I need a sympathetic ear...

My friend 'L' who is a cancer patient, has been steadily getting worse over the last few months. When I took her to her chemo appointment, her doctor said that 'L's family show come to her next appointment. She had a CT scan Tuesday. I suspect the news the doctor will be delivering is probably not good.

The thing is, my husband is in denial about her condition. Why is this news? She is his ex-wife. Back when I was young and foolish, I believed everything he told me. He told me that she couldn't live by herself (she's blind). She moved in with us a few months after my oldest son's birth. I thought it was a little odd, but she became my friend, my only close female friend. For close to 20 years things went on relatively normally. The relationship between he and I has crumbled the last few years; he's now living with 2 women who don't want him.

So she's dying, he's not dealing with it. I'm feeling more and more like the only thing I'm supposed to do is just ferry her around and keep my opinions to myself. Reality is gonna come along and gob-smack him soon.

I think that her doctor is going to tell us that the cancer is advancing again, and suggest that there's nothing else to be done. How in the hell do I deal with this. All hell's gonna break loose when Mr (I gotta control everything) TOhioLiberal meets something he can't control.

Thanks for listening.

:hug:

just listening

:hug:

just listening.

...listening helps. :hug:

...I have a weird life. :hug: thanks for listening.

You can't really maintain denial too long in that situation.

:hug: to all of you.

...is his need to control everyone and everything in his world will lead him to insist that chemo be continued even if it's not doing any good. I don't want her to die. But if it turns out that chemo is not helping it would be me and her doctor against him with poor L in the middle.

If the doctor asked her to bring family next time, she already knows what that means and probably knows what she wants to do about it.

Might your husband be more reasonable at home? My concern is that in the doctor's office he's on neutral territory and there's an authority figure there, so he might have to dial up the control level to feel like he's not marginalized. At home you can tell him, then come up with a reason to go be someplace else while he adjusts (Whoops, we forgot to drop L's scrip off at the pharmacy!)

...wild horses wouldn't keep him away. He's a control freak. Suggesting that maybe he shouldn't go will only earn me a mind my own business lecture.

If not, well, it's her appointment.

thanks anyway.

:hug:

:hug:

Hugs to you, sweetie.....

I think she has the last word in whether or not she gets the chemo...

He is no longer her husband, and so is not next of kin.

She needs to have an advanced directive for end-of-life issues.

After she's gone, you can go too......

Good luck to you and her........

:hug:

...you are right, it is up to her; but after 26 years living with this man, I can tell you that he will bend her thinking to match his. My taking the doctor's side will be the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.

He thinks that she is holding her own, I can see that she is not. Reality sucks.

I suspect if this all goes down (it's still a hypothetical at this point) I will shortly thereafter be homeless.

The doc will probably ask what she wants to do, if there's any type of chance. If she chooses to forego any further treatment, she should do a living will right away, and appoint someone to be in charge of medical decisions should she not be able to.

Here is a link to living will documents by state:

https://www.legaldocs.com/htmdocs/livin_st.htm

T, I'm sorry for your friend, and that you are somewhat caught in the middle of things. Were I in your shoes (and I'm not), my focus would be on her more than the ex. You can't make him face things, and you can't stop him from trying to control her and you. But you can be there for your friend.

And we can be there for you. :hug:

...good advice. :hug: