will undergo mandatory drug-testing and a thorough background check. If prior drug use is discovered, that candidate will automatically be sworn in. In the case of a tie, "went on a three-day coke bender" beats out "smoked a joint or two during college."

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Archeologists will uncover a lost, ancient text in which the Virgin Mary tells a gathering of loyal followers, "Remember to take the pill every single night, so as to not overpopulate your house with unwanted children of the Lord." The Pope will issue an edict making it a sin for Catholics to not use birth control.

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The Democratic Party will lift its ban on presidential candidates afflicted with "personality."

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In preparation for Barack Obama becoming the first black American president, the Department of Defense will be charged with constructing a "public appearance vehicle" that combines the visibility of the Popemobile with the ammunition of the Batmobile.

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In an effort to resuscitate lagging subscriptions, and following the example set by Star magazine, The New York Times is now required to circle and draw an arrow to the cellulite and unattractive hands of celebrities such as Kim Jong-il.

So long as it's served ice cold.

The Democratic Party will lift its ban on presidential candidates afflicted with "personality."