Another meltdown tonight (no alcohol involved; pure PTSD). What do I do?

Her current counseling doesn't seem to be helping (she saw her counselor this morning, in fact).

I'm thinking in terms of going through the Yellow Pages and the State (211) and local hospital resources to find someone who specializes in PTSD.

I think that's a good start. ANY suggestions you all might have would be much, much more than welcome.

I have to save her. I need her, and so do the boys.

Redstone

Redstone

Seriously.

I know. For all the times I've said the same thing, only 1 time out of 5 was said so much "in passing" that nobody would have picked up on it.

Call. NOW.

demand, was a good one. And never feel like I don't appreciate it, because I do.

Redstone

In other words, about her horrible childhood.

Thanks for asking.

Redstone

But I'm sending you strength and good vibes for you and your family. :hug:

And her mother, who literally abandoned her (moved to another country) being on her deathbed.

I would just say "Ah, fuck her; what kind of a mother was she, so I don't care," but Mrs R can't do that.

She feels guilty for having been born.

Damn it.

Redstone

:hug:

Convince her that YOU are there for her. This will sound illogical and it's weird that I would be the one to fathom this, but be a surrogate mother. If that will help her tortured soul. And that's something no pet can accomplish.

And though your post is well-intentioned, I cannot and WILL not ever be her father, nor her mother.

I can only be her husband.

Redstone

http://www.umdnj.edu/psyevnts/ptsd.html

I don't know much about PTSD.

Will be thinking of you and yours tonight, friend Redstone. :hug:

(and I'll throw a rant at the TV for ya tonight, too! ;) )

And thanks especially for ranting in my stead. I know you'll do a good job.

Redstone

and good thoughts coming your way re Mrs. R.

I know something about that. It's no picnic.

Redstone

here - :hug:

You're a good man.

Redstone

As I like to say at a meeting.."sobriety sucks." First 3 months to a year is the "pink cloud" period. After that, reality of sobriety hits you like a fucking mack truck and you are brought to your knees. If there are other issues going on, then professional help is required.

Hang in there...this is normal, believe it or not.

PTSD is treatable. Some of the newer SSRI antidepressants have been shown to help. There's also some success with an old heart drug called Inderal as it blocks the epinephrine response.

I'd look for a counselor who uses a cognitive behavioral approach and shy away from those who use "abreactive" methods unless it is a very intensive program that incorporates that. abreactive approaches can help, but they are also potentially more traumatizing than other approaches.

Support, love, and understanding are important. Depression and anxiety are very commonplace with PTSD. If it is centered around sexual violence it may be very important for her to have a female counselor/therapist so that she isn't always trying to deal with transference issues related to males on top of her PTSD.

It may take a long time, and there will be ups and downs with recovery from it. The thing about PTSD is that there will be things that trigger responses that she might not be aware of. Depending on the type of trauma, these triggers will be related to that.

For instance I know a woman who was triggered by the smell of a cologne because she was assaulted by someone who wore that cologne. It was a common cologne, so she had to figure out some strategies for dealing with it.

Sorry Redstone, hang in there man!

:pals:

Edit to add that the revisiting feelings about her mother sounds like a terrible thing for her. I hope that her counselor she sees can help her to deal with this as well.

Yes, I know it's important for her to have a female counselor. The one she has is good, but I don't think that this counselor has the horses to deal with a problem of this magnitude. Does that make sense?

Thank you again for your advice.


Redstone

I know a lot about PTSD, I've done some work with people that have it, but I do not have the experience to take on a difficult case in my opinion. I'm too "rusty" with that treatment. If the counselor she has is good, and competent, she should also be able to know if she is in over her head.

It also isn't unheard of for a counselor to seek consultation from someone who has more experience.

I've found that "technique" is only part of what helps anyone get better from anything that is wrong with them. A good and trusting relationship with the counselor is more important. A lot of what happens in therapy is just the person having the chance to open up, get the crap out of their head, look at it from a different perspective, and put it back in place with a new way of looking at it.

Childhood trauma has to be reframed by looking at it from the view of a rational adult. Then it has to be reabsorbed and integrated as a memory with this new way of looking at it. A therapy that is too heavy on the emotional part leaves out the rationality. One that is too heavy on the rationality leaves out the emotional part. What I'm trying to say I guess is that her having a good relationship and trusting the counselor is very important. The other part is whether this counselor is competent (meaning experienced and having the "horses" to deal with the problem) in dealing with PTSD and all of the issues that go with it.

