Mom's New Boyfriend is a Jerk.

My mother was widowed two years ago; I'm the eldest daughter, and I've been SUPER supportive. When the appropriate time came, and she was ready, I encouraged her to begin dating. She's gone out with several different men, but seems to be settling on one guy who I officially am beginning to actively dislike.

She met him once casually at a "group" event in October, then again in November. They started dating the 27th of November (Monday after Thanksgiving). For the first two weeks she also saw other people, then decided to date him "exclusively". Frankly, she was kind of being "pushy" with him (where she was bringing him around without asking beforehand). She went out of town with another sibling between Christmas and New Year's (planned months in advance), and then broke up with the "new guy" a week after she got back, which honestly, I was pretty happy about because he had REALLY begin bugging the crap out of me. He seemed "controlling" and "pushy" and appeared to be really trying to "move fast" with the relationship. (He was buying a time share and tried to put my mother's name on the documents -- they hadn't even been dating a MONTH!)

In the meantime, it turns out the guy is "breast man" and he apparently felt the need to mention to my mother how "nice" mine were. (They are big, thanks to eight years of infertility treatments, and I won't say they aren't noticeable; I am usually able to deflect comments with a joke or two, and rarely feel self conscious about them.) My mother decided to repeat his comments to me as a "joke", did so a couple of times, and also did it in front of the new boyfriend, which was AWKWARD, but I handled it (I thought) with some grace and humor. It seemed a tad inappropriate, and I won't lie -- it was kind of an influence on me not really getting "good vibes" from the man.

So, mom's broken up as of January 7th, and they stay broken up for about two weeks. Then mom goes on a "bad date", and suddenly decides to get back with this guy. She promises to take things slow, and they've been back together again for two weeks.

The first week they are back together again, he tells my mother he would pay "good money" to see my breasts. Mom repeats this to me (I respond "he can't afford it") and am obviously uncomfortable. Mom thinks its funny, and repeats it a couple of more times over the course of the next few days, including in front of Him again with me present. (He enthusiastically agrees.) I am not impressed, but doing my best to ignore the situation because we're dealing with other situations -- getting rental property put together, evicting a non-paying tenant, and HELLO! still pregnant with twins (and I am NOT ready for their arrival, by the way).

Things come to a head on Thursday/Friday of this week. I express my concern to my mother about how "fast" things are going with this guy, who has been staying with her every single day/night since their reconciliation, and how I am not appreciating that she is still "pushing" him on people -- I also tell her I am not happy with the fact she'd been saying just three weeks before that she didn't want her 23 year old granddaughter to see her "in bed" with a man who wasn't a serious relationship, but was now planning to have her three YOUNGEST grandchildren (ages 7 and 8) spend the night with this guy there, despite the fact they had been dating (charitably) for less than two months. Also, I expressed my unhappiness with the fact this man kept talking about my breasts!

Saturday I was at the rental property with the plumber, and Mom showed up with him in tow (no warning, of course). Conversation, as always, begin with the babies, as I am now entering my eighth month of pregnancy. I mentioned I had some concern because I have only gained ten pounds --

At which point this Jerk interrupted to ask if that included my breasts.

I did the proverbial "excuse me?" And he repeated it.

I immediately said "I am NOT comfortable with this conversation," and turned to give the "evil eye" to my mother, who began a frantic head shaking motion at the man, and the subject was turned. They stayed for another two hours (Mom was kind enough to run up and down the stairs with the plumber for the turning on of the water), and I was polite/cordial the entire time.

I came home, related the incident to my husband, and he exploded. He promptly picked up the phone, called my mother, told him her new boyfriend was no longer to discuss my breasts, wasn't welcome around us any longer, that it was completely inappropriate for this man to be making that type of comment to his wife (especially when she was eight months pregnant with twins), and he was mad enough to punch the guy in the head. My mother kept responding "I'm sorry!" but honestly, there is no reason for her to be apologizing for his behavior; the guy is simply a jerk.

I contacted my siblings to let them know about the incident because a) the guy was making sexually inappropriate remarks, and b) my husband did threaten to punch him in the head. I was courteous and tried not to turn it into a "federal crime," but expressed that I found the whole situation embarrassing to even have to bring up, and for now at least, the new boyfriend is not welcome around either my husband or myself. I also said that if he is still around in a few months we would revisit the situation, but in the meantime, this was what had happened, and this was why we didn't want to deal with him right now -- I Don't Need The Stress Right Now.

Now my mother is upset because she thinks the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. Her boyfriend would like to apologize to both my husband and myself, but right now I'm not really interested. I asked her bluntly if she had discussed my discomfort about the remarks with him, because there appeared to be a "nasty poke" type tone in his voice when he started, and she denied it. I said, "so, he was just being a jerk?" And she said "NO!" She stated again that he wanted to apologize, and I told her we weren't interested right now; we just wanted him to stay away from us for a while. If he was still around at say, the six month mark in their relationship, we'd address the issue then, but for now, we didn't feel the need to have anything further to do with him at this time. She is also unhappy that the siblings know what has happened, and I told her bluntly they need to know this guy is making sexually inappropriate remarks to her daughter, and obviously has some "boundary" issues. I also told her she needs to do some repair work with at least one of her granddaughters, who became very upset when she was presented with "grandma's new boyfriend" with no warning (because my mother invited him to dinner without warning any member of that sister's family that she was doing so -- did I mention she's "pushing" him on people?).

I don't expect my mother to break up with the guy because of this situation. I just don't want to deal with him. I don't really know him, and I'm not interested in getting to know him any better. I just want him to stay away for a while. And I hope to hell she 'slows it down' but I doubt it.

I feel like I've lost my mom. :(

Opinions? Am I just a hormonal mess who is overreacting? Please keep in mind there was no context for these remarks, and at no time did I say or do anything to invite these remarks. I am grateful for my husband's response because that is helping me to feel like I am *not* overreacting, but my mother is really upset because "he treats her really well." And YES, of course he's treating her well right now -- its been what? Six weeks?

Somebody is being an idiot here -- is it me?

:banghead:

the worst is yet to come. Not only is it not being blown out of proportion, but it was allowed to get way too far. Commenting on the breasts of her daughter is not 'treating her very well' it is making sexually innappropriate comments to her CHILD. Where in the hell is your mother's sense of outrage on your behalf? WTF???

You are fine, you've been way, way too tolerant. I think your mom needs to break up with this guy and see a shrink.

ain't right. Period.

Yuch.:puke:

ain't right. Period.

Yuch.:puke:

double :puke:

:puke:

And no, I don't think you're being an idiot and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this now, of all times.

The bit about trying to get your mother's name on a piece of property is a major red flag, IMO.

It all seems too much, too quick and I can't help wondering if she's with him because of who he is or because he's someone to be with and she's lonely and vulnerable.

He sounds like a player to me and yeah, I'd be worried too. But I'm not sure what you can do because in those situations, when you try to speak to your loved one about your concerns, they simply get defensive and cling all the more tightly (and the jerk in question will usually peg it to "she's just jealous of our love").

You might point out to your mother that he is NOT treating her "very well" by ignoring your discomfort with his remarks and by constantly ogling and remarking upon your body. That's disrespectful to you and to her both.

Ick.

As I was reading it, I kept thinking that if I were you, I'd never stay anywhere that he could put a hidden camera. He sounds that creepy to me.

Oh, and, no, you're not being the idiot in this situation. It's him and then a close second is your mother. (Sorry, but you asked.)

:(

I hope your mother grows up soon and sees this man for what he is.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, especially given the strain of bearing twins. (btw congratulations and good luck!)
Let your husband deal with any calls or appearances the jerk may foist upon you.

good luck!!

oh, and do try to stay in contact with your mom, perhaps the relationship between you can be repaired.(?) I lost my mum in '97 and miss her terribly.

aA
:hug:

You actually gave this guy a chance, so to speak, but he kept crossing the boundaries of decency. He sounds like a class A jerk.....Mom seems to be in a bit of denial about him.

No, you don't want him around, it's not "your" issue right now to smooth Mom's boyfriend's apparently ruffled feathers.

Guy sounds so creepy...... :(

the creepiness factor is very high. :thumbdown: Yuckola!

And I admire your husband.

Just because someone is your parent doesn't mean they handle thing right. Her boyfriend is an idiot. Get ready to scrape her off the floor if she continues to see him.

The guy is unhinged.

A normal guy will simply refuse to notice his GF's daughter's breasts. Yes, it can be done. A guy who is a bit of a perv might look at his GF's daughters breasts but will never mention them. But this guy is way out of the nborm. He's obsessed, and he's a freak. What else is he capable of? What's he do when he's away from your mom?

He will do the same to any female member of your family. He may do similar to younger females. He's a loose cannon and can not be trusted.

Cut if off now. Forbid him to come around you. Forbid her to bring him around. Put on the pressure to dissolve this relationship because your mom is already trying to get you to accept this abuse. That is a sick cycle and it only gets worse.

Your mom may think her options are limited due to her age. This is a dangerous mindset. I have seen a similar sitch in action. An abusive asshole who constantly starts fights and picks on a woman who deserves better. That sitch HAS gotten worse over the years. Now, add disabled and lazy to the mix so she is virtually a slave now. Better to get this ended ASAP.

He's not gonna ease up for long. He will d0o the same to other women, related or not. It will happen to the buxom check out girl, the buxom waitress, the buxom flight attendant, the buxom choir member at church, anyone. Anywhere. Your mom will make excuses because she will have to. That ain't no kind of life.

This asshole is playing power games. He is dominating you. Your husband will eventually have to kick his ass.

In short, it's gonna get a whole lot worse.

Mentioning your breasts to her, was inappropriate. Getting her to mention it to you And mentioning it to you - double inappropriate. Stating he'd pay money to see your breasts - turns creepy. Repeating (him and her) the statement about $ to see your breasts - suggests that he actually hoped that you'd take him up on it and that is just GROSS!!

I hope she wakes up and gets out.

You should never have to deal with this - let alone when you are in the 8th month of a pregnancy.

He's not only a total idiot, but he's EXTREMELY disrespectful to your mother (and you). I think that sorta says it all. If a couple months into a relationship he's this disrespectful, I can't imaging what it would be like further in the future.

The guy has no right to comment on your breasts or to joke about you being for sale.

Something is terribly wrong with that guy and he seems set on taking advantage of your mother, too. (If he cared at all about her, he would not ogle her daughter or make comments about flashing her breasts to her mother).

I don't condone violence (he's not worth it), but I agree with your husband. It is just not okay for this guy to sexually harass you. It's not funny and it's not right.

...he shouldn't threaten violence.

Should some unfortunate accident befall the jerk, then hubby will be number one on the list of "persons of interest". You know, should the guy fall up a flight of stairs or something.

You have done nothing wrong, nor has your husband. Your response has been completely appropriate. I don't see why your mother would want to stay with a man who makes extremely inappropriate sexual remarks about her daughter, but I guess that is her choice. But this man needed some very clear boundaries to be set up, and you have done that. You should feel proud of yourself for speaking up.

n/t

honest to god, "he wants to apologize" please he's a grown man and knows damn well he never should have said anything about you or your chest. You have nothing to be sorry about. Out of that whole story the thing that set off my "oh no, nah-ah" was the time share thing------bad, bad, bad.

it's not your business who your mom dates. Until I read the post. ewww ewww ewwww

Once he commented on your body, it became your business, and I will add you've been a hell of a lot more tolerant than I would have been. <--- I cannot emphasize enough how much of an understatement that is. I would not have made an effort to handle it with grace and humor, I don't think any man's uninvited comment on my breasts calls for a polite response from me.

Fuck his apology. There IS no acceptable apology for leering at you, or assuming it's okay to joke about purchasing a view of you half undressed. You aren't being an idiot - if this happened at a job, he'd be fired.

Also, there's no way in hell I'd have grandkids staying with him. Ever.

"Also, there's no way in hell I'd have grandkids staying with him. Ever."

I doubt anyone who acts like that is good for ANY woman he might date.

I hope your mother comes to her senses. IMO, you are absolutely in the right here - he has no right to talk to you or about you in that matter and your mother shouldn't have put up with it for one second.

wrong with this man, and your mom isn't in a position to see that. I suspect maybe she is overcompensating for having been outof the dating scene for so long, but this is weird, and I think it is especially inappropriate for him to make those remarks to a pregnant woman. Ask your mom if she can remember back to what your father would have done if that had happened to her.

I'm sorry she is going through this and it is spilling over into your lives when you should be happily anticipating such a wonderful event.

