Lawyer Joke Thread

As some of you know, I'm off to law school in two weeks. So go ahead, hit me with your best shot - I wanna every lawyer joke DU has available.

The day I lose the ability to laugh at myself is the day I'll check into a nice padded cell somewhere.

:-)

A Good Start.

:)

Well, that's not a joke. But it's true! And no, I'm not a lawyer, I'm an engineer.

Not sure this thread is such a good idea...

might as well get it out of the way! ;-)

Actually, all the attorneys I know are incredibly decent and intellegent people as well - so I'm not sure where all the venom comes from. Maybe lawyer jokes are all part of the VRWC!

In fact we deserve the abuse in most cases.

I'm just waiting to see if a joke gets posted that I haven't heard yet. My family revels in sending me lawyer jokes.

:toast:

...is headed off to William and Mary for law school this weekend. Good luck to you! Here's my contribution:

Two lawyers, Bill and Ted, are walking down the street talking to one another when a very attractive woman walks past them going the opposite direction. Both stop and stare. "I sure would like to screw her," Bill says to Ted.

Ted replies "Oh really? Out of what?"

A :toast: for your first milestone!!

... since you're not a lawyer yet....

An elderly widow goes to her lawyer for a simple change in her will, which takes less than an hour.

She asks her lawyer how much the fee is for the time. He charges her for the minimum, one hour at $100/hr.

She withdraws her purse, and carefully extracts the money and hands it to him.

As he takes it from her hand, he sees that there are two $100 bills stuck together, and realizes he is faced with an ethical dilemma.

"Hmm," he thinks. "Do I tell my partner?"


Cheers.

"What will you charge me to answer 2 questions?"
"$200, what's your second question?"

ROFL!
:evilgrin:

http://www.nolo.com/humor/jokes.cfm
Read 'em and weep.
Tears of laughter, natch.
;-)

A lawyer takes his wing-tips off at the end of the day.

(Wing tip shoes. Get it?)

:hi:

Q:What do you call 50 lawyers floating face down in the Charles River?

A: Urban renewal

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A man runs into a bar, shouts,"all lawyers are assholes!" and runs out. 10 minutes later he runs in and says the same thing and runs out. 20 minutes later he runs in and yells "all lawyers are assholes". This time, a guy at the bar gets up and says, "listen, guy, everyone has a right to their opinion, but you can't go running around saying that". The guy says "why, are you a lawyer?", the barfly replies, "no, I'm an asshole, and I take great offence at your remark".

A: Professional courtesy.

I used to work for a small IT company. One evening durring an employee meeting the subject of the company lawyer came up. Seems they, the owners, were having some troubles with the guy and were ready to fire him.

THe lawyers name ...drum roll please... Joe King.

Say it fast.

As in "OH, you must be ..."

He was fired soon after.

God, I hope I don't get sued for using his real name.

Location with held to protect the guilty!

Zizzer

So their foreskin doesn't ride up over their head.

Did you hear that the post office issued a stamp commemorating lawyers?
People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

What is it that a goose can do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

What is black and brown and looks good around a lawyer's neck?
A Doberman.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

It was so cold last winter...
...I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a law office and inquired about the rates.
"$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied. "And what's your third question?"

The devil came to a young lawyer and said, "I've come to make you a job offer."
"Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"
"Well," said the devil, "you have to give me your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of each of your kids, and agree to sell every one of your clients down the river."
"Okay", said the lawyer, "but what's the catch?"

rather than rats for most experiments these days. Three reasons:

First, there are more lawyers than rats.

Second, the lab techs don't get as attached to the lawyers.

And third, there are some things that rats just won't do.

Skid marks in front of the skunk

A rooster clucks defiance........

the last lawyer with the guts of the last preist...