You've been an AWFUL lot of help. I owe you one.

Redstone

and more important that you and your family heal and your wife finds peace with her distress

:hi:

:hug:

:hug:

i really have no better advice to offer.

Redstone

Not every counselor knows how to treat it. But MrsR should also be up front about her alcohol abuse. In fact, you might see if you can find someone who specializes in treating dual diagnosed people (alcohol/drug addition and some type of mental health issue, such as PTSD).

The other thing is, when initiating any type of therapy, sometimes it does get worse before it gets better (and that's not a cliche'). I hope she keeps at it; I sense she is serious about getting better. It's a rough ride at times, for sure, but it does get better.

I wish the best to you, MrsR, and your boys. :hug:

Love and support.

I hope she gets the help that she needs.

:hug:

I think your plan is a good start also. It's important to find someone who understands the nuances and consquences of PTSD, important for you and important for Mrs. R. Get referrals and recommendations from anyone you can, and go from there.

My love and good thoughts for your family.

just sending you love and keep you all in my prayers. :hug:

PTSD is a bitch, it triggers without warning. You are smart to look for a counsellor that deals with PTSD. Hang in there friend. love to you :loveya:

Is this her first Winter at this latitude?

If so, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be part of the problem. This is the time of year for it.

I know that my wife was deeply affected the first year up here after living in Houston.


Whatever it is, strength and courage, man.

My best wishes.

Xipe

so that's not the case.

Redstone

Don't write off a counselor just because her/his sessions leave the patient distraught because that's where the pain is that needs to be processed. But good luck and don't forget to take the time to keep yourself sane and cared for among any chaos that might be going on.

thought of that, but it could indeed be the case. I'll think on that idea a LOT tonight and tomorrow.

As far as the second sentence goes, well, I have no way to make that happen. I have to do it on my own, with my own strength. I don't need to be cared for; I've made my way using my own strength so far, and there's some (at least) left where that came from.

DU helps.

Redstone

:(

I hope you do find someone who specializes in PTSD and can help her. There's no way a generalist is going to be able to help, or even understand what's happening.

I would love to help y'all out.

Two things -
1- You have the right idea - you need a ptsd specialist. They don't need to be a csw msw phd or md - they just need to be good with what your girl is going through.
2- Keep in mind that you and the kids are human and also effected by "this stress". There is no way to avoid this effect - please keep in mind that you need to effectively manage this stress.

Peace. Peace and low stress to you Redstone. Prayers and thoughts for you and yours.

Redstone

:kick: for the low stress

Has she ever been medicated? It could be more than PTSD - she might have some anxiety disorders or other issues that could be helped with medication. There could just be a mix of problems in there, each exacerbating the other.... remove one problem with meds, perhaps the PTSD episodes wouldn't be so severe. I only ask because my dad is a psychiatrist and sometimes therapy only doesn't help, sometimes you need some meds to stabilize the situation, and there are some amazing drugs out there.

My dad is retired, and he's out in California, but if you ever wanted to PM me about anything, to ask for an opinion, etc., I'll do my best to help. He's a dr., I'm a lawyer, so we know the rigors of confidentiality. And of course there is the confidentiality that just springs from respect and friendship.

I'm sorry, Redstone. It sounds very hard. And please remember, and try to get your boys to understand, that you can support and love, but if anything bad were ever to happen you are NOT at fault. You do your very best, but she has free will.

And yes, anxiety does trigger problems for her.

And I do absolutely appreciate your generous offer of help. I may take you up on it.

This is, to tell you the truth, getting to be a bit overwhelming when you throw my phsical problems into the mix. I've always been a tough son of a bitch, but being able to take a lot and still keep going, well, that doesn't seem to be helping with this.

I'm not ready to say "I can't" yet, but it's getting close.

Thank you so much for your post.

Redstone

:hug: I don't always sign in every day, but if you write, I'll get back to you as soon as I get a message.

And I've dealt with physical pain as well as mental/psychic pain of myself and others -- really, the mental anguish you experience watching a loved one suffer mentally/emotionally is to me far, far, farrrr worse than physical pain. Now, I've never been in severe physical pain for any prolonged length of time, but watching a loved one be sad or really depressed just wrenches my world apart. I do understand how much you're suffering (and the boys) too.

something that acts differently on the brain than acute pain does.

Though, yes, this is worse. Far worse.

Redstone

I myself am not, but I suspect from what you have posted that she needs a medication adjustment. If it is as bad as you are stating and of course, I believe you, get her to an MD not a PhD or a LCSW.

An MD will be able to determine whether the meds need adjusting. A Phd, like me, or a LCSW would have to contact her MD to get them adjusted and it could get lost in the shuffle.

So sorry you are going through this. :hug:

in her medication.

Many people have to try several antidepressants before they find one that works. The human brain is a damn complicated organ, isn't it?

Redstone

I'm considering a change in mine as it doesn't seem to be working so well.

again :hug:

good point, she no doubt needs an adjustment or change in her meds, or at least someone who has the competency to prescribe for PTSD.

where everybody might get hurt in the process. If the current counseling doesn't help, it's not worth it - it's quite some time since I had any familiarity with the process of counseling, and I'm coming from the Jungian approach anyway, but somehow I liked it better how it was dealt with in the past; perhaps finding someone in this old field might help a bit - more listeners if I might to say so.

If it's this bad, immediate help is the best way to go, IMO, for everyone to be able to take a breath for later. You probably can't save her - there's a part that's always be alone within us, a part only we as individuals can access and change. Don't get me wrong here, this is fragile, and feel free to ignore me of course. Walk along beside her, share the path, but the path might not be the one you have in mind. It's her path in the end, and she has to walk it. Be her companion on this journey - and don't be afraid if you don't understand what she feels. You simply cannot.

You're a fine human, Redstone. Take the necessary action for now and be there for your kids. Then, later might be another day to start. :hug:

But I will NOT accept nor anticipate the kind of outcome you predict.

I will not.

Redstone

I don't see an outcome I predicted; can you tell me where I did this so I can clarify? I'm not a native speaker.

I referred to an "outcome" based on this sentence of yours:

"Take the necessary action for now and be there for your kids. Then, later might be another day to start."

Realistic and honestly spoken on your part. I intended NO criticism.

Verstehst du das? Wir sind Freunden, and ich wurde nimmer denken das du hast mir etwas schlechtes gewollt.

(That may not work well in Schweitzerdietsch, but it's the best I can manage.)

It's all good, in other words.

Redstone

Edited to change an "ie" to an "ei."

I thought it was something else, but I understand now how bad it was phrased, and I apologize for it. What I meant was that if it's necessary to find a temporary hospital, this might be the best way of action for now. And then, in the meantime, be there for the kids during the time, breathe (as she will), and when this time is over, start anew to accompany her on the shared path. The horizon may look different; it may look better.

I just had my best friend going through the same. It's still a long process.

Thank you! I really felt bad, and I do appreciate it very much. :hug:

Ich bin stolz, um dich zu nennen als ein Freund.

If that makes any sense to you.

Redstone

I don't know enough about PTSD to offer any ideas, except these:

Have you thought about discussing your concerns re. the PTSD specialist with the counselor? It seems to me that a good counselor should be open to at least discussing that option.

And as far as taking care of yourself, don't forget about Alanon. I hope you found a meeting that helps you. If not, I hope you'll try some others.

I know this is tough and I know you're working hard.

Peace and good wishes to you and yours, friend. :hug:

I have a cousin that grew up a hell hole so bad that even hearing about it gives a person nightmares. A comprehensive treatment team that included a psychiatrist (MD) and a primary care with additional psychiatric training has been SO helpful. Her life is still one big giant mess after another and I think her scars will always keep her life fucked up but she's managed to get beyond the self harm and suicide part.

I just really feel for you.

BTW the professional who helped were actually suggested by the local United Way (they run a very good program in our local area)

Thank you.

Redstone

After years of medication and therapy , I can say he's much better. Another therapy you need to try and find is this:

http://www.emdr.com/

When my husband was seeing his shrink, this was just starting to show amazing results. Google this information in your area and make an appt for her. Good luck and if their is anything else I can do for you, just PM me.

My situation isn't nearly as severe as your husband's or Mrs. R's, but it's bad enough to force me to do something and this approach is highly recommended.

Thank you for posting the link.


:hug:

hard to find any scientific evidence proving it's use, however, anectdotal evidence, and some studies that are limited have shown success.

I was most impressed that a psychiatrist named Bessel Van Der Kolk has supported this approach.
http://www.traumacenter.org/bvdk.html

On the other hand, I've had EMDR done with me, some help, but no great miracle happened.

Even with EMDR, it should be used as a tool, and not the total approach IMO. Relationship is the paramount issue in therapy. (I know it's hard to take me seriously probably, me being me.)

Good luck and I hope that EMDR helps you, I don't mean to be discouraging at all. I think that there are tons of success stories involving EMDR.



:hug:

edit to change have to has in sentence about van der Kolk

but conditioned response. It's affecting the way I relate to others and it's really causing me much anguish.

Thanks for the advice. I'll let you know how it goes.

good luck

as long as it does work.

Thanks for the link.

Redstone

No advice from me........you have plenty here.....

Just my love and concern are always here for you, as you well know......

:hug:

Redstone

If it's reached this point, you do not want to screw around with amatuers. If money is the problem that is preventing access to an actual psychiatrist, please do what you can to make arrangements to get to one anyway. PTSD is about the worst it gets, but it is treatable, with the right professional.

the calling of other mental health professionals amateurs is not necessary is it?

I think that most MD's don't do any psychotherapy really, other than very brief encounters.

Meds are an important part of her recovery, but a good therapist, who is competent as well is equally important. Calling someone who doesn't have an MD is insulting to those of us who make up the vast majority of people who work with those who have mental health problems and are trained, licensed by the state, have to prove competency, etc.

end rant

:rant:

other than that, we agree!

:hi:

Redstone

I can buy that

candidate, and does.

The mind is a funny thing, isn't it? You can never tell what's going to happen.

Thanks for being here, m'dear.

Redstone

I don't know how to help other than to wish you well.

Finding a PTSD-savvy counselor would be major, I would think. There seems to be an emotional cycle at work here that needs to be broken.

Best wishes. I know about this kind of pain, but not what to do about it.

but I can't.

That's what is so frustrating for me. I know that I can only help to a certain degree, and past that, it's out of my hands.

Redstone

just :hug:

you will all be in my prayers. :hug:

:hug:
I am not in a place to give you any advice, just hugs and maybe a suggestion
Do you have a VA hospital around that maybe you can ask them for some good resources for PTSD or maybe even a name of a Dr. that they have used?
I would think that they deal with it everyday. Or maybe even a Veteran's of Foreign wars lodge or something similar.
I know you will go to the ends of the earth to help her.

lost

of it before. But they WOULD know PTSD, wouldn't they?

Thank you.

Redstone

but positive thoughts to you and your family.


:hug:

:hug:

The only thing I have to add is that I saw a news show (I think it was 60 minutes) about how they are trying beta blockers with some PTSD sufferers. The results have been good so far in a few people and the military is starting to study it. I think they used either atenolol or metoprolol. If I can find a link to the study I will.

Of course, these drugs are potent and cannot be taken by people with slow heart rates or low blood pressure and there are side effects to any medicine.

I'll go look for the study.

Hang in there! I know she can get through it, hopefully in less years than I did. :hug:

http://www.dr-bob.org/tips/ptsd.html#Beta%20-%20adrenergic

You can find more by googling "PTSD and atenolol". Seemed to be several articles and resources.

It seemed to really help the two women that I saw interviewed. They still remembered the abuse/trauma, but the memories did not cause the same overwhelming feelings anymore.

Good luck to you and Mrs. R. I'm sending you good vibes.

I'll look into it, and thanks for the info.

Redstone

it does sound like the therapy is working.

ptsd isn't the only outcome of childhood trauma -- dissociation is another result.

you may need -- if things really are getting worse -- to find out which is which.

you may want to talk to her therapist -- without talking about her history just to find out if she/he has the tools to deal with her particulars.

dissociative people will often have suicidal tendencies as well.

and yes -- i think a talk with your md is a good idea too.

you are pro-active so i hope -- i believe -- you all will be ok.

that might be the only way she feels she can block the experiences?

Redstone

but i don't think the treatments are the same.

i believe you need some very expert advise here -- which is why i suggested speaking with her therapist and md.

i can't see what's happening -- but there seems to be some scary teetering going on for both of you.

chin up, redstone -- you'll need to think clearly -- but i know you have what it takes.

Redstone

Would be more intense and would help you and the kids. :shrug:

Don't know anything about PTSD so maybe this is not a good suggestion.

My best to you :hug:

If I can find the right place.

Redstone

First of all, please assess whether or not she is serious about attempting suicide, or whether this is just a "cry for help/please make the pain stop" thing.

Does she have a plan? Does she have the means? Is she "trying" to kill herself? If she wants to use pills, for example, does she have some handy? Are there weapons in the house? Is she trying to access them? Has she "hurt herself" in anyway?

If there is an IMMEDIATE THREAT OF VIOLENCE, then your job is to step back, and notify the professionals so she can be admitted for a minimum of twenty-four observation. (That means either taking her to the hospital, or contacting the police to do so if she won't go.) You are NOT equipped to deal with this level of self destruction, and we were told it was irresponsible of us to try. (I have also found out personally that immediately taking the person seriously is the equivalent of a glass of cold water, and has a tendency to stop those who would use such a topic in an emotionally blackmailing way not to, if you know what I mean.)

If there is no immediate ACTUAL threat, but more of a depression general "death wish" thing, I suggest a) immediately notifying her counselor so her counselor can do an assessment of the danger, b) getting her on the phone with a suicide prevention counselor, and c) making appropriate changes to her future mental health care.

Suicide is not a game. I spent three years on volunteer phone lines, and it was one of the most challenging things I ever did in my life. It doesn't matter what the "trigger" is (including PTSD), because suicidal threats takes things to a whole new level.

I'm sorry I have to say this, Redstone, but this is an extremely serious situation. Please don't try to handle it on your own, because frankly, that's a "no win" for any of you.

Good luck.

deal witht this for a living, and I won't hesitate to call one if necessary.

I KNOW I can't do it myself.

She's asleep now, and will (seem to) be fine in the morning. But won't really be.

I'll take your advice, and thank you for it.

Redstone

are my prayers, and believe me Redstone, I'm slinging out a bunch of them. Hopefully your strength coupled with ours will get you and Mrs. R though this difficult time. I hope it passes quickly.

Redstone

also from childhood. Occasional attempts to kill me and such...

One of the most important things to me in my own situation is the unconditional love and care you obviously have for Mrs. Redstone. There is often a feeling of guilt (which only compounds the effects of the disorder) for being unable to control the feelings. When i have an episode i tend to completely shut down. Most people get frantic or very agitated with fear and frustration. This just makes what i am going through worse. My ex husband used to just sit and hold me until i calmed. If i would hyperventilate he would get water because it would help me focus to feel it (occasionally it must have been extremely unpleasant for him to do this). He would make sure that i felt safe. One of the worst things when you are out of control yourself is to feel as if nobody around you has any. Just knowing that he had my back while i was fragile and vulnerable helped.

I know you are this for Mrs. Redstone. You clearly adore her and want her to be safe and free of this. THIS IS HEALING.



:hug: :hug: :hug:

If you would like to talk, i would be very happy to do so. Episodes for myself are very rare now. Maybe there is something that might work for her. It is extremely important to learn to see your experiences from an adult point of view. I experienced terrifying things as a child too young to make sense. One day i was looking at my youngest daughter. I saw the child that i was. I imagined her experiencing the things that i had. It was heartbreaking. No child deserves to go through those things. The guilt, shame, fear, hopelessness that has not left me since i was a child began to change in light of this perspective. That little girl that i was didn't have any reason to be ashamed or feel guilt. As an adult i could SEE that the things she felt responsible for were not her fault. Of course she was afraid. But she grew up and the things that frightened her no longer had hold on her. She could finally let the fear go. She no longer had to feel hopeless. Once people who should have cared for her, protected her and love her, did not. But "I" do. I will love, protect and cherish that little girl. I will defend her and fight for her right to have a happy and healthy life.

I hope this makes a little sense. You wife is a GOOD woman. The little girl that she was deserves better.

Much love to your family. Very much love.

:hug:

:hug:

Thank you so very much.

Heartfelt, and full of good advice.

I am forever in your debt.

Redstone

:hug:

Talk to her about the girl that cowers inside her. Help her to see that SHE can be all the things for this child that others were not. The little girl STILL exists in the same frightening place. It is time for the precious child to have some peace. She has suffered long enough. :hug:

It is not about cutting off from the experiences, it is about seeing them and sometimes feeling them from a stronger and more stable place. It may appear worse before it gets better and frankly it will never really go away. But it can have less hold on her today than it did (out of necessity) a long time ago.

terms exactly. But when you said "SHE can be all the things for this child that others were not,... you struck a nerve.

You know. don't you?

I will take your advice. And thank you for it.

Redstone

:hug:

bravery and courage me thinks.

:hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I needed that!

Hi Redstone-

First, my prayers are with you and your family. You always post such lovely things about Mrs. R and your sons~ I know they mean the world to you.


I have a bit of experience with therapists- as a patient. I found I was more comfortable with a woman than a man- it sounds like Mrs. R has that part covered already. Getting a counselor who is an M.D. is very necessary. You mentioned that Mrs.R is already taking medication- if she is not feeling any kind of relief, she needs to talk to someone about increasing the dosage or trying another medication entirely. Other options include using 2 different kind of medications.

You also mentioned that her mother is ill & that it is making things worse. It is absolutely normal for this to exacerbate the situation.

An option to consider- it's hard to do, but I know people who have participated in group therapy and have benefited from it greatly. Being able to share experiences with people who have been through similar situations can be invaluable. I personally know how painful it is to try and explain things that have happened to people in your life who have not been through the same kind of thing. Even though you know you didn't cause it to happen you still feel ashamed. Sometimes just verbalizing things that happened can be traumatizing. You may want to ask Mrs. R's therapist if she knows of such a group.

Finally, I would suggest exploring Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. My own experience with CBT has been an absolute life saver.

I wish you and your family the best & I'm sending you all positive energy. Continue to have strength- I know it is hard but what you are doing is invaluable.



Editing to add: I don't know if she does already or not- but- get her to exercise. Releasing endorphins helps enormously.
My therapist also had me wear a regular rubber band- when I was having an anxiety attack I would snap it on my wrist and it would "bring me back"- so to speak.

in fact has been doing more of that lately. So that says that your suggestion is a good one, and I do appreciate it

You've been helpful, indeed.

Redstone

My heart goes out to her and you because it is so difficult. The best thing you can do it talk to her and be there for her. If I didn't have my husband I would have been dead. He saved me, but only because he made me see that I had everything to live for even if it was in him. You have lovely boys as an added bonus.

My counselor and meds did nothing for me. It made me feel worse, actually. The best thing I did was stop the meds and the therapy and trust that my husband and I would get through it together. I really hope that both she and you get the help you need. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

the PTSD maze.

We'll find SOMETHING that works, I promise.

And I thank you for your reply.

Redstone

and successfully survived the crappy family stuff myself.

Redstone

That said, you've been given lots of good suggestions up thread.

She will need you intact as she's getting help.

Sometimes all you can do is hold someone. And sometimes all you can do is hold yourself.

what exactly does "holding myself" involve? I understand the concept, but the process escapes me.

(Not to ask you to take up your time in explanation, OK?)

Bottom line: I absolutely MUST let the consequences of my physical pain go, I have to. I have to focus on HER. My own pain can wait.

Redstone

do something for you. Love yourself too....so you will have strength to support her again.

Redstone

or play with your kids or the kitten, write a letter to a friend, see a movie you've been meaning to see, buy a new shaving cream, wash and wax your car to make you feel like a king, listen to a fav piece of music, if you're a church man--talk to your power,

Do something for yourself, reward yourself for the good man you are, the better husband you will become as a result of this struggle in your marriage.

We struggled for over ten years of our 26 year marriage with effects of my childhood abuse....be patient, the miracles will come.

Redstone

I am sorry you are going through this. All I can say is you can private me anytime! :cry:

Redstone

Redstone. I hope you are able to find a treatment and mental peace for your wife. Please take care of yourself and know that you are thought of often.

and I have most certainly been where you are, Redstone.

Venus was struck on the head by a stranger, and a whole lot of past childhood abuse came rushing up from her past from that trigger. Her PTSD "episode" featured some symptoms of a closed-head injury (photophobia, slowed speech) as well as the concomitant depression and anxiety. We went through counselors, MDs, etc. and a handful of different antidepressants for three years without significant improvement in her PTSD. I have heard "I just want to die" many times. The good thing is, Venus only meant that as an expression of intense suffering. She gave no indication she would consider suicide, but the pain is that great.