Okay, I know it's been said by just about everyone else here, but I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus. You are NOT overreacting or being an idiot; this guy IS a jerk (and not only that, he sounds like a disgusting pervert, too). I think you did absolutely the right thing (although I doubt if I could've put up with him for as long as you did. Then again, I had a P.E. teacher when I was in middle school who acted similarly, and I never punched him in the face or anything...but that's another story, I guess). I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I'm sorry your mom doesn't see how big of a creep this guy is. I hope she figures it out soon and that he leaves your whole family the hell alone! :hug: Best wishes.

I hope you don't mind the advice, but if you've been going through infertility treatments for six years, are now pregnant with twins, and have even the slightest anxiety about the pregnancy, you need to shut out everything else and focus on you and your babies. You've been through so much, and this is the time to be as selfish as possible and to protect yourself from jerks, whether they're dating your mom or not.

Sounds like your mom needs to figure this one out for herself anyway, and if the consequences of his rotten behavior are that she can't bring him around, then so be it.

You do not have any obligation to listen to any of his "apologies". Take care of yourself, your babies, and your husband.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy, and congratulations!

The only mistake you may have made was not tearing up the turf the first time he felt the need to comment on your breasts. I don't care how big or small they are. You're Mother so is freaking desperate for companionship and she's ok with someone who makes sexual comments about her daughter? Her need has made her lose all sense of reality. How soon before he starts on the granddaughters? Cut him off. Your Mom too if that's what it takes.

on edit, maybe he'll just go away after he soakes her for everything she's got.

guy!

His comment was bad enough once, but to keep repeating it showed a lack of...well...pretty much anything decent.

I feel horrible for her that she's with someone who would pull that crap. :-(

The guy is a freak. I'd be concerned about any female member of your family, especially children.

on top of the comments you've received from everyone else here, but I can try to help with what may occur in the future. You need to tell your Mom that he's no longer allowed to come around anyplace where you or your family is going to be, and if she violates that rule, WWIII will take place! I don't think ultimatums should be tossed around lightly, but there is a time and place for them, in a last-resort situation, and it sounds like this has become one.

I wonder if that actually works (and gives someone severe duarrhea) or if it's just a myth?

Ida,

You are right on target this guy is a creepazoid from Planet Perv and I don't trust him one bit! Your poor mom is not seeing things clearly and is probably going through her own emotional hang ups since her loss but to allow this sleazy creep to make completely inappropriate comments to his 8 month pregnant daughter is just plain crazy. As MGD said above this is a time to take care of you, your husband and your twins. Your husband is absolutely right in talking to your mother about these incidents. When you do have the twins, you may want your mother around to help you so its best to set your boundaries now and you must tell her he is not allowed to come. Frankly, I wouldn't let any grandkids near that creep. I'm not sure how your siblings feel about your situation with your mom and Captain Perv but perhaps they can also help to ease this situation or at least help with your mother's doormat issues because you will be too busy with your babies. Good for you for standing up for yourself!!! I can already tell that you and your husband will make great parents ... congratulations.

I am getting older and it is nice to give young women complements, as older men get away with. But never selecting a body part to comment on -- that is a sign of a class A jerk.

To look at it from his point of view - and the most innocent which is 99.99% unlikely - he thought he was being nice.

Standards of behavior are the same in our culture. I think you have a good head on your shoulders.

That being said, let your Mom know that you are not against her dating, but you are against her dating this particular jerk. He can say you just miss your father and hate all men. Don't let him get away with it.

boyfriend was more interested in my breasts than in hers. This is the thing: when a man first starts dating a woman, he's on his best behavior, in theory. If what you're seeing now is the best he has to offer then I worry about your mother. She may be very lonely and no doubt having a string of bad dates with various non-contenders has her feeling bad about her chances of finding a good man. But hell! Even as our marriage dies, my STBE would never comment on another woman's breasts in front of me... never. It's just classless. I hope your mom sees the light and soon.

that is such good advice. If this is his 'best behavior', holy smokes.

:hi:

In addition to the whole "breast" issue, the bit about trying to put your mom's name on the timeshare documents after they'd been dating a month (!!!) sets off MAJOR, MAJOR alarm bells.

Your mom needs to RUN, not walk, away from this creep ASAP.

Could one of your siblings try to get your mom to see a counselor about these issues? - maybe if a disinterested third party voiced similar concerns about this relationship, mom might wake up.

Major red flags for being conned & abused - this guy is trouble.

You were only being an idiot for being nice/gracious the first time he pulled this shit. Your Mom needs some help with her self esteem, and the jerk needs to be dumped IMMEDIATLY.

Would doing a background check on this guy be feasible?
I'm thinking about what you said about trying to get your mom's name on the timeshares, and how he's PUSHING...
as well as being a creep and completely disrespectful to both you and your mom.
DING DING DING! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

No kids here, but I think if any man dating ME kept obsessing on the mammary size of one of my relatives, I'd dump him. That's disrespectful, rude...and it doesn't sound like the start of a good relationship, no matter how good his behavior is at the moment.

All blessings and hope your stress level goes down and you can enjoy your babies. Twins...how cool is that?

It sounds like you have your hands full already since you are pregnant. But, you may want to suggest that one of your siblings broach the subject of safe sex with your mother. There have been many recent cases of older women acquiring HIV from old men who visit prostitutes. Her boyfriend offered to pay to see your breasts ( :puke: ), this sounds like it could be a habit for him.

Again, I don't want to add to your stress and I'm sorry if I have. :hug: :hug:

problem, and it sounds like this creepo would be at QUITE high risk of being infected.

And I wouldn't worry about having to re-evaluate the situation in "a few months" -- I'm sure he'll be out of the picture by then.

but I have quite a bit of experience with this one via a family member. Even though it's been 2 years since the death of her husband, your mother is still vulnerable. This jerk is moving in for the kill. The condo thing gave it away. If you and your siblings can gather up some funds I'd seriously have him investigated. In the meantime if you and your siblings could start steering mom away from him via family get-togethers (DON'T criticize him in front of her -- it will backfire as she will feel the need to defend him) and make sure she is around people who really love her, it will help counter his attempt at isolating her (which is always the next step).

I Would!

I repeat what someone else has said.

1st,it was TOTALLY inappropriate for "boyfriend" to mention your breasts and for your mother to repeat it to you. Your mom probably doesn't "get" boundaries.

Let her know that they were BOTH over the line and that you don't ever want to hear anything like that again. (My father in law and step mother pulled a stunt like that years ago with me). I told them that they were making me very uncomfortable and NEVER wanted them to do that again. Thankfully they were in therapy and mentioned it to their therapist. The counselor told them that the only one who had acted with good boundaries and in an appropriate manner was me.

The other thing is that your mom will remember that he was attracted to you and it will stay in the back of her mind now, if she ever starts to feel insecure in the relationship she'll think of this.

I would openly discuss this with them both and try to accept the apology with grace.

You haven't "lost" your mom. She's just having fun and thinks she's in love. Let her figure out whether or not she really likes this guy and remember it's her choice. It's going to work out, one way or another.

:hug:

I am, of course, with everyone here that this guy is creepy and inappropriate. In fact, I think if anything you were too easy on him the first time he made the comments (not blaming you, just saying you have every right to not like this guy).

But what is wrong with your mom's self esteem that she thinks it's okay on any level for this asswipe to comment EVEN ONCE on her daughter's breasts, much less repeatedly? I don't care if he *is* a breast man, he's an idiot. What guy in his right mind would comment to his new girlfriend, repeatedly, about any other woman's breasts? Clearly not a guy who cares about his girlfriend's feelings. The fact that the breasts belong to the new girlfriend's daughter add whole new level of creepiness, but the insensitivity is glaring regardless. The fact that your mom doesn't see it that way, and finds it "funny", is quite disturbing. What other behaviors might she give this guy a pass on if leering at her daughter's breasts is just dandy? I'm sorry, but I find it hard to take her assessment that he "treats her really well" at face value considering her willingness to overlook that behavior. If you mom continues to defend this moron, ask her to turn the tables on the situation in her mind. Ask her how she would feel if, the first several times she ever met your husband, he made rude comments about *her* breasts (or ass or whatever) in front of you. Would she be upset? Would she think your husband was "treating you really well" and "funny"? Or would she think he was insensitive and creepy and not at all deserving of her daughter's time?