When she had a "black mood", I would do as FedUpWithItAll says. I held her hands and assured her that I would be here for her and we would deal with her mood together. I made her squeeze my hand to assure herself that I was there and she wasn't alone. We did this many, many times. Every moment of every day, I not only told her, but convinced her through action that I could always be trusted. I told her not to feel guilty about my lost sleep, lost work...this is just something that happens to people who have been bottling it up for too long. Love and security are the two main themes here, but both have got to be real and tangible..."feeling" what is real is important vs. the storm in her head. Gently remind her it is a storm in her head, and not her fault...and you do not understand fully, but there is no need to ask forgiveness or worry about you abandoning her.

Those three years were the most draining and difficult of my life, but I love her....what was I to do? Remember this, Redstone...your mental state is NOT spared when your mate has PTSD. You suffer just the same, but in a different way. I would have done anything to spare her the pain....and in many ways, I think I did spare her some pain. The healgin was her to do, though...I just made the environment at home right for it.

It's been four years since the "bad" period was essentially over. She still has an occasional anxiety bout, but she is free of medication and free of most of those old demons. I moved away from our hometown (where her abusive family lives) and got her in close contact to her "good" family (a nice contrast to the Stockholm syndrome relationship she had in my hometown). I also spend every day of my life letting her know that she is loved as deeply as anyone can be loved. Having a mate that you can trust is tremendously secure. You obviously care enough to post your troubles to DU, so I would wager this little bit of advice (loving her and making her feel secure), should come easily and naturally to you.

Whatever you do...do NOT let her see you suffer, as well. The guilt cycle is often part of their childhood abuse. It was a mjor component in Venus's case.

Redstone, I sincerely hope that, like Venus and I, you get through this period all the stronger and closer. Your story has made my wife and I both shed a tear or two because we know how hard this can be and how hopeless it can feel in the middle of it.

I have no advice about counselors, drugs, etc, because the mental health professionals in my hometown were substandard in treating PTSD. Southpaw seems to have very therapeutic ideas on this thread, I would would go with that if I were in your position. FedUpWithIt speaks the truth, as well....my heart goes out to her for all she and her husband have been through.


By the way, please feel free to PM me for anything.

:hug: :hug: :hug:


Edited to add...Your post actually made me tear up. It is difficult when you see other's struggles. When you know just how heavy the burden can be it is tough to be unable to help lift some of the weight.

Thank you for putting into words, so beautifully, the experience, the struggle.

I wish i could send more than my love to you and your wife.

I'll read it at length tomorrow, and may act upon it.

But I'm worn out right now.

Redstone

A testament to the affection and esteem in which you are held and proof that DU is full of wonderful people.

Would like to add to the mix, if I may, as one who has come a long way out of a very black place myself.

Make sure her nutritional needs are well taken care of. It is amazing how different some of our needs are. The body needs the right mix to make healing possible. It is just as important for our mental healing as for healing any physical ill. Get her a good MD that looks at the whole woman, not a list of symptoms.

With cognitive work, the RIGHT meds for her and the nutritional building blocks SHE needs, she has a fighting chance. With you in her corner, she is a lucky woman. Someday, she will look back and know that.

Have faith that today is not what forever feels like. With work, luck and grace, someday Mrs. R will understand that too.

Count me in the camp of those who think there IS progress being made. To get rid of an abscess, one MUST deal with the release of the poison. It is hell at the time, but it is how forward progress is made.

Strength to you as you try to be her strength.

blessings and light to your house.

hm

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I think your instincts are correct about what to do as far as finding a specialist. I have PTSD and it is frustrating because as much as I have worked through I still have remaining flashbacks that I can't explain that I know I will have to deal with someday.

I know one helpful analogy that I was told is that when someone gets burned, it is when they are healing that they feel the most pain because the wound is repairing itself. And your wife has survived this once already, and can survive the feelings that are thawing out inside her. Remember to take care of yourself and maybe try to find support for yourself as well beyond DU, because dealing with this stuff can be incredibly draining for the partner.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Please do not post messages asking for medical advice.