Honestly. No one needs this kind of stress ANY TIME.
It's not your hormones, it's your instincts and I'd say they were spot on (I don't know if this is your first shot at parenthood, but you'll be SO thankful for those sharp instincts!)
His remarks were INCREDIBLY inappropriate (not to mention disgusting), and you have done the right thing by cutting him off.
Your relationship with your mother (unfortunately) is probably going to be strained for awhile, but maybe that's a good thing, for now. Maybe the distance will encourage her to scrutinize the behavior of this pig a little closer and decide to toss him curbside for good.
I'm so sorry IdaBriggs. It's a rotten situation, but don't make it worse by second-guessing yourself. You did the right things. :hug:

Yes, that's right. He's giving you signals that you are attrative to him, and that makes him a scumbag.... a potential Jerry Springer show guest.

I would not trust this man to be around children. No, you are not a hormonal mess. (Best of luck, BTW!)

I'm not a violent sort, but this guy is asking for a slap in the face, bigtime. Creepy!

My mom, who is a retired nurse and has been divorced from my dad for about 20 years, started dating this guy about two years ago. At first, I liked him, he did a lot of arts and crafts, which my mom likes to do, and he rides a Harley, which is always a plus in my book.

However, the guy is a creep. He's a retired prison psychologist who worked with sex offenders. He probably has latent pedophilic feelings, and has expressed an unusual interest in my 6 year old neice (and is mean to her 4 year old sister). We don't ever leave him in the room with the kids.

He also has no money, and my mom has plenty and stands to inherit quite a bit when her father dies. He sold his house and bought one in the middle of nowhere, which is where they now live. My mom no longer goes to church (she used to go every week), because he doesn't go. Every sentence of hers now begins with "Paul thinks" or "Paul says". It's pathetic.

I worry that this guy is taking advantage of her, but she is letting it happen. I hate him, my siblings hate him, most of my cousins hate him and my grandpa hates him. He encourages her to have problems with my brother and I (he's afraid of my sister), and always has a diagnosis for everyone he comes across.

he'd pay to see your breasts is a problem in itself. A big one. She's lonely, depressed or something else - but it's not good.

As for you, if you haven't struck this guy hard enough to draw blood yet, you haven't overreacted at all. Even if you do, I'd side with you.

and a totally classless scumbag. I question your mom's sanity on this one. You're doing the right thing on insisting on no contact. If that doesn't work then you husband has the right idea. This guy needs his ass kicked.

You don't need this stress right now. You are carrying two precious lives. You shouldn't be uncomfortable around your mom.

She needs to dump this ass and fast.

You made your discomfort known, and when that wasn't respected, you put your foot down.

What kind of creep insists on making other people uncomfortable? You should ask your mom that (only don't use the word "creep"... say "person"?)

You mom can do MUCH better. She may not see that right away, but atleast you have drawn your boundaries. You are entitled to do that.

Hope you don't have any younger unattached sisters. This guy is spooky. Really spooky. I'd check his record, he might be wanted somewhere.

Your mom's bf is a fucking creepy asshole and she should dump his ass immediately. At minimum you should feel no obligation at all to tolerate his presence. Ever. He said he would "pay good money" to see your breasts? Who the hell would say that to their gf about her daughter?

I know from experience with family members this might be a possibility. When people have such problems, they try to hide it. A person might have Alzheimer's for years before it is actually diagnosed.

Sorry you are having to deal with this at this time in your life.

When he made the very first comment to her. You are not overreacting. I think that you should told your husband the first time that it happened. You should have also told your mom off for even repeating it over and over. The fact that he is bold enough to say it means everyone should watch out for him. If he can say those things then he is capable of doing much more. Being pregnant is not what is making you judge this jerk, it is GUT INSTINCT.

I agree with everything said above about this guy being pond scum, but if I was your husband I would meet this piece of work alone and get in his face bigtime.

I would tell him that I heard of him saying one more thing about my wife's anatomy "I'll knock you the fuck out!" I'm typically non-violent, but this POS needs to get the message that he is not appreciated, and that he is on the family shitlist.

Also, someone above said watch out for the condo scam. This turd is trying to set your mom up. DANGER!

I've known a shit load of them!!

Usually the first ones to become republicans.

I'd go off on the dude and do this in front of your mom, not only is he disrespecting you, he is disprespecting your mother and that is a no go in my book.